Leviticus 15 - 17: Festering Sores and Telling Your Sins to a Goat

"Now," says God, "About oozing sores..."

"Dude!" cries Aaron, gagging. "Can't we just assume they're unclean?"

Moses nods in agreement. "Yeah, I think that just goes without saying."

Seriously, it's just gross.

"Ok, but everything he touches is unclean too... beds and furniture and saddles pot and pans," says God. "And anyone who touches the stuff is unclean and needs to take a bath. And if the unclean person spits on a clean person..."

"Really?" says Moses. "That happens so often that we need a specific rule about unclean people spitting on clean people? With all the other bazillion rules we have so far, can't we just have a general one that says 'no spitting'?"

God sighs. "No. I'm not making a general 'no spitting' rule. Anyhow, if the person's pus clears up and the ooze is gone for seven days, then they can take a bath and do some laundry and have the priest sacrifice some birds for a sin offering and a burnt offering. And if the man has an emission of semen he should take a bath and do laundry and be unclean until evening."

"I can't believe we are talking about this!" yells Aaron. "Of course he's going to do laundry. Who wants to walk around with his clothes all crusty?"

"And if a man lies with a woman they have to wash themselves after and be unclean until evening."

"Oh, that's my favorite kind of unclean," says Moses, nudging Aaron and winking.

"I know, right!" says Aaron, laughing and punching Moses in the shoulder.

"Both of you stop it!" yells God. "What are you? Twelve? When a woman has her period, she's unclean, plus anything she sits on is too, and if you touch it you have to take a bath. And if you have sex with her, then you're unclean for seven days!"

"Not a problem," Moses giggles. "It's a good thing we all have more than one wife and concubines and everything, eh?"

"You guys are a pain in my ass!" says God. "I'm making another rule so you have to atone for your sins and childish behavior. Aaron, remember how I killed your sons for coming near me?"

"No," says Aaron. "But I clearly remember you killing my sons for burning incense..."

He's also Nightcrawler's father...

"Yeah, burning incense near me. So now every year on the tenth day of the seventh month you need to do a sin offering and a burnt offering and dress in your linens. Then you have to take two goats and cast lots over them... one of the goats is for me, and the other is for Azazel," says God. "My goat gets sacrificed.  Take the other goat and put your hands on its head and tell it all your sins... everything that you and all of the people have done wrong.  That goat gets run out of camp into the wilderness as a scapegoat to carry your sins to Azazel."

"Wait... Azazel? Who is that?" asks Aaron.

"He's really bad news," says God.

"Gee... Can you tell us more about him?" says Moses.

"No," says God. "I'm not even going to mention him by name ever again after this. So go sacrifice a bunch of sin offerings and burnt offerings like I told you before, and set that other goat free after you confess everyone's sins over it. You have to do this Day of Atonement every year, in the seventh month on the tenth day."

"Furthermore," he adds, "anyone that kills an ox or a goat or a lamb and doesn't offer it to me is guilty of bloodguilt and will be cut off from his people! No more sacrificing animals in the fields and offering them to other gods! All your animals are belong to me! And no eating blood! It's mine for splashing around!"

"Yeah I still think that's really weird, but if that's what you want, you got it," says Moses. "You're the boss."

"You got that right," says God.