Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Leviticus 8 - 10: Want to be a priest? Burn more animals! Also - Urim and Thummim

"Alright, lets get Aaron and his sons all priestly," says God. "I kind of went over how to do all this back in Exodus, but I tend to repeat myself, so I'm going to tell you all of it again. Maybe I'll change some stuff too."

"They all need to get bathed and dressed all up in their robes and magical underwear (oh you thought that was just for Mormons, right?). And in the breastplate, place the Urim and Thummim."

Wait... the what? I seem to have totally missed these things that were mentioned in Exodus 28:30. What are they? I did a bit of digging and it's interesting enough to pause here and talk about these.

There's a few mentions of the Urim and Thummim in the bible, but not a lot of explanation. The first was Exodus 28:30 where it just says to set them in the Breastpiece of Judgment: "in the breastpiece of judgment you shall put the Urim and the Thummim, and they shall be on Aaron's heart, when he goes in before the LORD. Thus Aaron shall bear the judgment of the people of Israel on his heart before the LORD regularly." He's bearing the judgment of the people on his heart, so they seem to have something to do with judging.

They are mentioned here in Leviticus in the same context. They are set in the breastplate.

Spoiler alert! We'll come upon these things later, in 1 Samuel 14:41 where Saul will use them to ask God a question: "Therefore Saul said, 'O Lord God of Israel, why have you not answered your servant this day? If this guilt is in me or in Jonathan my son, O Lord, God of Israel, give Urim. But if this guilt is in your people Israel, give Thummim.' And Jonathan and Saul were taken, but the people escaped." They then cast lots between the two of them to determine who is guilty. They are also mentioned in passing in Numbers and Deuteronomy, and again mentioned in Ezra and Nehemiah, much later in the Bible. 

Very interestingly, they are also used by Joseph Smith Jr. in translating the Book of Mormon. Moroni the angel tells him about golden plates containing the Urim and Thummim to assist in understanding God's word. Christians, for some reason that I cannot figure, think this is ridiculous.

Is this God's coin toss? God's Magic 8 Ball? Divination based on a roll of the dice? I remember as a kid pretending I could tell the future or the truth by looking at mud splatters in a bucket or using sticks and rocks as rune stones. This seems similar.

Back to our story.

Moses takes Aaron and his sons to the tabernacle, along with a bull, a couple of nice looking rams, and some unleavened bread. He washes them, dresses them up in the clothes, and anoints them and the altar and utensils and the tabernacle with oil. He kills the bull as a sin offering and pours the blood all over the place and burns the fat from it, then drags the rest out of the camp and burns it out there.

Then they kill a ram for a burnt offering, and God is totally happy about the smell of roasting goat.

Then they kill the ram of ordination. Moses takes some of the blood and dabs it on the priests' right ear lobes, right thumbs, and right big toes, then throws the rest of the blood on the side of the altar in a big splashy mess. He gives Aaron the fatty parts, the right thigh, and some unleavened bread. Aaron waves it around for a bit. Moses takes it back and burns it, and again, God is thrilled by the smell of burning fat and flesh.

Moses anoints the priests' garments with more oil and tells them to boil the rest of the flesh by the door of the tent and to eat it and the leftover unleavened bread, then burn all the leftovers. "Don't leave the tent for seven days," he tells them. "You have to stay right here at the entrance of the tent so you don't die!"

"Oh that makes perfect sense," says Aaron.

On the eighth day, Moses tells Aaron the do another sin offering, another burnt offering, and tells him to tell the people to burn up a TON of goats and calves and lambs and oxen and rams and grain and oil.

Aaron does his sin offering and burnt offering without a hitch. He does the sin offering for the people, the burnt offerings and the peace offerings, and all goes swimmingly. He blesses the people and the fire of God comes down from heaven and consumes the offerings, to much ooo-ing and ahh-ing of the crowd.

Aaron is absolutely rocking this priest gig.

Just when everything is going so well, two of Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide that they can do better. They put some incense in a censer and wave it around.

ZAP!!!!! God strikes them dead with fire from the sky.

Moses calls for a clean up crew and they carry Nadab and Abihu out of the camp.

"Carry on," says Moses.

Exodus 5 - 11: Let Us Go, Or Else!

Note:  Sorry this is so long, but it just all goes together...

Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and ask if they could all take a three-day trek into the wilderness for a sacrifice and feast.

