Leviticus 24 - 27: Wrapping up the rules of conduct

"Alright, let's wrap up all the loose odds and ends that I forgot to mention," says God. "Or I might have mentioned and then forgot... I may repeat some stuff."

"We're getting used to it," says Moses.

"Tell all the people to bring olive oil for the lamps," says God. "And, Aaron, keep the lamps arranged nicely. It really has to look nice. And make some bread and arrange that along with it. It should look like a photo shoot from Bon Appetite, all the time."

Suddenly Moses hears a disruption coming from the camp. He and Aaron excuse themselves and go check it out, and find the half-Egyptian son of an Israeli woman in a heated argument with an Israeli man. In this argument, the woman's son swore and used God's name in a way that was not so very nice. Moses brings him back over to God to figure out what to do with him.

Good fun

"Throw rocks at him until he's dead," says God.

"Really?" asks Moses. "Kill him?"

"Did I stutter?" says God. "Blasphemy is punishable by death. Everyone gather around and grab a stone. Aim for the head."

"Oh my God... I can't believe this," says Aaron under his breath, looking away.

"What?" asks God.

"Oh... I said, 'Where's my rod... I'm going to need it,'" says Aaron.

"Mmmm hmm."

After the stoning is done and the guy is dead in a bloody heap on the ground, God continues. "Anyone who kills someone else shall be put to death. And if you poke out someone's eye, they get to poke your out. And if you knock out someone's tooth, they get to knock yours out too. And if you kill someone's animal you have to pay for it."

Aaron leans over to Moses and whispers, "Are you sure about this?"

"Shhh... land of milk and honey, remember?" he replies. "We gotta take our chances."

"Listen up!" yells God. "When we get to where I'm going, you'll work and harvest for six years. But in the seventh year, you won't sow or harvest anything."

"What will we eat?" asks Aaron.

"The land will provide enough for you to eat," says God. "After six years everything should be pretty well-established and will be able to grow on its own for a year. It's not a miracle or anything. And every fiftieth year it will be a Jubilee year that you spend with your family. If anyone has sold their land because they needed the money, that land gets returned to them on that year. That way no one person gets too much wealth and power over their poorer neighbors."

"That sounds like... SOCIALISM!" says Aaron.

"What's socialism?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I don't really know," says Aaron. "I just heard someone else say it."

"If someone has sold land and then is able to buy it back, they can do it sooner. But regardless, they will get it back at the Jubilee," says God. "The only exception would be land in a walled city. You only have a year to buy it back and that doesn't get returned at the Jubilee. But any unwalled villages or fields get returned to their original owners or face my wrath."

"You also need to support your poor neighbors, as long as they're Israeli" God continues. "Let them live with you. Don't charge him interest on loans and don't charge him for any food you give him. He can work for you in exchange for food, but at the Jubilee they get to go home to their own land. Any non-Israelis can be bought and sold as slaves."

God sighs. "Let's see... what else... No idols... keep my Sabbath... observe all those commandments. Do all this and you'll be unstoppable and I'll bless you forever."

"Awesome," says Moses.

"BUT!" God continues, "Don't do these things and you will seriously regret it. You'll have panic attacks and hives and wasting disease and all kinds of heartache. You'll lose all your battles, I'll send wild animals to eat your babies, plagues and famine. And you'll be so hungry you'll eat your own children. I'll destroy all your cities and your children (the ones that haven't been eaten) will move away and they'll live in fear always unless they apologize for their sins and make amends."

"Oh, hey, is this where that 'atheists eat babies' joke comes from?" asks Aaron.

"Yeah, sure," says God. "And some people are worth more to me than others. And I should get a tenth of everything you produce. And them's the rules, folks."

"Great!" says Aaron. "Let's get on with this road trip."

"Oh, don't be hasty," says God. "I need a head count."