Numbers 1 - 4: Add It Up

"A census?" asks Moses. "Can't we just say there's a lot of us and that we've been out of Egypt for over a year and everyone is getting a little bit impatient to be on our way?"

"No," says God. "I want a census of everyone by family. But I'll cut you some slack... just count the men over 20. And don't bother counting the Levites. They're in charge of taking care of the tabernacle and all my stuff, so I see them more often."

One... two.... three....

It takes a couple of days, but they eventually count 603,550 men. God arranges them in the camp so that everyone has a space of their own under their own family banner, with the tabernacle in the middle. He assigns each of them a place in the procession for when they finally leave for Israel. Aaron and his sons (minus the two that were struck by lightning for burning incense) are to serve as priests.

God calls Moses back over. "Ok, now I want you to list the Levites."

"But I thought we didn't have to count them," Moses complains.

"Oh, you'll count them," says God menacingly. "And just for questioning me, you have to count ALL of the males, ages one months and up."

So they go and count the Levites, and report back that there are exactly 22,000.

"Really? A nice round number like that?" asks God. "What are the chances..."

"Well, you work in mysterious ways," says Aaron.

"That I do," says God. "That I do. Ok, now I want you to go and count all the first born sons in all of Israel, a month or older."

"Oh, seriously?" says Moses. "Why didn't you tell us before? We could have asked that when we did the first head count!"

"I only just thought of it," says God.

They go back through the entire camp and return with a count of 22,273 first born males.

God considers this. "Hey, that's pretty close to the number of Levites. So I'll just take the Levites as my workers, but go collect some silver from the other 273 first born sons to make up the difference and give that to Aaron and his sons. Now I want you to go and count the family of Kohath from the Levite clan. Tell me how many males there are between the ages of 30 and 50."

"Again?" asks Aaron. "We already went through that whole family. If we'd had a questionnaire or something we could have gathered all this information at once."

"I think you'd have figured out by now that I am just winging this," says God. "The Kohath family is going to be in charge of the ark and setting up and taking down and carrying all the most holy things. If they touch the holy things or even look at them they'll die. And alright, while you're at it, count the other families too. The Gershons are going to be in charge of carrying all the curtains and goat skins, and the Merari family is in charge of the bars, pillars, and bases."

Again, Moses and Aaron take a head count and report back with 2,750 Kohathites, 2,630 Gershons, and 3,200 Merari.

Leviticus 24 - 27: Wrapping up the rules of conduct

"Alright, let's wrap up all the loose odds and ends that I forgot to mention," says God. "Or I might have mentioned and then forgot... I may repeat some stuff."

"We're getting used to it," says Moses.

"Tell all the people to bring olive oil for the lamps," says God. "And, Aaron, keep the lamps arranged nicely. It really has to look nice. And make some bread and arrange that along with it. It should look like a photo shoot from Bon Appetite, all the time."

Suddenly Moses hears a disruption coming from the camp. He and Aaron excuse themselves and go check it out, and find the half-Egyptian son of an Israeli woman in a heated argument with an Israeli man. In this argument, the woman's son swore and used God's name in a way that was not so very nice. Moses brings him back over to God to figure out what to do with him.

Good fun

"Throw rocks at him until he's dead," says God.

"Really?" asks Moses. "Kill him?"

"Did I stutter?" says God. "Blasphemy is punishable by death. Everyone gather around and grab a stone. Aim for the head."

"Oh my God... I can't believe this," says Aaron under his breath, looking away.

"What?" asks God.

"Oh... I said, 'Where's my rod... I'm going to need it,'" says Aaron.

"Mmmm hmm."

After the stoning is done and the guy is dead in a bloody heap on the ground, God continues. "Anyone who kills someone else shall be put to death. And if you poke out someone's eye, they get to poke your out. And if you knock out someone's tooth, they get to knock yours out too. And if you kill someone's animal you have to pay for it."

Aaron leans over to Moses and whispers, "Are you sure about this?"

"Shhh... land of milk and honey, remember?" he replies. "We gotta take our chances."

"Listen up!" yells God. "When we get to where I'm going, you'll work and harvest for six years. But in the seventh year, you won't sow or harvest anything."

"What will we eat?" asks Aaron.

"The land will provide enough for you to eat," says God. "After six years everything should be pretty well-established and will be able to grow on its own for a year. It's not a miracle or anything. And every fiftieth year it will be a Jubilee year that you spend with your family. If anyone has sold their land because they needed the money, that land gets returned to them on that year. That way no one person gets too much wealth and power over their poorer neighbors."

"That sounds like... SOCIALISM!" says Aaron.

"What's socialism?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I don't really know," says Aaron. "I just heard someone else say it."

"If someone has sold land and then is able to buy it back, they can do it sooner. But regardless, they will get it back at the Jubilee," says God. "The only exception would be land in a walled city. You only have a year to buy it back and that doesn't get returned at the Jubilee. But any unwalled villages or fields get returned to their original owners or face my wrath."

"You also need to support your poor neighbors, as long as they're Israeli" God continues. "Let them live with you. Don't charge him interest on loans and don't charge him for any food you give him. He can work for you in exchange for food, but at the Jubilee they get to go home to their own land. Any non-Israelis can be bought and sold as slaves."

