Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."