Exodus 5 - 11: Let Us Go, Or Else!

Note:  Sorry this is so long, but it just all goes together...

Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and ask if they could all take a three-day trek into the wilderness for a sacrifice and feast.

Pharaoh says, "HA! Get back to work. Know what? Work just got harder. We're not going to give you straw for your bricks anymore. Get your own damn straw. Oh, but we still need just as many bricks. Hop to it. Those pyramids don't build themselves yanno."

They start gathering straw and complain, "This sucks. Why are you doing this to us?"

Pharaoh answers, "Hey, you have time for feasts, you have time to get straw."

Moses says to God, "I told you this wasn't going to be easy. You're mean to us."

"Now, now," says God. "Not so fast. I'm listening, and I'll get you out. Patience. Go tell him to let you go."

"Sigh, fine, but I don't know why he's going to listen to me. I'm not even circumcised."

"Hey, don't worry. I'll tell you what to say. But no, it's not going to be easy. He's not going to let you go. I thought I told you that. So when you go in, show them that trick where you turn the staff into a snake."

Moses and Aaron go in to Pharaoh and ask him to let them go. Aaron tosses his staff down and it turns into a snake.

"Cool trick," says Pharaoh, summoning his court magicians. They all toss their staffs down and they turn into snakes too. But Aaron's snake eats all their snakes.

"Yeah, know what?" says Pharaoh. "Get back to work. And you owe us all staffs."

"Ok, ok," says God to Moses as he's leaving the Pharaoh's house. "Time for plan B." And he whispers the plan.

The next morning Moses goes out to the Nile while Pharaoh is there washing up. He reaches out his staff and touches it to the water and all the water turns to blood, all the fish die, and the water is undrinkable.

"Take that," says Moses.

"Big deal... my magicians can do that too," says Pharaoh.

Seven days later Moses visits Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or you'll be plagued with frogs!"

"Frogs?" says Pharaoh. "Whatever. Get back to work."

You think it's no big deal until they're all over the place.

Aaron stretches out his staff and the land is suddenly covered with frogs. But Pharaoh's magicians can do the same, so Pharaoh is not impressed.

But he is annoyed. "Alright, listen," he says, kicking a frog off his foot. "You get rid of these damn frogs and I'll let you guys go have your feast."

So Moses calls out to God and the frogs all die. They pile them all in big smelly heaps.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

So Aaron strikes the dust of the ground with his staff and causes a plague of gnats. The Pharaoh's magicians try to make gnats, but they don't know this trick. They suggest that maybe Pharaoh might want to take these guys a little seriously. Pharaoh says, "Meh. It's just gnats. Not like it's flies or locusts or anything."

Moses goes to Pharaoh the next day and says, "Let us go or I'll cover your people with flies." The next day all the Egyptians are plagued by flies.

Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron. "Hey, how about you guys hold your feast right here and get rid of these flies?"

"No can do," says Moses. "We need to go three days away for our sacrifices to be acceptable."

"Fine. Take your walk. But get rid of the flies."

Moses asks God to get rid of the flies and they all disappear.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

Moses tells Pharaoh, "If you don't let us go, all your animals will die tomorrow. But all ours will be ok."

"Yeah right," says Pharaoh, and the next day, all the Egyptian's animals die.

"You guys suck," says Pharaoh.

The next day God tells Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of ashes and throw them in the air. They do this and suddenly all the Egyptians are covered in boils.

"Not funny," says Pharaoh.

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring down a giant hail storm."

"Pttt, whatever," says Pharaoh and the next day the hail comes down and destroys trees and crops and kills everyone who is outside. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the hail and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the hail.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring locusts."

Pharaoh's servants plead, "This is getting just plain silly. Let them go."

"Fine," says Pharaoh. "The men can go have their feast."

"Oh no," says Moses. "We all have to go. Kids and wives too. It's a family thing."

"Screw that," says Pharaoh. "Just the men, or no feast."

BUGS!!!

So Moses brings down locusts on the Egyptians. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the locusts and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the locusts.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next day God tells Moses to bring on darkness. He raises his staff and everything becomes dark. After three days Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Ok, you can all go have your sacrifices and feast with your families, but leave your livestock here."

"No," says Moses. "We need all those. You know... for the burnt offerings. God likes those so we might need all our animals."

"No deal," says Pharaoh.

God pulls Moses aside. "Ok," he says. "Time to play hardball."

"Pharaoh," says Moses, "if you don't let us go, the firstborn of every Egyptian household will die, including firstborn slaves and cattle. But our people will be fine."

