Genesis Chapters 29 - 30: More Lies and Deceptions, Plus a Baby-Making Contest

Jacob goes off toward Haran. On the way he sees some shepherds with their sheep waiting around a well. The well had a large rock on top to keep it safe. He stops by and makes small talk, and asks if they know his uncle Laban.

“Know him?” they answer. “Heck, that’s his daughter Rachel coming with his sheep right now!”

Jacob replies, “Wow… she’s pretty. Hey, so, like, why don’t you guys water your sheep and skedaddle, know what I mean?”

“No way, man. That rock is heavy. We wait for everyone to get here so we only have to move it once. Don’t tell us how to do our jobs.”

Rachel gets there and being the nice guy that he is, Jacob moves the rock and waters her sheep, then plants a big wet kiss on her lips and introduces himself as her cousin. Rachel runs home and tells her father, and Laban welcomes Jacob into his home.

After a while, Laban says, “Hey you’ve been working here a while. I should probably pay you. How much do you want?”

Jacob offers seven years labor for the hand of Rachel. Laban agrees.

Seven years goes by quickly and Laban holds a marriage feast for Jacob and Rachel. But in the evening, once it’s dark, Laban pushes his other daughter Leah into Jacob’s tent. Jacob wakes up in the morning and is shocked to see that he’s slept with the wrong daughter.

“LABAN! WHAT THE HECK?” he cries.

“Oh, yeah, about that,” Laban says. “Well, you know Leah’s the older daughter and it wouldn’t be proper for her younger sister to be married before she is. So I switched them. Hope you don’t mind. How about this – I’ll give you Rachel, too, but you owe me another seven years. Sound good?”

“Ugh, fine…”

So Jacob gets both sisters (plus their female slaves), but he loves Rachel more. But he doesn’t dislike Leah so much that he doesn’t sleep with her, and she has some sons: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. Each time she thinks the birth of a child will make Jacob love her more, and each time she is disappointed.

Rachel gets jealous that she doesn’t have any children, and tells Jacob that if she doesn’t have a baby she will die! Jacob says he’s trying, but God’s in charge of the baby-making success rate. So Rachel gives him her female slave Bilhah for baby-making purposes. Jacob gets Bilhah pregnant twice with sons named Dan and Naphtali.

Now Leah sees that Rachel is catching up to her and gives Jacob her servant Zilpah for more babies. Zilpah has sons named Gad and Asher.

If you’ve lost track of the baby score, it’s Leah 6, Rachel 2.

One day Leah’s son Reuben finds some mandrakes and brings them home. Rachel asks if she can have some.

Leah replies, “Seriously? You stole my husband and now you’re taking my son’s mandrakes? What kind of scheming wench are you?”

“Fine… you can have Jacob tonight in exchange for some mandrakes.”

(Mandrakes are hallucinogens and are sometimes used in pagan fertility rituals.)

When Jacob comes home, Leah informs him that it’s her turn to sleep with him tonight since she bought him with mandrakes. And she gets pregnant again and has a son named Issachar. Then she has another son named Zebulun and a daughter, Dinah.

Rachel finally has a son of her own named Joseph.

Final tally: Leah 9 (well, 8, since one is a girl), Rachel 3. But Jacob still loves Rachel more.

As soon as Rachel has Joseph, Jacob asks Laban if he can go home. Laban says that Jacob is really a valuable member of the team and the reason he’s doing so well right now, so asks him to stay on for a while longer and offers Jacob a raise.

Jacob asks for all the speckled and spotted and black sheep and goats. Laban decides that’s fair and Jacob goes and splits up the flocks. He sends the spotted flock off with his sons to separate them from the white ones. He keeps watch over Laban’s white herd.

I get the cool looking ones, k?

Then he peels some sticks and puts them in front of the animals’ watering trough when the animals come to drink and mate. Somehow, looking at striped and spotted sticks while mating causes Laban’s white animals to have striped and spotted offspring. Jacob sends these animals off to his sons, since the agreement was that Jacob gets all the speckled animals.

He also makes sure that he only does this with the really nice strong animals. Any of the weaker or smaller animals, he lets them breed without sticks. Since they’re not looking at the magic striped sticks, those animals are just plain white.

Eventually, Jacob’s herd has a lot of strong speckled and spotted sheep and goats. And Laban’s herd is full of weak, puny all-white animals.

And Laban is not happy.

Genesis Chapters 23 - 26: Isaac's New Family and Some Bad Decisions Regarding Stew

Abraham grows old and tells his oldest servant to come and put his hand under his thigh and swear that he will go to his homeland and find Isaac a suitable wife. The servant doesn't have a name,but it's mentioned back in Chapter 15 that his name is Eliezer. So we'll call him Eli.

There are several explanations of "putting your hand under my thigh." It's a Patriarchal Oath. However... it may not actually involve the thigh. It seems that a circumcised penis is important enough to swear an oath by.

He tells Eli to go back to Mesopotamia, where Abraham's brother Nahor lives, and find Isaac a wife. The servant worries that he might not be able to convince a woman to follow him all the way back to Caanan and Abraham tells him that if he absolutely can't find a girl to follow him that he can bring Isaac back to her.

That's a lot of camels

Eli takes ten camels and some nice things that girls like as gifts, and he makes the camels lie down by the well. He prays and comes up with a plan. He decides that he will ask the girls who come to the well for a drink. If any of them gives him a drink AND offers his camels a drink, well, that's the girl for Isaac.

