Leviticus 12 - 14: Dealing with Girl Cooties and Leprosy

"Speaking of unclean," says God, "having babies is a messy business. Really gross. So when a woman has a baby, she'll be unclean for a while. If she has a boy, she'll be unclean for seven days. On the eighth day that boy needs to be circumcised. Then she'll be unclean for another 33 days. Even worse for a girl... she'll be unclean for 2 weeks, then another 66 days. Then at the end of that she'll have to bring a lamb for a burnt offering and then some birds for a sin offering. The priest will burn those up and she'll be clean."

"And then we can... you know..." Moses asks, embarrassed.

"Yeah," says God. "Let's change the subject.  I have a lot to say about leprosy. Aaron! Come over here! You need to know this stuff."

Aaron comes back over and sits to learn the latest medical information on leprosy.

"Once in a while someone will have a spot on their skin. If the hair on the spot is white and the spot is more than skin deep, then it's leprosy. If the hair isn't white or the spot is just skin deep, make that person stay at home for a week, then look at it again. If it hasn't spread, shut that person up for another seven days and look at it again. If it's faded, it's ok.... that person can go have a bath and they're clean. But if it spreads, it's leprosy!"

"EW!" says Aaron. "Why do I have to do this?"

That's just loss of skin pigmentation.  No problem.

"Because I haven't invented medical schools yet," says God. "This is the best we can do at this point. If the person has leprosy and is all white from head to toe, he's clean. But if there are any raw spots or swelling, that person is unclean. Examine any boils or burns or disease on the head or beard or any itchy, cruddy stuff on peoples' heads. If it's just dull white on their skin, it's just leukoderma. That's clean."

(Seriously, my Bible says leukoderma. Other versions say eczema, "harmless rash," freckled spot, tetter, blemish, or other sorts of harmless things.)

"What if their hair falls out?" asks Aaron, running his fingers through his own thinning hair.

"Some people lose their hair as they get older," says God. "So unless there's a sore or white skin there, it's just someone going bald."

"Whew," sighs Aaron.

"When you find someone who is leprous, they need to wear ripped clothes and let their hair hang down and cover their upper lip. They have to live alone outside of the camp and when they walk around, they have to yell, 'Unclean! Unclean!' to warn everyone around them."

God continues, "If there's leprosy on some clothes..."

"Wait, what?" asks Aaron. "Leprosy on clothes?"

"Yeah. You know... green or red stuff growing on clothes."

"I think that's mold," says Aaron.

"NO!" yells God. "It could be leprosy! You have to shut the clothes up in a room and then look at it after a week and see if it spreads! If it spreads, burn it! If it doesn't, then wash it, shut it up again for another seven days and look at it again. If it spreads or stays the same, burn it. But if it's faded, rip the moldy part out, and watch it some more. If it's gone then it's ok and someone can wear it."

"But," says Aaron, "now it has a hole in it."

"Let the lepers wear it then," says God.

"Well then why bother checking to see if it has leprosy in it if the lepers are just going to wear it anyway?" Aaron asks.

YIKES!

"Stop asking questions," says God. "If a leper's disease goes away, you have to go and look at it to confirm that it's gone. Then the leper has to kill a bird and drain the blood into a bowl of water. Then take another live bird and dip it in the bloody water and use the freaked out, flapping bird to splatter the blood on the leper."

"That's horrible!" cries Aaron.

"Leprosy is serious stuff," replies God. "But then you can let the bird go, so it's not too bad. Then the leper has to take a bath, and after a week shave all the hair off his body and take another bath. Then kill a couple of lambs, some oil and grain and do a guilt offering, sin offering, and burnt offering. Dab the blood around and the oil goes on his head. If he's poor and can't afford so many lambs, he can substitute other things."

"If there's red or green leprous spots in the walls of a house..."

"Leprosy in the walls?"

"YES!" yells God. "Leprosy can be in walls. Shut the house up for seven days and go look at it again. If it's spread, gut the house and throw any affected rocks and plaster out of the camp. If the house gets it again after it's been repaired, the whole thing needs to be torn down. But if it seems to be gone, do the whole bird cleansing routine and the house is clean."

"Ok is that all the gross stuff I need to know about?" asks Aaron.

"Oh no!" says God. "Next we'll discuss bodily discharges."

"Lovely," says Aaron.