Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Genesis Chapters 20 - 22: You say you love me. Now prove it.

Abraham and Sarah pack up again and travel to Gerar. Again, Abraham tells Sarah to pretend she's his sister. And yet again, the king comes and takes Sarah away (because 90 year old women are totally hot). Before the king does anything with her, God comes to him and lets him in on the truth that Sarah is married to Abraham and suggests he return her to Abraham. Or sleep with her and die. His choice.

The king calls Abraham over and tells him he knows that Sarah's his wife and asks, "Why did you tell me that she's your sister?"

"Because this is a godless place and I thought you'd kill me so you could take her for your own. And besides..."

*drum roll*

"She is my half sister from my father."

In the same way that this worked out pretty well for Abraham in Egypt, he benefits again. The king gives him oxen and sheep and male and female slaves, and 1000 silver pieces, calls the whole thing even, and tells them they are welcomed to stay as long as they would like.

Just as God promised, Sarah gives birth to Isaac. There is much rejoicing. But Sarah doesn't like Hagar and Ishmael hanging around enjoying the festivities, so she tells Abraham to kick them out. He's a little disappointed, but God says to do it too. Abraham gives her some provisions and sends her off to wander the forests. God protects them and they survive.

The king and Abraham have a disagreement about a well, but they get it settled, and then the king goes back home anyway.

A while passes and God decides to put Abraham to the ultimate test. He tells Abraham to take his only son and BURN him as an offering to God.  Alright technically it's not his only son... he kicked the first one out to wander the wilderness with his mother. But I digress.

Abraham has questioned God in the past. He asked for proof that this land would belong to his descendants forever. He laughed when he was told Sarah would get pregnant. He questioned God's decision to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and negotiated terms for destruction of the cities.

But this request to kill and burn his son inexplicably goes completely unchallenged.

No.  To this, Abraham says, "Hey Isaac! Wanna go for a donkey ride? C'mon! Let's go!"

They ride off with a couple of servants and a pile of wood so they can have a nice sacrificial fire. They ride for a few days and come to a good spot. He tells the servants, "You guys wait here by this rock with the donkey. We're going to go... pray... over there behind those bushes. You stay here no matter what you hear. No peeking. I mean it."

Right about now Isaac notices that something is up and asks, "Hey Dad... we brought wood for the burnt offering but didn't we forget the lamb?"

"Oh... yeah... Um. God will have a lamb waiting for us when we get there!"

"Wow, Dad! God sure is terrific!"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's a heck of a guy..."

He builds and altar, piles the wood up, then ties up his son and tosses the kid up on top. He is JUST about to slit his son's throat when God yells out, "DUDE! STOP!"

"God, you scared me! What?"

"Don't kill your son. Seriously, I just wanted to see if you actually would do it. Here. Burn this goat instead." 

Abraham looks over and there's a goat with its horns stuck in a shrub. Abraham burns the goat instead of his son and names this place, "The Lord will provide." I can think of a lot of other names for this place, like, "The place where the Lord messed with my head." Or "The spot where my child was scarred for life."

God's love and trust is not unconditional.

God again blesses Abraham and tells him again that his offspring will be numerous and powerful and blessed because he obeyed his voice. He also informs him that his brother Nahor has had eight children with his wife and four more kids with his concubine.

Sarah lives to be 127 and dies in Hebron. Abraham asks the locals for a place to bury her and Ephron offers a nice cave to the east of Hebron. Abraham asks, "How much?"

Ephron answers, "Aw, just take it. It's fine."

"No, really. I insist. How much?"

"It's worth 400 shekels of silver but seriously, you can have it for free."

Abraham give him the money and buys the cave and the field and the nice trees all around it and buries Sarah there.

Genesis Chapters 15 - 19: Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash

This is one of the parts that makes me say WTF.  It's got a bit of everything...  forced sexual encounters, abuse of a slave, drunken incest...  I really should get a children's bible to see how this gets explained to kids...

I know I don't have many followers or anything, but maybe someone will get the Pogues reference.

God blesses Abram and tells him that his descendents will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Abram reminds God that he and his wife have no children. God tells him not to worry, he'll take care of it.

Abram wants some proof that this land will be his forever. God tells him to bring him a cow, a goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a pigeon. Abram does this and splits the cow, goat, and ram in half and then lays the halves back over themselves and then sits back to receive a message. He waits and waits, then falls asleep and has a hideous dream. God tells him that his people will be slaves in a foreign land for 400 years, but that he will get them out and bring them back.

No, really, it's fine...

In the meantime, Sarai gets tired of waiting for kids, so she tells Abram to get her Egyptian slave Hagar pregnant. Abram does this and Hagar gets all "neener neener neener" because she's having a baby and Sarai's not. And Sarai's probably a tad jealous too, seeing that maybe this wasn't what she wanted after all. She complains to Abram, who tells her that it's her problem to deal with.

Sarai mistreats Hagar, abuses her, and is so utterly horrible to her that Hagar runs away. One of God's angels catches up to her and tells her to get her butt back to camp, but promises her that God will multiply her offspring. He says that this son, Ishmael, will be a "wild donkey of a man" and he'll fight with everyone and everyone will fight with him. Basically, Ishmael will be an ass.

After Ishmael is born, when Abram is 99, God again tells Abram that he's going to multiply him greatly. He renames him Abraham which means "father of nations," and changes Sarai's name to Sarah. Then he tells him that to mark this covenant, every male of the household, including purchased foreign slaves, must be circumcised. Any one who isn't gets banished.

God tells him that Sarah will have a child. Abraham has the nerve to laugh to himself at the thought, considering that he's 99 and Sarah is 90. But God says it will happen and that their next son Issac will be born in a year.

