Genesis 43 - 50: Hey, Let's All Go to Egypt!

Jacob and his sons and their families eventually eat all the food that they'd brought up from Egypt.

Jacob suggests that they maybe should go down and see about getting some more.

"Dad," they say, "you know he said we need to bring Benjamin down with us. So that's the only way we're getting anything else."

"You stupid knuckleheads, why did you have to go and blab about having another brother?"

"Well... he asked us," they reply. (If you go back a couple chapters, he didn't ask... they just kind of mentioned it.) Judah says, "Listen I promise he'll be fine. If you'd let me do this back when we got back I could have gone back and forth twice already."

"Alright, alright... take the kid. And take some other stuff... nuts and perfume and honey and some gum... everyone likes gum. And for crying out loud, don't forget to pay the man this time! Take extra money just in case."

They again travel all the way down to Egypt. Joseph sees them arrive and prepares a feast and tells his people to bring the travelers up to his house. His brothers are nervous because they think maybe they're in trouble for not paying the last time they were here and they try to explain the situation to Joseph's people.

"Ohhhh no, you're fine," says Joseph's steward. "You paid me. God must have put that money in your sacks. Amazing, right?"

They bring Simeon up from the jail, and everyone washes up for dinner. Joseph comes in for lunch and makes some small talk, asking about their father and such. But he gets a little overwhelmed with emotion at seeing Benjamin and has to step out a moment and compose himself before dinner.

After they eat, Joseph tells his steward, "Make sure they have food, then put their money back in their sacks. And here... take my cup that they know is mine and put it in Benjamin's sack. Don't let anyone see you."

Just after they leave, Joseph sends the steward after them. "Accuse them of stealing my cup. Really scare them, ok? Freak them out good.  This is going to be hilarious!  We'll all laugh about it later."

The steward catches up to them and yells at them. They deny taking anything, but a search turns up the cup in Benjamin's sacks. Busted. Back to Egypt they go.

They fall down in front of Joseph and beg forgiveness. Joseph replies, "Yeah, only the person who had it has to stay with me and be my servant. So the little one stays.  The rest of you can go home."

Jacob is not going to like it at all if they return without Benjamin. Judah tries to explain to Joseph how much this will hurt their father if Benjamin doesn't go home and he offers himself as a servant instead.

Joseph can't stand it anymore and bursts into tears. He sends all his servants out and when they're alone, he says, "DUDES! It's ME! JOSEPH! The one you sold into slavery! But hey, it's fine. Because if you hadn't sold me, I wouldn't have been here to interpret the Pharaoh's dream about the famine. Because of that, there's all this stored up food. So see? If I hadn't come here, we all would have died. God did that. Cool, right? So buzz back up to Canaan, tell our father that I'm down here, and bring the whole family down. We Hebrews are just going to fit right in here in Egypt! The Egyptians are awesome people. They love us!"

Pharaoh hears that Joseph's brothers are visiting him and agrees. "Oh look at your family! I'm so happy to meet you all!  You must bring everyone here and I'll give them the best of all we have.  I insist!"

I hate moving...

They load up the donkeys with a ton of stuff to prove the goodwill of the Pharaoh and with provisions for the trip to Canaan and then the return trip back to Egypt. They go and pick up Jacob and their wives and kids and families (all 70 of them) and make the trip back to Egypt. On the trip, God tells Jacob that they will be a great nation and, not to worry... that he will bring them up out of Egypt... eventually. And everything will be just fine.

Joseph meets up with them in Goshen and is reunited with his father. He tells them all, "I'm going to tell Pharaoh that you guys are all shepherds. So if he happens to ask, remember that. He'll give us the area of Goshen. Egyptians don't really like shepherds so we'll be ok here."

Pharaoh gives them Goshen and they settle there.

The famine continues and times get worse. People run out of money to buy food. Joseph tells the Egyptians that come for food that he'll take livestock in exchange for food. For a whole year he collects livestock in exchange for food.