Pharaoh says, "HA! Get back to work. Know what? Work just got harder. We're not going to give you straw for your bricks anymore. Get your own damn straw. Oh, but we still need just as many bricks. Hop to it. Those pyramids don't build themselves yanno."

They start gathering straw and complain, "This sucks. Why are you doing this to us?"

Pharaoh answers, "Hey, you have time for feasts, you have time to get straw."

Moses says to God, "I told you this wasn't going to be easy. You're mean to us."

"Now, now," says God. "Not so fast. I'm listening, and I'll get you out. Patience. Go tell him to let you go."

"Sigh, fine, but I don't know why he's going to listen to me. I'm not even circumcised."

"Hey, don't worry. I'll tell you what to say. But no, it's not going to be easy. He's not going to let you go. I thought I told you that. So when you go in, show them that trick where you turn the staff into a snake."

Moses and Aaron go in to Pharaoh and ask him to let them go. Aaron tosses his staff down and it turns into a snake.

"Cool trick," says Pharaoh, summoning his court magicians. They all toss their staffs down and they turn into snakes too. But Aaron's snake eats all their snakes.

"Yeah, know what?" says Pharaoh. "Get back to work. And you owe us all staffs."

"Ok, ok," says God to Moses as he's leaving the Pharaoh's house. "Time for plan B." And he whispers the plan.

The next morning Moses goes out to the Nile while Pharaoh is there washing up. He reaches out his staff and touches it to the water and all the water turns to blood, all the fish die, and the water is undrinkable.

"Take that," says Moses.

"Big deal... my magicians can do that too," says Pharaoh.

Seven days later Moses visits Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or you'll be plagued with frogs!"

"Frogs?" says Pharaoh. "Whatever. Get back to work."

You think it's no big deal until they're all over the place.

Aaron stretches out his staff and the land is suddenly covered with frogs. But Pharaoh's magicians can do the same, so Pharaoh is not impressed.

But he is annoyed. "Alright, listen," he says, kicking a frog off his foot. "You get rid of these damn frogs and I'll let you guys go have your feast."

So Moses calls out to God and the frogs all die. They pile them all in big smelly heaps.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

So Aaron strikes the dust of the ground with his staff and causes a plague of gnats. The Pharaoh's magicians try to make gnats, but they don't know this trick. They suggest that maybe Pharaoh might want to take these guys a little seriously. Pharaoh says, "Meh. It's just gnats. Not like it's flies or locusts or anything."

Moses goes to Pharaoh the next day and says, "Let us go or I'll cover your people with flies." The next day all the Egyptians are plagued by flies.

Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron. "Hey, how about you guys hold your feast right here and get rid of these flies?"

"No can do," says Moses. "We need to go three days away for our sacrifices to be acceptable."

"Fine. Take your walk. But get rid of the flies."

Moses asks God to get rid of the flies and they all disappear.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

Moses tells Pharaoh, "If you don't let us go, all your animals will die tomorrow. But all ours will be ok."

"Yeah right," says Pharaoh, and the next day, all the Egyptian's animals die.

"You guys suck," says Pharaoh.

The next day God tells Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of ashes and throw them in the air. They do this and suddenly all the Egyptians are covered in boils.

"Not funny," says Pharaoh.

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring down a giant hail storm."

"Pttt, whatever," says Pharaoh and the next day the hail comes down and destroys trees and crops and kills everyone who is outside. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the hail and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the hail.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring locusts."

Pharaoh's servants plead, "This is getting just plain silly. Let them go."

"Fine," says Pharaoh. "The men can go have their feast."

"Oh no," says Moses. "We all have to go. Kids and wives too. It's a family thing."

"Screw that," says Pharaoh. "Just the men, or no feast."

BUGS!!!

So Moses brings down locusts on the Egyptians. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the locusts and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the locusts.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next day God tells Moses to bring on darkness. He raises his staff and everything becomes dark. After three days Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Ok, you can all go have your sacrifices and feast with your families, but leave your livestock here."

"No," says Moses. "We need all those. You know... for the burnt offerings. God likes those so we might need all our animals."

"No deal," says Pharaoh.

God pulls Moses aside. "Ok," he says. "Time to play hardball."

"Pharaoh," says Moses, "if you don't let us go, the firstborn of every Egyptian household will die, including firstborn slaves and cattle. But our people will be fine."

"Do your worst," says Pharaoh.