Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Leviticus 8 - 10: Want to be a priest? Burn more animals! Also - Urim and Thummim

"Alright, lets get Aaron and his sons all priestly," says God. "I kind of went over how to do all this back in Exodus, but I tend to repeat myself, so I'm going to tell you all of it again. Maybe I'll change some stuff too."

"They all need to get bathed and dressed all up in their robes and magical underwear (oh you thought that was just for Mormons, right?). And in the breastplate, place the Urim and Thummim."

Wait... the what? I seem to have totally missed these things that were mentioned in Exodus 28:30. What are they? I did a bit of digging and it's interesting enough to pause here and talk about these.

There's a few mentions of the Urim and Thummim in the bible, but not a lot of explanation. The first was Exodus 28:30 where it just says to set them in the Breastpiece of Judgment: "in the breastpiece of judgment you shall put the Urim and the Thummim, and they shall be on Aaron's heart, when he goes in before the LORD. Thus Aaron shall bear the judgment of the people of Israel on his heart before the LORD regularly." He's bearing the judgment of the people on his heart, so they seem to have something to do with judging.

They are mentioned here in Leviticus in the same context. They are set in the breastplate.

Spoiler alert! We'll come upon these things later, in 1 Samuel 14:41 where Saul will use them to ask God a question: "Therefore Saul said, 'O Lord God of Israel, why have you not answered your servant this day? If this guilt is in me or in Jonathan my son, O Lord, God of Israel, give Urim. But if this guilt is in your people Israel, give Thummim.' And Jonathan and Saul were taken, but the people escaped." They then cast lots between the two of them to determine who is guilty. They are also mentioned in passing in Numbers and Deuteronomy, and again mentioned in Ezra and Nehemiah, much later in the Bible. 

Very interestingly, they are also used by Joseph Smith Jr. in translating the Book of Mormon. Moroni the angel tells him about golden plates containing the Urim and Thummim to assist in understanding God's word. Christians, for some reason that I cannot figure, think this is ridiculous.

Is this God's coin toss? God's Magic 8 Ball? Divination based on a roll of the dice? I remember as a kid pretending I could tell the future or the truth by looking at mud splatters in a bucket or using sticks and rocks as rune stones. This seems similar.

Back to our story.

Moses takes Aaron and his sons to the tabernacle, along with a bull, a couple of nice looking rams, and some unleavened bread. He washes them, dresses them up in the clothes, and anoints them and the altar and utensils and the tabernacle with oil. He kills the bull as a sin offering and pours the blood all over the place and burns the fat from it, then drags the rest out of the camp and burns it out there.

Then they kill a ram for a burnt offering, and God is totally happy about the smell of roasting goat.

Then they kill the ram of ordination. Moses takes some of the blood and dabs it on the priests' right ear lobes, right thumbs, and right big toes, then throws the rest of the blood on the side of the altar in a big splashy mess. He gives Aaron the fatty parts, the right thigh, and some unleavened bread. Aaron waves it around for a bit. Moses takes it back and burns it, and again, God is thrilled by the smell of burning fat and flesh.

Moses anoints the priests' garments with more oil and tells them to boil the rest of the flesh by the door of the tent and to eat it and the leftover unleavened bread, then burn all the leftovers. "Don't leave the tent for seven days," he tells them. "You have to stay right here at the entrance of the tent so you don't die!"

"Oh that makes perfect sense," says Aaron.

On the eighth day, Moses tells Aaron the do another sin offering, another burnt offering, and tells him to tell the people to burn up a TON of goats and calves and lambs and oxen and rams and grain and oil.

Aaron does his sin offering and burnt offering without a hitch. He does the sin offering for the people, the burnt offerings and the peace offerings, and all goes swimmingly. He blesses the people and the fire of God comes down from heaven and consumes the offerings, to much ooo-ing and ahh-ing of the crowd.

Aaron is absolutely rocking this priest gig.

Just when everything is going so well, two of Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide that they can do better. They put some incense in a censer and wave it around.

ZAP!!!!! God strikes them dead with fire from the sky.

Moses calls for a clean up crew and they carry Nadab and Abihu out of the camp.

"Carry on," says Moses.

Exodus 33 - 40: Moses and God Smooth Things Over and Move On

God says to Moses, "You've spent enough time here and everyone has caused a lot of trouble. Get going to that land I'm giving you. But I'm not going with you myself. I'm so angry that I could just spit and I'm honestly afraid that I might do something stupid like wipe you all out. I'm sending an angel to guide you instead."

"Aw, c'mon," say the people. "Come with us. We're sorry..."

"I need a break," says God. "And NO JEWELRY! This is a pilgrimage, not a fashion show."

Moses pitches his tent outside the camp and calls it the Tent of Meeting. Whenever he goes inside, the big funnel cloud descends from the sky and God talks to Moses. The people would get up and watch the giant pillar of cloud from their own tent doors and worship it.

Moses sighs. "God," he says, "I'm not getting all the information I need here. You tell me to bring the people out of Egypt, but you're not leading us yourself. You tell me I've found favor in your sight, but you don't tell me anything about your decision making process. These are your people you're entrusting me with, so consider that."

"My presence will be with you as you travel," God replies.  "You'll have an angel."

"See, but we really need you with us. It makes us special and distinguishes us from all the other people," says Moses.

"Yeah, you're right," says God. "I'll do as you say since you are my favorite and the only person that I really feel like I can talk to."

"Prove it," says Moses. "Show me your glory." (As if everything that God's done for him up until now is not enough.)

"I'll travel with you, but you can't see my face or you'll die."

"But didn't we all have dinner a couple month back on Mt. Sinai? I saw you then."

"Shh," says God. "How about this... go stand in that crack in that rock. Then I'll walk by but I'll block your view of my face."

God tells Moses to cut two stone tables like the ones he threw on the ground in his temper tantrum over the golden calf. "Carry those up the mountain," God says. "And come alone."

Moses goes up the mountain and God tells him that while he is gracious, merciful, loving and forgiving and also slow to anger (really???), that guilt for sins will follow their people through the fourth generation, essentially setting up everyone for lifetimes of guilt and doom.

"I see that I've found favor in your sight," says Moses. "Please... lead on."

God reminds Moses that they're his favorite people and that they're going to a land of milk and honey, but reminds him again of all the rules regarding worshiping other gods, keeping the feasts, not working on the seventh day, leavened bread, etc. He's again up there for 40 days and 40 nights, re-carving the tablets with the Ten Commandments.

The future's looking brighter already!

When Moses comes back down, there's no debauchery, no golden calf, no dancing or parties or nakedness. The people behaved. But everyone looks at him and is terrified because he's all shiny and glowing from talking to God.

"Get over here!" says Moses. Everyone comes over and he tells them again everything that God said. But then he puts a veil over his face because it's probably pretty distracting to everyone. He only takes it off to talk to God.

Everyone gets around to finally building all the stuff that God told them to make. Moses does warn them though that they need to take a break on the seventh day. If they work on that day they will die. The people all contribute the materials needed and Moses lays out the plans and delegates the work load. The tabernacle, the ark, the table, the lampstand, the altars for incense and burnt offerings, the bronze basin, the courtyard, and Aaron's and his sons' priestly robes were all made and blessed as per instructions.

"Excellent!" says God, steepling his fingers together. "So on the first day of the month, set all this up and anoint and consecrate the whole thing."

Moses does this, and the pillar of cloud comes down and fills the tabernacle with the glory of the lord. So much glory that Moses can't even enter.

Throughout their journey from now on, the cloud over the tabernacle signals when it is time to move on. When the cloud is there, they stay. When the cloud lifts, they pack up and move.

Exodus 16 - 18: You'll Eat It and You'll Like It

So they walk. And they walk more.

They start to run low on food, and again, the people turn to Moses and said, "You brought us out here to die! This is all your fault!"

Moses asks God what to do and he tells him, "Alright I'll make bread come down from the sky. Everyone needs to go and get a day's worth every morning. And on the sixth day, get enough for two days."

Moses tells this to the people and adds, "Guys, I'm not really in charge here. God is. So if you're complaining against me, your really complaining against him. So watch your mouth, ok?"

That evening God sends a ton of quail and they have a lovely quail roast for dinner.

In the morning, when the dew evaporates, there's powdery white stuff on the ground. It looks like coriander, but tastes like honey wafers. But still, it's white stuff on the ground and not what people would usually think of as food.

The people look at it suspiciously. "What the heck is this?"

"Oh, that's manna," says Moses. "Eat up. But don't leave any of it on the ground."

The people took some of it but left some on the ground, and as the day wore on it grew worms and stank.

"Folks," Moses says, "You really, really need to follow directions here. You're starting to piss me off."

On the sixth day he reminds them to gather what they need for the seventh day, and prepare it so that they won't have to do anything on the seventh day. "This seventh day is a Sabbath," says Moses. "No working. None. Really important."

Regardless, on the seventh day the people went out to look for the food. And God yelled at Moses, "Your people are really horrible at listening. I told you to tell them to not work today!"

"I know! I know! I'm trying, I swear."

Aaron put some manna in a jar and put it on the altar as a souvenir and reminder of their journey. The people ate manna for 40 years. It's like God's People Chow.

So they walk. And they walk some more.

They run out of water and the people start to complain again. "You brought us out here to die! This is all your fault!"

"I told you to quit complaining!" says Moses. "But let me check."

"God," he says, "They're ready to stone me. I need water, now."

"See that big rock over there? Go whack it with your staff and water will come out of it."

Moses whacks the rock and everyone gets a drink. Problem solved.

While they were there, Amalek (a band of wandering nomads, possibly one of Esau's grandsons) attacks them. Moses gives orders, "Get some people to fight. Aaron, Hur, and I going to go stand on that hill over there with my magic God stick."

Sadly, there is no Guinness Record for holding your arms up

The Israelis fight while Moses watches. Moses raises his stick and Israel starts winning. He lowers his stick and the Amalekites start winning. He does this for a while. At first it's kind of fun but then his arms get tired. So Moses sits down on a rock and Aaron and Hur hold his arms up for him until they win the battle.

God says, "Write this story down and we'll blot out the memory of Amalek forever."

"Wait, how is writing if down going to blot out the memory of Amalek? Wouldn't that work better if we didn't write it down? Besides, my arms are tired."

"Stop asking questions!"

Moses builds an altar and says, "The Lord will have war with Amalek forever and ever, throughout our generations!" (Which isn't exactly blotting out anyone's memory either.)

At some point that isn't entirely clear, Moses's wife Zipporah took their two sons and went back to her father, Jethro. But Jethro hears all about Moses's successes getting the people out of Egypt and he and Zipporah and the boys travel out to meet him. They spend some time catching up and sacrifice some burnt offerings and eat manna.

In the morning Moses sat to deal out judgements to the people. Jethro says, "That's a big job for one person. Why are you doing this all alone?"

"God told me to," says Moses. "People have a conflict or a question and they come to me and ask what God wants and I help them sort it out."

"That's ridiculous!" says Jethro. "You should find some trustworthy men, teach them the statutes and God's word, and then let them be representatives. They can decide all the silly trivial stuff and you just handle the big important things."

"That's a GREAT idea!" says Moses. So he sets up a system of representatives to lighten the burden of all the judging. Jethro stays for a while and then goes home.

Exodus 5 - 11: Let Us Go, Or Else!

Note:  Sorry this is so long, but it just all goes together...

Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and ask if they could all take a three-day trek into the wilderness for a sacrifice and feast.

Pharaoh says, "HA! Get back to work. Know what? Work just got harder. We're not going to give you straw for your bricks anymore. Get your own damn straw. Oh, but we still need just as many bricks. Hop to it. Those pyramids don't build themselves yanno."

They start gathering straw and complain, "This sucks. Why are you doing this to us?"

Pharaoh answers, "Hey, you have time for feasts, you have time to get straw."

Moses says to God, "I told you this wasn't going to be easy. You're mean to us."

"Now, now," says God. "Not so fast. I'm listening, and I'll get you out. Patience. Go tell him to let you go."

"Sigh, fine, but I don't know why he's going to listen to me. I'm not even circumcised."

"Hey, don't worry. I'll tell you what to say. But no, it's not going to be easy. He's not going to let you go. I thought I told you that. So when you go in, show them that trick where you turn the staff into a snake."

Moses and Aaron go in to Pharaoh and ask him to let them go. Aaron tosses his staff down and it turns into a snake.

"Cool trick," says Pharaoh, summoning his court magicians. They all toss their staffs down and they turn into snakes too. But Aaron's snake eats all their snakes.

"Yeah, know what?" says Pharaoh. "Get back to work. And you owe us all staffs."

"Ok, ok," says God to Moses as he's leaving the Pharaoh's house. "Time for plan B." And he whispers the plan.

The next morning Moses goes out to the Nile while Pharaoh is there washing up. He reaches out his staff and touches it to the water and all the water turns to blood, all the fish die, and the water is undrinkable.

"Take that," says Moses.

"Big deal... my magicians can do that too," says Pharaoh.

Seven days later Moses visits Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or you'll be plagued with frogs!"

"Frogs?" says Pharaoh. "Whatever. Get back to work."

You think it's no big deal until they're all over the place.

Aaron stretches out his staff and the land is suddenly covered with frogs. But Pharaoh's magicians can do the same, so Pharaoh is not impressed.

But he is annoyed. "Alright, listen," he says, kicking a frog off his foot. "You get rid of these damn frogs and I'll let you guys go have your feast."

So Moses calls out to God and the frogs all die. They pile them all in big smelly heaps.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

So Aaron strikes the dust of the ground with his staff and causes a plague of gnats. The Pharaoh's magicians try to make gnats, but they don't know this trick. They suggest that maybe Pharaoh might want to take these guys a little seriously. Pharaoh says, "Meh. It's just gnats. Not like it's flies or locusts or anything."

Moses goes to Pharaoh the next day and says, "Let us go or I'll cover your people with flies." The next day all the Egyptians are plagued by flies.

Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron. "Hey, how about you guys hold your feast right here and get rid of these flies?"

"No can do," says Moses. "We need to go three days away for our sacrifices to be acceptable."

"Fine. Take your walk. But get rid of the flies."

Moses asks God to get rid of the flies and they all disappear.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

Moses tells Pharaoh, "If you don't let us go, all your animals will die tomorrow. But all ours will be ok."

"Yeah right," says Pharaoh, and the next day, all the Egyptian's animals die.

"You guys suck," says Pharaoh.

The next day God tells Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of ashes and throw them in the air. They do this and suddenly all the Egyptians are covered in boils.

"Not funny," says Pharaoh.

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring down a giant hail storm."

"Pttt, whatever," says Pharaoh and the next day the hail comes down and destroys trees and crops and kills everyone who is outside. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the hail and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the hail.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring locusts."

Pharaoh's servants plead, "This is getting just plain silly. Let them go."

"Fine," says Pharaoh. "The men can go have their feast."

"Oh no," says Moses. "We all have to go. Kids and wives too. It's a family thing."

"Screw that," says Pharaoh. "Just the men, or no feast."

BUGS!!!

So Moses brings down locusts on the Egyptians. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the locusts and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the locusts.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next day God tells Moses to bring on darkness. He raises his staff and everything becomes dark. After three days Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Ok, you can all go have your sacrifices and feast with your families, but leave your livestock here."

"No," says Moses. "We need all those. You know... for the burnt offerings. God likes those so we might need all our animals."

"No deal," says Pharaoh.

God pulls Moses aside. "Ok," he says. "Time to play hardball."

"Pharaoh," says Moses, "if you don't let us go, the firstborn of every Egyptian household will die, including firstborn slaves and cattle. But our people will be fine."

"Do your worst," says Pharaoh.

Exodus 1 - 4: Meet Moses

After a while a new Pharaoh comes to power. He looks around and says, "These Hebrews... they took our jobs!"

So they decide to give them all the really undesirable jobs and then not pay them. They went from well-off to slavery.