The people run out of animals to trade. They start to give him their land for Pharaoh in exchange for food, and all the people become Pharaoh's servants. Joseph gives them seeds and tells them to sow this land, but that Pharaoh shall always get a fifth of the harvest. They agree.

Jacob's family does well in Goshen and accumulate wealth. Jacob grows old, and at 147 years, calls Joseph to him. "Promise me you'll bury me in Canaan." Joseph promises that he will. Jacob blesses Joseph's two sons and Joseph. Joseph sees that Jacob's right hand is on the younger son's head and tries to switch it over to the older son's.

"Nope, sorry," says Jacob. "Your younger son will be greater."

Then everyone gathers around Jacob as he's dying and Jacob tells them what's going to happen:

Reuben won't be the leader because he slept with that concubine. Simeon and Levi killed all those people after Dinah was raped and are too violent and rash to lead.

Judah will be praised by all his brothers and his descendents will be a strong tribe.

Zebulun will be a sea merchant and his area will be a harbor for ships.  Issachar will work hard and till the soil.  Dan will be a judge of the people of Israel.  Gad will be plagued by raiders, but he'll win in the end.  Asher's food will be really good and they'll be a rich people.

Naphtali is the pretty one.  Joseph is still my favorite.  Benjamin will be a great warrior.

And he dies. Joseph has the Egyptians embalm him and they mourn him for 70 days. Joseph asks Pharaoh for permission to go bury his father in the cave in Canaan. Everyone, including Pharaoh and all the elders of Egypt make the trek to bury Jacob.

Joseph's brothers worry that now that Jacob is gone, maybe Joseph will be mad at them again for that whole "faking his death and selling him into slavery" prank. So they tell Joseph that Jacob told them that he needs to forgive them. Joseph tells them not to worry since it all seems to have worked out pretty well.

Joseph lives 110 years, long enough to see his great great great grandchildren. Before he dies he reminds everyone about God's promise to bring them up out of Egypt and asks that when that happens, to please bring his bones with them. He dies and they embalm him and put him in a coffin.

Genesis Chapters 40 - 42: Joseph's Dream Interpretation Gig Pays Off and He Messes with His Brothers

A note:  I am hoping to finish writing Genesis by the end of the month.  I am currently about 25% of the way through reading the Bible (I'm on 2 Samuel).  This just takes longer to write it.  The Bible will be read in a year.  I suspect the blog will take longer.

After Joseph's been in prison for a while, the Pharaoh’s chief cup bearer and chief baker get thrown in jail. They end up in Joseph's section.

While they're there, they have terrible dreams on the same night (I can imagine that I would also have terrible dreams while in prison). Joseph sees them and asks, "Hey, why so glum? Well, other than for being in prison and all, but you look especially glum today."

They tell him that they have both had terrible dreams.

"Oh I love interpreting dreams! Tell me what they were!"

The cup bearer starts, "There was this vine with three branches and all these grapes grew out of them. And I took them and squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and gave it to Pharaoh." (Horrible nightmare, that one.)

Joseph says, "Oh, ok, the three branches are three days, and in three days the Pharaoh will get you out of here and restore you to your position as cup bearer. Hey, when that happens, tell him that I'm innocent and put in a good word for me so I can get out of here."

The baker, seeing that the cup bearer's dream was positive says, "Mine next! So in my dream I had three baskets on my head, all filled with delicious baked goods. But the birds kept flying over and eating the stuff out of the top basket."

"Oh, that's bad," says Joseph. "The three baskets are three days, but in three days, Pharaoh is going to chop your head off and hang it from a tree and the crows are going to eat you as you rot."

"Shit," says the baker.

And in three days, which happened to be Pharaoh's birthday, the cup bearer was restored to his position at court, but the baker was hanged. Unfortunately, the cup bearer completely forgets to tell Pharaoh about Joseph.

I'm so hungry I could eat a cow.

Two years pass and Pharaoh has a dream that he was standing by the Nile and seven nice fat cows came out of the river and started feeding on the reeds. Then seven ugly skinny cows came out of the river, walked over to the nice cows and ATE them, but after they'd eaten them, the skinny cows were just as skinny as before. He wakes up, says, "Wow, weird dream. I need to lay off the hummus before bed."

