Genesis Chapters 27 - 28: Jacob and Rebekah's Deception of Esau and Isaac

Isaac grows old and blind and thinks his time is growing short. So he calls his favorite son Esau over and asks him to go hunting and make him a home cooked meal. In exchange for this, he will bless him.

Rebekah overhears this. As soon as Esau is out the door, she calls Jacob over and whispers to him, "Hey... your dad told Esau to get him some dinner and he'll get a blessing. But I think you should get that blessing. So go get a couple of goats and I'll make him some dinner. You bring it in to him and he'll bless you because he can't see at all anymore anyway."

Jacob says, "But mom, Esau is hairy and I'm not. If he reaches out and touches me, he'll know we scammed him and then he'll curse me instead of blessing me."

"Not problem, Jacob. I have a plan. Go get goats."

"Oh, Esau... It's ewe."

Rebekah cooks up the goats. She dresses Jacob in Esau's clothes, and takes the hairy goat hide and puts it on the back of Jacob's hands and on his neck. She puts the tray of food in his hands and pushes him into his father's room.

"Hey dad."

"Who's there?"

"It's... Esau... I brought you some food, just like you asked."

"Esau? You just left! How'd you find food so quickly?"

"Um. Yeah. God knew you wanted food so there was game like right outside the camp."

"You expect me to believe that? Come here so I can touch you."

Jacob moves close enough for Isaac to touch him.

"You sound like Jacob, but you're hairy as a goat, just like Esau. And you smell like Esau, too. And goat..."

Isaac blesses Jacob and eats the home cooked meal that Rebekah made.

As soon as the blessing is done, Esau comes home. Esau cooks the game that he caught, and brings it in to his father.

"Hey dad, here's your dinner!"

"WHAT? I just ate! Who are you?"

"Uh, it's Esau. Don't you remember? You said you wanted dinner."

"Ahhh! Someone else came in here and fed me and I blessed him! CRAP! I gave that blessing to someone else!"

Esau cries out, "NOOOOOO!!! That was mine! Bless me anyway!"

Isaac says, "I only had one blessing! Sorry! I gave it to Jacob!"

"ARGH! He cheated me again! Ok, maybe the stew thing was my fault for being overly dramatic and saying I would die of hunger when really I could have waited until dinner time, but this just takes the cake." Esau starts to cry, "You don't have a blessing for me at all?"

Isaac tells him that he's his brother's servant but when he grows restless he'll break the yoke from his neck.

Esau is furious and vows to kill Jacob. Rebekah catches wind of this and warns Jacob and sends him back to live with her brother in Haran until Esau cools off a bit. Then she goes in to Isaac and says she hates her life because of the Hittite women and that her life will be totally worthless if Jacob marries one of them.

Hittite women? Esau's wives? They weren't even involved. Surprisingly, there's not a lot written about them, especially since Rebekah's rant about them seems to comes totally out of the blue. One site says it's a warning about not marrying ungodly nonbelievers.  But Rebekah was the one that set up this whole scam, tricking Isaac to bless her favorite kid Jacob instead of his favorite kid Esau. How is that godly? It's a stretch to blame this on the stress that comes from living with Esau and his ungodly Hittite wives. But sending Jacob back to Haran will ensure that he picks a nice wife from their own people.

Esau sees that Isaac and Rebekah told Jacob not to marry foreigners, so Esau marries a third woman, one of Ishmael's daughters. The poor guy just tries to make his parents happy but can't seem to do anything right in the eyes of his mother.

On the way to Haran, Jacob has a dream. In this dream, angels are walking up and down a ladder that stretches to heaven. God is standing on the top of this ladder and reaffirms to Jacob that he and his descendants will inherit the land he is in. He says he will be with him wherever he goes and says he will not leave him until he has done what he promised.

Jacob wakes up and say, "I didn't know God was in this place!" (So much for him being the godly one.) He sets up the rock he'd been using as a pillow and promises that if God will be with him and provide for him and see him safely back home, then he will accept the Lord as his God. Again... Jacob was supposed to be the godly one, but here he is, making a deal that he'll accept the lord as his god only if he gets him home safely. And then he'll give him 10% of everything.

