Leviticus Chapters 1 - 6:7 Want To Make God Happy? Burn Something.

"Know what I really like?" says God.

"What?" asks Moses.

"Splashing blood around and the smell of burning flesh. And I like my steaks well done. So whether you want to just make me happy, or when people do something wrong, I want you to ritualistically burn some things and all will be forgiven. Here are the rules:

I really prefer mine to be on the rarer side, but to each his own

"Burnt offerings - Bring a flawless bull to the door of temple, put your hands on its head and kill it. Aaron and his sons gather the blood and splash it all around the altar. Flay it, chop it up, wash the guts and legs, and then and burn the whole thing. If you bring a male sheep or a goat (also flawless), kill it on the north side of the altar, don't bother flaying it, but then do the same thing with all the parts like you did with the bull. If all you have are birds, then wring their little heads off, drain the blood on the altar, take the gizzard out and toss it in the ashes. Rip it apart by the wings (but not totally in half... just mangle it a bit) and burn it.

"Grain offerings - You can bring me flour and bread. Bring flour to Aaron and he will take a handful of the flour, mix it up with oil and frankincense and burn it. Aaron gets to keep the rest of the flour you brought. I also like bread, but nothing leavened, and it needs to have oil in it or on it. Bring it to Aaron and he'll burn some on the altar and keep the rest for himself. No burning honey either. Not much of a sweet tooth. But season all your grain offerings with salt. Any first harvest offerings should be roasted and crushed and mixed with oil and frankincense.

"Peace offerings - These can be male or female animals, but still need to be perfectly flawless. Put your hand on its head and kill it in the front of the tent. Aaron and his sons will splash the blood around the altar. Burn the fat on the entrails, the kidneys with all their fat, and the long lobe of the liver with its fat. If it's a lamb, burn the tail, too.

"Sin offerings - If a priest sins accidentally (OOPS!), he needs to bring a bull to the tent, put your hand on its head, and kill it. Bring some of the blood in the tent and sprinkle it with a finger seven times on the veil of the altar, rub some blood on the horns of the incense altar, and pour the rest of it at the base of the burnt offering altar. Burn all the fat like in the peace offering, but then drag the rest of the bull outside the camp and burn it.

"If all the people of Israel collectively sin accidentally (OOPS!) they need to bring a bull to the tent and the elders of the camp will lay their hands on the head of the bull and kill it and the priest splash the blood around and burn the fat and then the bull just like I said before.

"If one of the leaders sins accidentally (OOPS!) they just bring a male goat, hands on the head, kill it, splash the blood around and burn the fat on the altar, but they don't need to drag the goat out of town and burn it.

"If a regular run of the mill person sins accidentally (you people need to be more careful), bring a female goat and do all the same stuff to it like I just said. Alternately, you can use a female sheep. Things someone might do that would need a sin offering to be made: not coming forward to testify with information, touching unclean stuff (unclean animals, carcasses, human uncleanness, etc.), or making oaths without thinking things through. And if you can't afford a lamb or a goat, I'll accept two birds. If you don't have birds, then flour will have to do.

"Guilt offerings - if you break any of my commandments, or breach your faith, deceive or lie about a neighbor, found something and lied about it, or stole something you have to sacrifice a 10-shekel ram, and also fix whatever you have done, plus pay 10% of the restitution to the priest. Do that and you're forgiven."

"Seems pretty simple, though again, what's with the splashing of blood all over the place?" says Moses.  "You really expect that people will keep up with this practice?"

"Oh of course they will!" says God.  "Don't be silly!"