Leviticus 20 - 23: More Rules and Some Feasts

God continues laying out the rules. "Like I said a little bit ago, no child sacrifices to Molech. If anyone sacrifices kids to Molech, they should be stoned."

"Well, really, you'd have to be stoned out of your mind to do something as awful as that," says Aaron.

"No, you idiot," says God. "Throw stones at them until they're dead."

"I thought we weren't supposed to kill anyone," says Moses.

"Only if I say otherwise," says God. "And no mediums or necromancers. They get put to death too. Again... unless I say so, because I might change my mind later if I need to."

"All those sex things I told you about earlier... having sex with someone that's not your wife, having sex with your father's wife or any relatives or men or animals... that's all punishable by death," says God. "Some of those other things, like a man seeing his sister naked or having sex with his wife while she has her period... for that you just get cut off from your people. And if someone has sex with their aunt or sister-in-law, then they'll be childless."

"Ok, ok," says Moses. "We get it."

"You do all these things I told you, and you'll have a great time in this land that I am taking you to. You don't, that land will spit you right back out like a bad tomato."

"Aaron," says God, "I have special priest instructions for you and your sons. They need to remain clean, unless there's a death in your close family, then they can be unclean. You guys need to be an example since you're the ones in charge of all the sacrificing and burnt offerings to me, so you need to follow those rules closely. No marrying whores or divorced women or anything that might make someone raise an eyebrow. If you have a daughter who acts like a little slut, then she needs to be burned."

No, really.  Totally acceptable.

"Wow, wait... what?" says Aaron. "Burn my daughters? I thought we weren't supposed to burn our children."

"You can't burn them as SACRIFICES to Molech," says God. "This isn't a sacrifice. It's punishment for bringing shame on your family. Totally different thing."

"Ohhhhhh... wait. No," says Aaron. "It's really the same thing."

"Moving on," says God, "The chief priest can't let his hair hang loose or tear his clothes. He can't leave the sanctuary, even if his parents die. And his wife has to be a virgin, and not a foreigner."

God turns to Moses. "Tell your brother that any of his generations that has a blemish or is disabled or has serious injury to his hands or feet or is a dwarf or has crushed testicles or scabs cannot offer the sacrifices to me. They can eat the sacrifices but they can't come through the veil or approach the altar because I don't want to look at that. No one that is unclean can offer sacrifices until they are clean. No lay person or travelers can eat the holy things. But if a priest buys a slave, that slave can eat holy things.

"I'm serious about the blemishes. I don't want animals that are blemished either. I'm not taking your leftovers. I want the best of whatever you have."

Moses turns to Aaron and says, "God told me to tell you...."

"I know," says Aaron. "I'm standing right here. I heard him say it."

"Hey, lets have some feasts," says God. "No working on the Sabbath. So you all get a day off. And then we'll have Passover, where you'll just eat unleavened bread for seven days while you make sacrifices to me."

"How exactly is eating unleavened bread a feast?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I didn't say it was a feast for you," says God. "Feast for me. I get all the sacrifices. Same with the harvest. Sacrifice some grain and some food and wine to me. You can't eat until I have that sacrifice. Then 99 days after that, I want another grain offering, seven lambs, a bull and two rams. And a goat as a sin offering. And two more lambs as a peace offering. And hey, don't reap your fields right up to the edges. Leave some for the poor people and the travelers.

God continues, "Then on the first day of the seventh month we'll have another rest day where we blow some trumpets as a memorial. I'd like a food offering on that day too. Nothing fancy though. On the tenth day of that month, you need to afflict yourself and feel horribly guilty and give me another food offering. Anyone who doesn't do this will be cut off, and anyone who dares work on this day will be destroyed."

"On the fifteenth day of the seventh month..."

"Man," says Moses, "We're going to be really busy in this seventh month."

"Yeah, it's my favorite month," says God. "For seven days from the fifteenth, you offer me food sacrifices. The first and last days of this time are for resting, but the days in the middle are for feasting and rejoicing."

"Oh finally," says Aaron.

I do like camping.

"And you have to dwell in booths for those days," God adds.

"Booths?" asks Moses.

"Yes. Booths," says God.

"Why booths?" asks Aaron.

"So everyone will remember how it was when I brought you out of Egypt," says God. "So, like for now, keep doing what you're doing since you're living in booths anyway. But later, when we get to where we're going and build houses and stuff, you'll have to go camping once a year for a week."