"Do your worst," says Pharaoh.

Genesis Chapters 29 - 30: More Lies and Deceptions, Plus a Baby-Making Contest

Jacob goes off toward Haran. On the way he sees some shepherds with their sheep waiting around a well. The well had a large rock on top to keep it safe. He stops by and makes small talk, and asks if they know his uncle Laban.

“Know him?” they answer. “Heck, that’s his daughter Rachel coming with his sheep right now!”

Jacob replies, “Wow… she’s pretty. Hey, so, like, why don’t you guys water your sheep and skedaddle, know what I mean?”

“No way, man. That rock is heavy. We wait for everyone to get here so we only have to move it once. Don’t tell us how to do our jobs.”

Rachel gets there and being the nice guy that he is, Jacob moves the rock and waters her sheep, then plants a big wet kiss on her lips and introduces himself as her cousin. Rachel runs home and tells her father, and Laban welcomes Jacob into his home.

After a while, Laban says, “Hey you’ve been working here a while. I should probably pay you. How much do you want?”

Jacob offers seven years labor for the hand of Rachel. Laban agrees.

Seven years goes by quickly and Laban holds a marriage feast for Jacob and Rachel. But in the evening, once it’s dark, Laban pushes his other daughter Leah into Jacob’s tent. Jacob wakes up in the morning and is shocked to see that he’s slept with the wrong daughter.

“LABAN! WHAT THE HECK?” he cries.

“Oh, yeah, about that,” Laban says. “Well, you know Leah’s the older daughter and it wouldn’t be proper for her younger sister to be married before she is. So I switched them. Hope you don’t mind. How about this – I’ll give you Rachel, too, but you owe me another seven years. Sound good?”

“Ugh, fine…”

So Jacob gets both sisters (plus their female slaves), but he loves Rachel more. But he doesn’t dislike Leah so much that he doesn’t sleep with her, and she has some sons: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. Each time she thinks the birth of a child will make Jacob love her more, and each time she is disappointed.

Rachel gets jealous that she doesn’t have any children, and tells Jacob that if she doesn’t have a baby she will die! Jacob says he’s trying, but God’s in charge of the baby-making success rate. So Rachel gives him her female slave Bilhah for baby-making purposes. Jacob gets Bilhah pregnant twice with sons named Dan and Naphtali.

Now Leah sees that Rachel is catching up to her and gives Jacob her servant Zilpah for more babies. Zilpah has sons named Gad and Asher.

If you’ve lost track of the baby score, it’s Leah 6, Rachel 2.

One day Leah’s son Reuben finds some mandrakes and brings them home. Rachel asks if she can have some.

Leah replies, “Seriously? You stole my husband and now you’re taking my son’s mandrakes? What kind of scheming wench are you?”

“Fine… you can have Jacob tonight in exchange for some mandrakes.”

(Mandrakes are hallucinogens and are sometimes used in pagan fertility rituals.)

When Jacob comes home, Leah informs him that it’s her turn to sleep with him tonight since she bought him with mandrakes. And she gets pregnant again and has a son named Issachar. Then she has another son named Zebulun and a daughter, Dinah.

Rachel finally has a son of her own named Joseph.

Final tally: Leah 9 (well, 8, since one is a girl), Rachel 3. But Jacob still loves Rachel more.

As soon as Rachel has Joseph, Jacob asks Laban if he can go home. Laban says that Jacob is really a valuable member of the team and the reason he’s doing so well right now, so asks him to stay on for a while longer and offers Jacob a raise.

Jacob asks for all the speckled and spotted and black sheep and goats. Laban decides that’s fair and Jacob goes and splits up the flocks. He sends the spotted flock off with his sons to separate them from the white ones. He keeps watch over Laban’s white herd.

I get the cool looking ones, k?

Then he peels some sticks and puts them in front of the animals’ watering trough when the animals come to drink and mate. Somehow, looking at striped and spotted sticks while mating causes Laban’s white animals to have striped and spotted offspring. Jacob sends these animals off to his sons, since the agreement was that Jacob gets all the speckled animals.

He also makes sure that he only does this with the really nice strong animals. Any of the weaker or smaller animals, he lets them breed without sticks. Since they’re not looking at the magic striped sticks, those animals are just plain white.

Eventually, Jacob’s herd has a lot of strong speckled and spotted sheep and goats. And Laban’s herd is full of weak, puny all-white animals.

And Laban is not happy.