Genesis Chapters 23 - 26: Isaac's New Family and Some Bad Decisions Regarding Stew

Abraham grows old and tells his oldest servant to come and put his hand under his thigh and swear that he will go to his homeland and find Isaac a suitable wife. The servant doesn't have a name,but it's mentioned back in Chapter 15 that his name is Eliezer. So we'll call him Eli.

There are several explanations of "putting your hand under my thigh." It's a Patriarchal Oath. However... it may not actually involve the thigh. It seems that a circumcised penis is important enough to swear an oath by.

He tells Eli to go back to Mesopotamia, where Abraham's brother Nahor lives, and find Isaac a wife. The servant worries that he might not be able to convince a woman to follow him all the way back to Caanan and Abraham tells him that if he absolutely can't find a girl to follow him that he can bring Isaac back to her.

That's a lot of camels

Eli takes ten camels and some nice things that girls like as gifts, and he makes the camels lie down by the well. He prays and comes up with a plan. He decides that he will ask the girls who come to the well for a drink. If any of them gives him a drink AND offers his camels a drink, well, that's the girl for Isaac.

A woman named Rebekah comes to the well and the servant thinks she's really pretty, so he asks for a drink. She lets Eli drink and then she gives the camels water. He's flabbergasted and gives her some jewelry and asks who she is and if he could stay the night with her family.

She says that she Nahor's granddaughter. (So I think that makes her a second cousin to Isaac.) And she says of course he and his herd of smelly camels are welcome to spend the night.

Eli is welcomed and his camels cared for. They offer him dinner, but he insists that he tell them why he is there first.

He tells them that he is there at the behest of Abraham, who is now very rich and powerful. He tells how he was sent to find Isaac a wife and how he knew Rebekah was the one because she gave the camels water without him even asking.

Rebekah's brother and father say, "WOW! That's amazing! She's all yours!"

He gives her even more jewelry, and gives her mom some jewelry too, and they eat. After dinner, Eli gets up to go, but Rebekah's brother and mom ask if she can stay a few more days and then go back. Eli says they really ought to be on their way, and amazingly, they decide to ask Rebekah what SHE wants to do. She says that they can leave immediately. They bless her and she packs up her stuff and she and Eli return to Abraham and Isaac. Isaac thinks she's lovely and marries her.

Abraham takes another wife and has a bunch of children with her. He also has some children by some concubines, though he sends those children east. Abraham dies at 175 years old, and Ishmael comes home for the funeral. He and Isaac bury their father with Sarah in the cave that Abraham bought. Ishmael by the way has twelve sons.

Rebekah has no children for a long while, so Isaac prays for some kids. When she is 60, God gives her twins, but tells her that one will be stronger than the other and that the older will serve the younger.

The oldest, Esau, is born first, covered in red hair. Jacob follows him out hanging on to Esau's heel.

Esau becomes a skilled hunter and is their father's favorite. Jacob is a quiet man and is their mother's favorite.

What's this soup worth to you?

One day Jacob was home cooking some lentil stew. Esau comes in from hunting and says, "Ohhhhh red stew! Smells great! I am so hungry I'm about ready to pass out. Let me have some."

Jacob says, "Sure you can have some stew. In exchange for your birthright."

"Seriously? I'm your brother, about to DIE right here in front of you from starvation and you're bribing me with freaking stew?  Eh...whatever.  If I'm about to die, you'll get my birthright anyway won't you?  HA! Ok. It's yours. Give me some."

A drought and famine comes into the land and Isaac travels to Gerar, the land of Abimelach, the king that Abraham had dealt with back in Caanan.

And, surprise, surprise, Isaac tells Rebekah to pretend to be his sister. No one stole Rebekah, but the king looked out a window one day and saw Isaac and Rebekah laughing and from that he knew that they were not brother and sister. (My version says they were laughing. Other versions say "caressing" or "sporting".)

"Isaac," the king asks, "Again with the 'she's my sister' trick? What the heck is wrong with you people? Your father did the same thing. One of us could have slept with your wife and gotten us all in trouble!" And he tells Isaac to go away.