He falls back asleep and has another dream. In this dream, seven big, beautiful ears of grain were growing on one stalk. And then seven scrawny thin ears sprouted nearby and gobbled up the seven healthy ears.

He wakes up again and says, "Really weird. Maybe it means something." And in the morning he calls all his magicians and wise men to him, but no one can figure out what it means.

Then the cup bearer suddenly remembers. "Pharaoh, there was a Hebrew guy down in the prison that's really good at this... What was his name...? Jimmy... John... NO! Joseph! Man, I wonder if he's still even down there... I suck at remembering stuff."

Pharaoh summons Joseph out of the prison. They clean him up and send him out and Pharaoh tells him his dreams.

"Oh that's an easy one! See the dreams are the same. The seven nice cows and seven nice ears of grain are both seven years. And the seven skinny cows and skinny ears of grain are seven years of famine. God's telling you that this is going to happen. So you're going to have seven really good years, and then seven years of famine that will consume everything from the good years. You should have someone in charge of preparations and store a fifth of everything now while it's good so that when the famine comes, everyone doesn't die."

Pharaoh says, "Wow, you are good! Ok, you're in charge of all that. Know what? I'm just going to put you in charge of my whole household." And Pharaoh dresses Joseph up and parades him all around Egypt to let everyone know that this guy is his Number One. He gives him a wife and promises to consult him about everything. During the good years, Joseph stores up tons of food, so much that they lose track of the stores. His wife bears two sons.

After seven years, the famine arrives. But Egypt has so much stored that they do alright. Even other countries come to Egypt for food because they've prepared so well.

Jacob (aka Israel, but we're calling him Jacob again now) hears that there's food in Egypt and tells ten of his sons to go down and see if they can get some grain. Benjamin, the youngest, stays behind.

They get to Egypt and bow in front of Joseph. Joseph recognizes them, and remembering his dream about the sheaves of grain bowing before him, says, "You're spies. You just came to see how much the drought has affected us."

"No, we're not spies," they say. "We're twelve brothers coming to buy food. "

"No you're spies. And not even good spies since there's only ten of you."

"Yeah, the youngest is at home and the other one.... died."

"I still say you're spies. I'm holding you here until your youngest brother comes to Egypt. I'll send one of you back home to go get him." And he tosses them all in jail for three days to mull it over.

In three days Joseph comes back and says, "Ok maybe I was a little harsh. I'll just hold one of you. The rest of you go back with grain and supplies, then you send the last brother over here and then I'll believe you."

The brothers talked among themselves and they start feeling a little guilty about selling Joseph to the Egyptians (though they really don't know that this is Joseph standing in front of them). Reuben says, "See I told you guys not to be jerks. Now we're all going to pay for that little stunt."

Joseph keeps Simeon and loads up their donkeys with grain and traveling supplies and sends the rest of the brothers on their way back to Canaan. They pay him for everything, but while no one is looking, Joseph puts each man's money back into the sacks.

On the trip home, one brother opens a sack to feed his donkey and notices the coins are there. "Oh no! Did I forget to pay? This is bad."

They get home and tell Jacob everything that happened. They unpack and realize that ALL their money is in the sacks. Jacob yells at them, "You fools! Joseph is dead, now Simeon probably is or will be, and you want to take Benjamin down there to die too. No way. Not gonna happen. Idiots."

Reuben says, "Listen, if I take Benjamin down and they kill him, you can kill my two sons. That's fair, right?"

"No," Jacob says. "Absolutely not."

Genesis Chapters 37 - 39: Hey, Nice Coat. Wanna Make Out?

FAB-U-LOUS!!!!

Joseph is Israel's favorite boy and he makes him a fancy, colorful robe. Naturally, all the other kids think he's a spoiled little goody two shoes.

Then he has this great dream and tells his brothers about it. In this dream they're all binding grain into sheaves in a field. His sheaf stood proud and upright and all his brothers' sheaves came and bowed down to it.

