Exodus 33 - 40: Moses and God Smooth Things Over and Move On

God says to Moses, "You've spent enough time here and everyone has caused a lot of trouble. Get going to that land I'm giving you. But I'm not going with you myself. I'm so angry that I could just spit and I'm honestly afraid that I might do something stupid like wipe you all out. I'm sending an angel to guide you instead."

"Aw, c'mon," say the people. "Come with us. We're sorry..."

"I need a break," says God. "And NO JEWELRY! This is a pilgrimage, not a fashion show."

Moses pitches his tent outside the camp and calls it the Tent of Meeting. Whenever he goes inside, the big funnel cloud descends from the sky and God talks to Moses. The people would get up and watch the giant pillar of cloud from their own tent doors and worship it.

Moses sighs. "God," he says, "I'm not getting all the information I need here. You tell me to bring the people out of Egypt, but you're not leading us yourself. You tell me I've found favor in your sight, but you don't tell me anything about your decision making process. These are your people you're entrusting me with, so consider that."

"My presence will be with you as you travel," God replies.  "You'll have an angel."

"See, but we really need you with us. It makes us special and distinguishes us from all the other people," says Moses.

"Yeah, you're right," says God. "I'll do as you say since you are my favorite and the only person that I really feel like I can talk to."

"Prove it," says Moses. "Show me your glory." (As if everything that God's done for him up until now is not enough.)

"I'll travel with you, but you can't see my face or you'll die."

"But didn't we all have dinner a couple month back on Mt. Sinai? I saw you then."

"Shh," says God. "How about this... go stand in that crack in that rock. Then I'll walk by but I'll block your view of my face."

God tells Moses to cut two stone tables like the ones he threw on the ground in his temper tantrum over the golden calf. "Carry those up the mountain," God says. "And come alone."

Moses goes up the mountain and God tells him that while he is gracious, merciful, loving and forgiving and also slow to anger (really???), that guilt for sins will follow their people through the fourth generation, essentially setting up everyone for lifetimes of guilt and doom.

"I see that I've found favor in your sight," says Moses. "Please... lead on."

God reminds Moses that they're his favorite people and that they're going to a land of milk and honey, but reminds him again of all the rules regarding worshiping other gods, keeping the feasts, not working on the seventh day, leavened bread, etc. He's again up there for 40 days and 40 nights, re-carving the tablets with the Ten Commandments.

The future's looking brighter already!

When Moses comes back down, there's no debauchery, no golden calf, no dancing or parties or nakedness. The people behaved. But everyone looks at him and is terrified because he's all shiny and glowing from talking to God.

"Get over here!" says Moses. Everyone comes over and he tells them again everything that God said. But then he puts a veil over his face because it's probably pretty distracting to everyone. He only takes it off to talk to God.

Everyone gets around to finally building all the stuff that God told them to make. Moses does warn them though that they need to take a break on the seventh day. If they work on that day they will die. The people all contribute the materials needed and Moses lays out the plans and delegates the work load. The tabernacle, the ark, the table, the lampstand, the altars for incense and burnt offerings, the bronze basin, the courtyard, and Aaron's and his sons' priestly robes were all made and blessed as per instructions.

"Excellent!" says God, steepling his fingers together. "So on the first day of the month, set all this up and anoint and consecrate the whole thing."

Moses does this, and the pillar of cloud comes down and fills the tabernacle with the glory of the lord. So much glory that Moses can't even enter.

Throughout their journey from now on, the cloud over the tabernacle signals when it is time to move on. When the cloud is there, they stay. When the cloud lifts, they pack up and move.

Genesis Chapters 6 - 9: God Starts Over and Noah Gets Trashed

God sees that the people that he made had gotten a bit out of control. They run amok and behave badly. He regrets making them at all and decides that in 120 years, he's just going to wipe it all out.

But he likes Noah. Noah and his family are ok. It's just the rest of humanity that sucks.

God tells Noah to build a boat, 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, 30 cubits tall. A cubit is about 18" so this ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet tall.

Someone in the Netherlands built one. It's even seaworthy.

He tells Noah he's going to wipe out everything on the earth, but he should bring his wife, his sons, and his sons' wives, along with the animals. He's supposed to bring seven pairs of all the clean animals, seven pairs of each kind of bird, and one pair of each unclean animal, plus enough food for everyone.

How'd he fit them all in there? It would be tight. There are a lot of people who think it could work, depending on how you define "kind" of animal. If you bring one "horse-like" animal that could cover all the zebras, horses, ponies, donkeys, etc., that would keep the numbers down. But they'd need to evolve into different species pretty quickly after the flood because fairly soon afterward there is mention of horses and donkeys.  

But they need a full year's worth of food for all of them, too.  A single wild African elephant eats between 220 to 440 pounds of vegetation a day.

Shortly after Noah's 600th birthday, the flood starts. It rains 40 days and 40 nights. It covers the mountain tops by about 22 feet. For this to happen, there would have to be five times the amount of water that's currently on the earth. 

Then God blows a wind and makes the water recede. After 5 months, the ark grounds on the top of a mountain. Three months after that, they could see the tops of the mountain.

The dove gets all the attention...

40 days after that, Noah peeks out and sends a raven, and the raven just flies around. So he sends out a dove but it comes back. He waits a week and tries again and the dove comes back with the leaf of a very fast growing olive tree. A week later he sends the dove again and it never comes back.

A year and 10 days after the rains first started, God gives permission to disembark.

Noah promptly builds an alter and burns one of every clean animal and bird as an offering. God loves the smell of roasting animals so much that he promises to never wipe out all the animals and mankind again.

He blesses Noah and tells him that from now on all the animals are going to be afraid of man, but he can eat them, just so long as he doesn't eat the blood. He tells them to go repopulate the planet, with the warning that if a man kills another man, the killer will die. He promises again not to do the whole angry "wipe everything out with a flood" thing again, and says that a rainbow is a sign of this promise.

Noah plants a vineyard, makes himself some wine and gets so drunk that he passes out naked in his tent. His son Ham walks in and sees dear old dad laying there naked. No one likes walking in on their naked father, so he probably yells in surprise, wishes he could unsee everything, and goes to tell his brothers, Shem and Japheth. Shem and Japh walk into the tent backwards so they don't see their father and toss a blanket on him.

Noah is the Bible's first angry drunk. He wakes up and is completely pissed that Ham had walked in on him while he was passed out drunk and naked. He doesn't curse Ham directly, but curses Ham's son Caanan (who had nothing to do with any of this). He blesses Shem and Japh and makes Caanan their servant.

Can you imagine being Caanan? You're minding your own business, off hunting for some food or tending sheep or whatever, and you come back to camp to find that you're now a servant to your uncles because your dad accidentally walked in on your drunk, naked, passed out grandfather. THANKS!!!

Eventually Noah dies at 950 years old.