Isaac moves a little way off. There's some more quarreling over wells and Isaac moves farther away until they stop bothering him.

The king comes to visit and to let him know that he doesn't want any trouble since he know Isaac has God on his side.

Meanwhile, Esau marries two Hittite women which ticks Isaac and Rebekah off to no end.

Genesis Chapters 20 - 22: You say you love me. Now prove it.

Abraham and Sarah pack up again and travel to Gerar. Again, Abraham tells Sarah to pretend she's his sister. And yet again, the king comes and takes Sarah away (because 90 year old women are totally hot). Before the king does anything with her, God comes to him and lets him in on the truth that Sarah is married to Abraham and suggests he return her to Abraham. Or sleep with her and die. His choice.

The king calls Abraham over and tells him he knows that Sarah's his wife and asks, "Why did you tell me that she's your sister?"

"Because this is a godless place and I thought you'd kill me so you could take her for your own. And besides..."

*drum roll*

"She is my half sister from my father."

In the same way that this worked out pretty well for Abraham in Egypt, he benefits again. The king gives him oxen and sheep and male and female slaves, and 1000 silver pieces, calls the whole thing even, and tells them they are welcomed to stay as long as they would like.

Just as God promised, Sarah gives birth to Isaac. There is much rejoicing. But Sarah doesn't like Hagar and Ishmael hanging around enjoying the festivities, so she tells Abraham to kick them out. He's a little disappointed, but God says to do it too. Abraham gives her some provisions and sends her off to wander the forests. God protects them and they survive.

The king and Abraham have a disagreement about a well, but they get it settled, and then the king goes back home anyway.

A while passes and God decides to put Abraham to the ultimate test. He tells Abraham to take his only son and BURN him as an offering to God.  Alright technically it's not his only son... he kicked the first one out to wander the wilderness with his mother. But I digress.

Abraham has questioned God in the past. He asked for proof that this land would belong to his descendants forever. He laughed when he was told Sarah would get pregnant. He questioned God's decision to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and negotiated terms for destruction of the cities.

But this request to kill and burn his son inexplicably goes completely unchallenged.

No.  To this, Abraham says, "Hey Isaac! Wanna go for a donkey ride? C'mon! Let's go!"

They ride off with a couple of servants and a pile of wood so they can have a nice sacrificial fire. They ride for a few days and come to a good spot. He tells the servants, "You guys wait here by this rock with the donkey. We're going to go... pray... over there behind those bushes. You stay here no matter what you hear. No peeking. I mean it."

Right about now Isaac notices that something is up and asks, "Hey Dad... we brought wood for the burnt offering but didn't we forget the lamb?"

"Oh... yeah... Um. God will have a lamb waiting for us when we get there!"

"Wow, Dad! God sure is terrific!"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's a heck of a guy..."

He builds and altar, piles the wood up, then ties up his son and tosses the kid up on top. He is JUST about to slit his son's throat when God yells out, "DUDE! STOP!"

"God, you scared me! What?"

"Don't kill your son. Seriously, I just wanted to see if you actually would do it. Here. Burn this goat instead." 

Abraham looks over and there's a goat with its horns stuck in a shrub. Abraham burns the goat instead of his son and names this place, "The Lord will provide." I can think of a lot of other names for this place, like, "The place where the Lord messed with my head." Or "The spot where my child was scarred for life."

God's love and trust is not unconditional.

God again blesses Abraham and tells him again that his offspring will be numerous and powerful and blessed because he obeyed his voice. He also informs him that his brother Nahor has had eight children with his wife and four more kids with his concubine.

Sarah lives to be 127 and dies in Hebron. Abraham asks the locals for a place to bury her and Ephron offers a nice cave to the east of Hebron. Abraham asks, "How much?"

Ephron answers, "Aw, just take it. It's fine."

"No, really. I insist. How much?"

"It's worth 400 shekels of silver but seriously, you can have it for free."

Abraham give him the money and buys the cave and the field and the nice trees all around it and buries Sarah there.