"See," said his brothers, "and you wonder why we hate you."

Then he has another dream that the sun and moon and stars bowed down to him. He told this dream to his father.

"Kid, you're getting a big head," says Israel, but he keeps this in the back of his mind.

One day the other brothers are with the flock near Shecham and Israel sends Joseph out to check on them and report back. He puts on his fancy rainbow robe and goes out to find them.

They spot him coming (he is wearing a brightly colored coat, so he's easy to spot) and say, "Aw, man... Here comes Mr. Big Dreamer. Hey, let's kill him, toss him in a pit, and say an animal ate him!"

Reuben is horrified at the suggestion. "What the hell? We can't kill him! Let's just toss him in the pit without killing him. That's much more humane." He figures he can go back later and rescue him. But everyone else thinks he's such a spoiled brat and hates him so much that they agree that this is a good idea.

"Hi guys!" says little Joey cheerfully as he approaches. "Whatcha doin?"

They rip his coat off and toss him in the pit. Then they sit down and eat dinner.

"Guys? Hello...? Can I have a sandwich?"

While they're eating a caravan of merchants passes by on their way to Egypt. "Ohhhhh guys!" says Judah. "Let's not kill Joey. Let's SELL him!" They sell their brother off for 20 shekels. The caravan takes him to Egypt and he is sold to Potiphar, who is a captain for the Pharoah.

Reuben returns to the pit and sees that his youngest brother was gone and knows that Israel will probably be a little bit angry with him. So they kill a goat and pour the blood on Joseph's coat and sent it home to Israel with a note saying, "Isn't this Joey's coat?"

Israel is inconsolable.

Judah takes a Canaanite wife and she has some sons. He finds his firstborn, Er, a wife named Tamar. But God doesn't like Er much, so he smites him. Judah tells his second son, Onan, to take over the role of husband to this poor woman. Onan doesn't want to be responsible for children by his dead brother's wife (since they would technically be his brother's offspring), so he pulls out every time. God doesn't like this, so he smites Onan too.

Judah says to Tamar, "Gee, sorry about that... why don't you go back home to your father's house until my youngest son Shelah grows up."

Judah's wife dies and when he's done mourning he goes to Timnah with a friend to sheer his sheep. Tamar hears he's coming to town so she takes off her widow's clothes, figuring Shelah is probably old enough to marry her now. She wraps herself in a veil and waits for them to come. Judah sees her and takes her for a prostitute because of the veil.

He propositions her and she asks for a goat as payment.

"Well, I don't have a goat with me, but I'll send you one later."

"Alright, give me your cord and your staff and that ring and I'll send them back when I get my goat."

He agrees to this and he bangs his daughter-in-law, not knowing that she's his daughter-in-law.

Judah sends his friend with the goat, but he can't find the prostitute anywhere. They decide to cut their losses.

Three months later, Judah hears that Tamar is pregnant.

"BURN HER!" After all, that's the only sensible solution.

She whips out the signet and the cord and the staff and says, "Hey... remember these... daddy?"

"Oh snap," says Judah. "Yeah, my bad. Never mind." She has twins.

Meanwhile, down in Egypt, Joseph is sold to Potiphar. He does pretty well, even though he's a slave, and Potiphar puts him in completely charge of the household.

Joseph grows up to be quite handsome and Potiphar's wife can't help but notice him. She says, "Hey baby... how you doin'?"

"Um, good... But I'm really not interested."

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me... Aren't you?

She continues to pursue him day after day, and day after day, he turns her down.

One day she catches him alone in the house and grabs his robe and tries to have a go at him. He slips out of his coat and runs off.

She's had enough. She calls the household guards. "That Hebrew fellow just tried to rape me! See! He took his coat off, but when I yelled, he ran off!"

Potiphar is angry that Joseph, who he's trusted, has allegedly tried to rape his wife. He tosses Joseph in prison. But just as he was successful as a slave, he's successful as a prisoner, and the warden puts him in charge of all the prisoners.