When they're done talking, it's circumcision time.

Shortly after, Abraham is sitting in the door of his tent and God appears to him as three men. Abraham invites them for snacks and foot baths. He makes them veal and bread and cheese curds and they sit under a tree for a picnic. Sarah is in the tent, but listening from the door, and when she overhears them say that she will have a child in a year, she laughs to herself at the thought. God hears this and asks why she laughed. She totally denies that she ever did but God calls her on it.

So the angels go on their way, and Abraham walks with them to show them out. They tell him that they are going to check out Sodom and Gomorrah because they've gotten some reports that things are not really going well over there.

Abraham asks him not to wipe out the whole city just for the sins of a few. He asks, "If there are fifty righteous people there will you wipe it out?"

God says, "Alright fine. If there are fifty righteous people there, I'll spare the whole place."

Abraham asks, "Well.... what if there are only 45?"

God says, "Sure. Forty-five."

"What about forty?"

"Sigh... ok forty."

"Thirty?"

"What? Really? Ok, thirty... is there anything else?"

"Twenty?"

"You are seriously pushing your luck, but ok.... twenty."

"Ummm.... ten?"

"Oh for crying out loud, FINE! TEN! But that's IT! Now get out of my way!"

The two angels (Two? Maybe the third had other plans?) get to Sodom and find Lot sitting there. Lot offers snacks and foot baths. They try to get out of it so they can go to the town square, plus they'd just had snacks and foot baths at Abraham's place.  But Lot insists.

Right at bedtime, the men of the town come knocking and want Lot to send the two men out so that they can "know" them. This isn't a social call as in, "Hey, lets go out and have a few beers and chat and get to know each other." This is down and dirty biblical knowing.

"Hey, why don't you two girls go see who's at the door?"

Lot is horrified at his town's attempt to rape his angelic house guests. He goes out to try to reason with them and in an attempt to appease the masses, he offers up his two virgin daughters instead.

The townsfolk would rather rape angels than Lot's virgin daughters, and they try to break down the door. The angels pull Lot back inside and strike the townsfolk blind, then tell Lot to gather up his family and get out because they're going to open up a half ton of hurt on this town.

Lot tries to convince his daughters' fiances that they need to beat feet out of the city. But they don't believe him. It could also be that they're a little angry that Lot had offered their future wives up for a mass raping.

So Lot and his wife and his two daughters are ushered out of the city and told not to look back. The angels tell them to go to the hills. Lot looks across the valley and says, "Hills? *sigh* So hard to walk up hills... But how about that little village down there? It's much closer..."

"FINE! Go to that village! Just get out! Why are you people always arguing with me all of a sudden?"

Sodom and Gomorrah get wiped out with sulfur and fire, but Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Abraham stands on a hill and sees the destruction.

Lot decides that maybe the hills were a better choice than this little village, so he goes up there with his daughters to live in a cave. His daughters come up with a scheme to get their dad drunk, have sex with him without him noticing, and have babies. Both end up having children by their father.

Genesis Chapters 4 - 5: God Hates Fruit

Adam and Eve settle down and have a couple kids.  Cain, the oldest, grows up to be a farmer.  Abel, the second, grows up to be a shepherd.

Squee!

Cain brings God an offering of fruit that he grew.  God says, “Oh…. A fruit basket.  Um, thanks… I guess…”

Abel brings God the firstborn of the flock.  God says, “OH MY SELF!  How cute is that!  Thank you so much!  You’re the best!”

You can see how Cain might not take this well, especially since he’s the firstborn son (firstborn son is kind of a big deal back then).  God tells him if he would just do well he’d be accepted, but that if he doesn’t do well then he’ll be consumed by sin.  Some interpretations say that Cain didn’t really give his gift with faith or that his gift was sort of a half-hearted afterthought while Abel gave the very best that he had.  But he was a farmer…  Farmers work pretty hard.

Cain isn’t happy with what God has said.  He first talks to his brother, then kills him in a jealous rage. 

Sin now has won over 3 out of the 4 people introduced in this story so far, and the fourth person is dead.  We’re not off to a promising start.

God asks, “Hey… where’s that brother of yours?”

Cain shrugs his shoulders.  “It wasn’t my day to watch him.”

God realizes what’s happened and banishes Cain to a life of a fugitive and a wanderer, cursing him so that the ground will not yield anything up to him any more.  Cain’s a bit worried that whoever finds him will kill him, though at this point the population of the earth is sparse enough that he could probably evade capture.  God reassures him at least that if he gets killed, the person that kills him will get it back seven times worse.  He marks Cain so that everyone who meets him on the road will know not to mess with him and sends him on his way.

Cain, by the way, has a wife.  Who is she?  Cain’s wife was even brought up at the Scopes Trial.  It was probably a sister or some other relation.  This is banned later, but at this point, there’s not a lot of choice.  God did start us off with only two people and told them to go forth and multiply.

Answers in Genesis has a diagram to illustrate:

Just wait til we get to Leviticus.... it's awesome.

Cain and his wife have some kids.  He also builds a city, which is pretty good for someone who was supposedly doomed to be a “wanderer on the earth.”  A few generations go by and his great-great-great grandson Lamech has two wives.  Lamech kills someone for striking him and he tells his two wives that since Cain’s revenge was sevenfold, the revenge for killing Lamech is 77 times worse.  It doesn’t seem like God told him this.  He just claims it.

Adam and Eve have another son named Seth and other sons and daughters.  Lots of them… Adam lives to be 930 years old.  There’s a list of Adam’s descendents all the way up to Noah, and they all live between 365 and 969 years.  Noah descended from Adam’s son Seth, and is Adam’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson.