A note: I am hoping to finish writing Genesis by the end of the month. I am currently about 25% of the way through reading the Bible (I'm on 2 Samuel). This just takes longer to write it. The Bible will be read in a year. I suspect the blog will take longer.
After Joseph's been in prison for a while, the Pharaoh’s chief cup bearer and chief baker get thrown in jail. They end up in Joseph's section.
While they're there, they have terrible dreams on the same night (I can imagine that I would also have terrible dreams while in prison). Joseph sees them and asks, "Hey, why so glum? Well, other than for being in prison and all, but you look especially glum today."
They tell him that they have both had terrible dreams.
"Oh I love interpreting dreams! Tell me what they were!"
The cup bearer starts, "There was this vine with three branches and all these grapes grew out of them. And I took them and squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and gave it to Pharaoh." (Horrible nightmare, that one.)
Joseph says, "Oh, ok, the three branches are three days, and in three days the Pharaoh will get you out of here and restore you to your position as cup bearer. Hey, when that happens, tell him that I'm innocent and put in a good word for me so I can get out of here."
The baker, seeing that the cup bearer's dream was positive says, "Mine next! So in my dream I had three baskets on my head, all filled with delicious baked goods. But the birds kept flying over and eating the stuff out of the top basket."
"Oh, that's bad," says Joseph. "The three baskets are three days, but in three days, Pharaoh is going to chop your head off and hang it from a tree and the crows are going to eat you as you rot."
"Shit," says the baker.
And in three days, which happened to be Pharaoh's birthday, the cup bearer was restored to his position at court, but the baker was hanged. Unfortunately, the cup bearer completely forgets to tell Pharaoh about Joseph.
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| I'm so hungry I could eat a cow. |
Two years pass and Pharaoh has a dream that he was standing by the Nile and seven nice fat cows came out of the river and started feeding on the reeds. Then seven ugly skinny cows came out of the river, walked over to the nice cows and ATE them, but after they'd eaten them, the skinny cows were just as skinny as before. He wakes up, says, "Wow, weird dream. I need to lay off the hummus before bed."
He falls back asleep and has another dream. In this dream, seven big, beautiful ears of grain were growing on one stalk. And then seven scrawny thin ears sprouted nearby and gobbled up the seven healthy ears.
He wakes up again and says, "Really weird. Maybe it means something." And in the morning he calls all his magicians and wise men to him, but no one can figure out what it means.
Then the cup bearer suddenly remembers. "Pharaoh, there was a Hebrew guy down in the prison that's really good at this... What was his name...? Jimmy... John... NO! Joseph! Man, I wonder if he's still even down there... I suck at remembering stuff."
Pharaoh summons Joseph out of the prison. They clean him up and send him out and Pharaoh tells him his dreams.
"Oh that's an easy one! See the dreams are the same. The seven nice cows and seven nice ears of grain are both seven years. And the seven skinny cows and skinny ears of grain are seven years of famine. God's telling you that this is going to happen. So you're going to have seven really good years, and then seven years of famine that will consume everything from the good years. You should have someone in charge of preparations and store a fifth of everything now while it's good so that when the famine comes, everyone doesn't die."
Pharaoh says, "Wow, you are good! Ok, you're in charge of all that. Know what? I'm just going to put you in charge of my whole household." And Pharaoh dresses Joseph up and parades him all around Egypt to let everyone know that this guy is his Number One. He gives him a wife and promises to consult him about everything. During the good years, Joseph stores up tons of food, so much that they lose track of the stores. His wife bears two sons.
After seven years, the famine arrives. But Egypt has so much stored that they do alright. Even other countries come to Egypt for food because they've prepared so well.
Jacob (aka Israel, but we're calling him Jacob again now) hears that there's food in Egypt and tells ten of his sons to go down and see if they can get some grain. Benjamin, the youngest, stays behind.
They get to Egypt and bow in front of Joseph. Joseph recognizes them, and remembering his dream about the sheaves of grain bowing before him, says, "You're spies. You just came to see how much the drought has affected us."
"No, we're not spies," they say. "We're twelve brothers coming to buy food. "
"No you're spies. And not even good spies since there's only ten of you."
"Yeah, the youngest is at home and the other one.... died."
"I still say you're spies. I'm holding you here until your youngest brother comes to Egypt. I'll send one of you back home to go get him." And he tosses them all in jail for three days to mull it over.
In three days Joseph comes back and says, "Ok maybe I was a little harsh. I'll just hold one of you. The rest of you go back with grain and supplies, then you send the last brother over here and then I'll believe you."
The brothers talked among themselves and they start feeling a little guilty about selling Joseph to the Egyptians (though they really don't know that this is Joseph standing in front of them). Reuben says, "See I told you guys not to be jerks. Now we're all going to pay for that little stunt."
Joseph keeps Simeon and loads up their donkeys with grain and traveling supplies and sends the rest of the brothers on their way back to Canaan. They pay him for everything, but while no one is looking, Joseph puts each man's money back into the sacks.
On the trip home, one brother opens a sack to feed his donkey and notices the coins are there. "Oh no! Did I forget to pay? This is bad."
They get home and tell Jacob everything that happened. They unpack and realize that ALL their money is in the sacks. Jacob yells at them, "You fools! Joseph is dead, now Simeon probably is or will be, and you want to take Benjamin down there to die too. No way. Not gonna happen. Idiots."
Reuben says, "Listen, if I take Benjamin down and they kill him, you can kill my two sons. That's fair, right?"
"No," Jacob says. "Absolutely not."
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