The Pharaoh also told all the midwives, "When the Hebrew women have children, kill all the boys." The midwives refused and when the Pharaoh asked why they told him, "They give birth really fast... by the time we get there, the baby's already been born." So the Pharaoh commanded all the boy Hebrew babies to be chucked into the Nile.

Levi's wife has a son and she hides him for a while, but hiding a squalling infant is no easy task. She builds him a little boat and puts him in the river. Pharaoh's daughter comes along and finds him, hires a nanny, and names the baby Moses.

Moses grows up. One day he is walking among his people to see how they are doing and he notices an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave. He looks around, doesn't see anyone watching, clubs him, and buries him in the sand.

The next day he's out for another walk and he sees two Hebrews fighting.

"Hey," he says, "What's going on here?"

"None of your business," one replies. "And anyway, what are you going to do, Killer? Murder us like you did that Egyptian? Yeah, we know what you did."

Moses realizes that word has gotten out, and Pharaoh has heard of it, so he flees to Midian. When he gets there, he sees the Midianite priest's seven daughters trying to draw water from a well. Some shepherds were harassing them and he runs them off and helps the ladies water their flock. They return home and tell their father about the nice Egyptian man that helped them. The priest, Jethro, invites him over for dinner, gives him one of his daughters to marry, and Moses stays with them.

God, in the meantime, sees how the Hebrews are being treated by the Egyptians and remembers that promise he'd made to bring these people back to Canaan. He thinks it's about time to make good on that.

While Moses is watching over his father-in-law's flock in Midian, he sees a bush on fire, but notices that the bush itself isn't really getting burned in the process.

"What the heck is that all about?" he says and walks over to investigate.  If this is an acacia tree (which are mentioned frequently in the Bible) it is interesting to note that this tree contains a very powerful hallucinogenic substance.

Duuuuuuude....

God calls to him, "MOSES!"

"Aaahh! I'm right here! No need to yell."

"Sorry. Take your shoes off and don't come any closer because this place is holy. This is God talking by the way. Not just some ordinary bush. The Hebrews have been crying to me and I see that this new Pharaoh has made you all into slaves. That won't do. I'm going to bring you all back up to your own land. I want you to go talk to Pharaoh and then I need you to lead them all out of here."

"Me? Why me?" says Moses.

"Oh, I'm totally going to help you," says God. "Don't worry."

"How am I going to get all these people to follow me? How on earth am I going to get them to believe me?"

"Seriously? You tell them that I AM GOD. They'll listen to that. Tell them that we're going home and that home will be awesome, all milk and honey and stuff. But listen,"God continues. "Pharaoh isn't just going to let you walk off. So I'm going to do a lot of really neat and scary stuff to them and convince him to let you out of here."

"God, I really don't think they're going to believe all that," says Moses. "I mean, I was raised by Egyptians. I'm kind of an outsider around here."

"Alright," says God. "Now for my first trick. Throw your staff on the ground."

"Um, ok?" Moses tosses his staff on the ground. BAM! It becomes a snake, and Moses freaks out and runs away.

"Moses get back here," says God. "Watch. Catch it by the tail, ok?"

Moses catches the tail and BAM! It becomes a staff again.

"Ohhh...."

"See," says God. "They'll believe you if you show them that one. Now let's try another one. Put your hand in your robe and then take it out."

Moses puts his hand in his robe and then draws it out again, only to see it's leprous.

Before Moses totally loses it, he says, "Ok now put your hand back in your robe." Moses does and when he takes it out, it's healed. God says, "Only do that one if they don't believe the snake trick, because the leprous sores trick might not win you many friends."

"God, I really don't want all this responsibility," says Moses, "and I suck at public speaking. Can't you pick someone else?"

"Fine," says God, who is getting a little aggravated. "Here comes your brother Aaron. I'll have him help you."

Moses says goodbye to Jethro and goes back down the Egypt with his wife and son. On the way, God reminds him to show Pharaoh the snake and leper miracles. And he tells him to relay the message that if he doesn't let the Hebrews go that God will kill his firstborn.  Moses's wife realizes that they totally forgot to circumcise one of their sons, so she does that on the trip.  They meet up with Aaron and Moses and Aaron talk to the people of Israel and they believe them.