God sighs. "Let's see... what else... No idols... keep my Sabbath... observe all those commandments. Do all this and you'll be unstoppable and I'll bless you forever."

"Awesome," says Moses.

"BUT!" God continues, "Don't do these things and you will seriously regret it. You'll have panic attacks and hives and wasting disease and all kinds of heartache. You'll lose all your battles, I'll send wild animals to eat your babies, plagues and famine. And you'll be so hungry you'll eat your own children. I'll destroy all your cities and your children (the ones that haven't been eaten) will move away and they'll live in fear always unless they apologize for their sins and make amends."

"Oh, hey, is this where that 'atheists eat babies' joke comes from?" asks Aaron.

"Yeah, sure," says God. "And some people are worth more to me than others. And I should get a tenth of everything you produce. And them's the rules, folks."

"Great!" says Aaron. "Let's get on with this road trip."

"Oh, don't be hasty," says God. "I need a head count."

Leviticus 20 - 23: More Rules and Some Feasts

God continues laying out the rules. "Like I said a little bit ago, no child sacrifices to Molech. If anyone sacrifices kids to Molech, they should be stoned."

"Well, really, you'd have to be stoned out of your mind to do something as awful as that," says Aaron.

"No, you idiot," says God. "Throw stones at them until they're dead."

"I thought we weren't supposed to kill anyone," says Moses.

"Only if I say otherwise," says God. "And no mediums or necromancers. They get put to death too. Again... unless I say so, because I might change my mind later if I need to."

"All those sex things I told you about earlier... having sex with someone that's not your wife, having sex with your father's wife or any relatives or men or animals... that's all punishable by death," says God. "Some of those other things, like a man seeing his sister naked or having sex with his wife while she has her period... for that you just get cut off from your people. And if someone has sex with their aunt or sister-in-law, then they'll be childless."

"Ok, ok," says Moses. "We get it."

"You do all these things I told you, and you'll have a great time in this land that I am taking you to. You don't, that land will spit you right back out like a bad tomato."

"Aaron," says God, "I have special priest instructions for you and your sons. They need to remain clean, unless there's a death in your close family, then they can be unclean. You guys need to be an example since you're the ones in charge of all the sacrificing and burnt offerings to me, so you need to follow those rules closely. No marrying whores or divorced women or anything that might make someone raise an eyebrow. If you have a daughter who acts like a little slut, then she needs to be burned."

No, really.  Totally acceptable.

"Wow, wait... what?" says Aaron. "Burn my daughters? I thought we weren't supposed to burn our children."

"You can't burn them as SACRIFICES to Molech," says God. "This isn't a sacrifice. It's punishment for bringing shame on your family. Totally different thing."

"Ohhhhhh... wait. No," says Aaron. "It's really the same thing."

"Moving on," says God, "The chief priest can't let his hair hang loose or tear his clothes. He can't leave the sanctuary, even if his parents die. And his wife has to be a virgin, and not a foreigner."

God turns to Moses. "Tell your brother that any of his generations that has a blemish or is disabled or has serious injury to his hands or feet or is a dwarf or has crushed testicles or scabs cannot offer the sacrifices to me. They can eat the sacrifices but they can't come through the veil or approach the altar because I don't want to look at that. No one that is unclean can offer sacrifices until they are clean. No lay person or travelers can eat the holy things. But if a priest buys a slave, that slave can eat holy things.

"I'm serious about the blemishes. I don't want animals that are blemished either. I'm not taking your leftovers. I want the best of whatever you have."

Moses turns to Aaron and says, "God told me to tell you...."

"I know," says Aaron. "I'm standing right here. I heard him say it."

"Hey, lets have some feasts," says God. "No working on the Sabbath. So you all get a day off. And then we'll have Passover, where you'll just eat unleavened bread for seven days while you make sacrifices to me."

"How exactly is eating unleavened bread a feast?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I didn't say it was a feast for you," says God. "Feast for me. I get all the sacrifices. Same with the harvest. Sacrifice some grain and some food and wine to me. You can't eat until I have that sacrifice. Then 99 days after that, I want another grain offering, seven lambs, a bull and two rams. And a goat as a sin offering. And two more lambs as a peace offering. And hey, don't reap your fields right up to the edges. Leave some for the poor people and the travelers.

God continues, "Then on the first day of the seventh month we'll have another rest day where we blow some trumpets as a memorial. I'd like a food offering on that day too. Nothing fancy though. On the tenth day of that month, you need to afflict yourself and feel horribly guilty and give me another food offering. Anyone who doesn't do this will be cut off, and anyone who dares work on this day will be destroyed."

"On the fifteenth day of the seventh month..."

"Man," says Moses, "We're going to be really busy in this seventh month."

"Yeah, it's my favorite month," says God. "For seven days from the fifteenth, you offer me food sacrifices. The first and last days of this time are for resting, but the days in the middle are for feasting and rejoicing."

"Oh finally," says Aaron.

I do like camping.

"And you have to dwell in booths for those days," God adds.

"Booths?" asks Moses.

"Yes. Booths," says God.

"Why booths?" asks Aaron.

"So everyone will remember how it was when I brought you out of Egypt," says God. "So, like for now, keep doing what you're doing since you're living in booths anyway. But later, when we get to where we're going and build houses and stuff, you'll have to go camping once a year for a week."