A woman named Rebekah comes to the well and the servant thinks she's really pretty, so he asks for a drink. She lets Eli drink and then she gives the camels water. He's flabbergasted and gives her some jewelry and asks who she is and if he could stay the night with her family.

She says that she Nahor's granddaughter. (So I think that makes her a second cousin to Isaac.) And she says of course he and his herd of smelly camels are welcome to spend the night.

Eli is welcomed and his camels cared for. They offer him dinner, but he insists that he tell them why he is there first.

He tells them that he is there at the behest of Abraham, who is now very rich and powerful. He tells how he was sent to find Isaac a wife and how he knew Rebekah was the one because she gave the camels water without him even asking.

Rebekah's brother and father say, "WOW! That's amazing! She's all yours!"

He gives her even more jewelry, and gives her mom some jewelry too, and they eat. After dinner, Eli gets up to go, but Rebekah's brother and mom ask if she can stay a few more days and then go back. Eli says they really ought to be on their way, and amazingly, they decide to ask Rebekah what SHE wants to do. She says that they can leave immediately. They bless her and she packs up her stuff and she and Eli return to Abraham and Isaac. Isaac thinks she's lovely and marries her.

Abraham takes another wife and has a bunch of children with her. He also has some children by some concubines, though he sends those children east. Abraham dies at 175 years old, and Ishmael comes home for the funeral. He and Isaac bury their father with Sarah in the cave that Abraham bought. Ishmael by the way has twelve sons.

Rebekah has no children for a long while, so Isaac prays for some kids. When she is 60, God gives her twins, but tells her that one will be stronger than the other and that the older will serve the younger.

The oldest, Esau, is born first, covered in red hair. Jacob follows him out hanging on to Esau's heel.

Esau becomes a skilled hunter and is their father's favorite. Jacob is a quiet man and is their mother's favorite.

What's this soup worth to you?

One day Jacob was home cooking some lentil stew. Esau comes in from hunting and says, "Ohhhhh red stew! Smells great! I am so hungry I'm about ready to pass out. Let me have some."

Jacob says, "Sure you can have some stew. In exchange for your birthright."

"Seriously? I'm your brother, about to DIE right here in front of you from starvation and you're bribing me with freaking stew?  Eh...whatever.  If I'm about to die, you'll get my birthright anyway won't you?  HA! Ok. It's yours. Give me some."

A drought and famine comes into the land and Isaac travels to Gerar, the land of Abimelach, the king that Abraham had dealt with back in Caanan.

And, surprise, surprise, Isaac tells Rebekah to pretend to be his sister. No one stole Rebekah, but the king looked out a window one day and saw Isaac and Rebekah laughing and from that he knew that they were not brother and sister. (My version says they were laughing. Other versions say "caressing" or "sporting".)

"Isaac," the king asks, "Again with the 'she's my sister' trick? What the heck is wrong with you people? Your father did the same thing. One of us could have slept with your wife and gotten us all in trouble!" And he tells Isaac to go away.

Isaac moves a little way off. There's some more quarreling over wells and Isaac moves farther away until they stop bothering him.

The king comes to visit and to let him know that he doesn't want any trouble since he know Isaac has God on his side.

Meanwhile, Esau marries two Hittite women which ticks Isaac and Rebekah off to no end.

Genesis Chapters 20 - 22: You say you love me. Now prove it.

Abraham and Sarah pack up again and travel to Gerar. Again, Abraham tells Sarah to pretend she's his sister. And yet again, the king comes and takes Sarah away (because 90 year old women are totally hot). Before the king does anything with her, God comes to him and lets him in on the truth that Sarah is married to Abraham and suggests he return her to Abraham. Or sleep with her and die. His choice.

The king calls Abraham over and tells him he knows that Sarah's his wife and asks, "Why did you tell me that she's your sister?"

"Because this is a godless place and I thought you'd kill me so you could take her for your own. And besides..."

*drum roll*

"She is my half sister from my father."

In the same way that this worked out pretty well for Abraham in Egypt, he benefits again. The king gives him oxen and sheep and male and female slaves, and 1000 silver pieces, calls the whole thing even, and tells them they are welcomed to stay as long as they would like.

Just as God promised, Sarah gives birth to Isaac. There is much rejoicing. But Sarah doesn't like Hagar and Ishmael hanging around enjoying the festivities, so she tells Abraham to kick them out. He's a little disappointed, but God says to do it too. Abraham gives her some provisions and sends her off to wander the forests. God protects them and they survive.

The king and Abraham have a disagreement about a well, but they get it settled, and then the king goes back home anyway.

A while passes and God decides to put Abraham to the ultimate test. He tells Abraham to take his only son and BURN him as an offering to God.  Alright technically it's not his only son... he kicked the first one out to wander the wilderness with his mother. But I digress.

Abraham has questioned God in the past. He asked for proof that this land would belong to his descendants forever. He laughed when he was told Sarah would get pregnant. He questioned God's decision to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and negotiated terms for destruction of the cities.

But this request to kill and burn his son inexplicably goes completely unchallenged.

No.  To this, Abraham says, "Hey Isaac! Wanna go for a donkey ride? C'mon! Let's go!"

They ride off with a couple of servants and a pile of wood so they can have a nice sacrificial fire. They ride for a few days and come to a good spot. He tells the servants, "You guys wait here by this rock with the donkey. We're going to go... pray... over there behind those bushes. You stay here no matter what you hear. No peeking. I mean it."

Right about now Isaac notices that something is up and asks, "Hey Dad... we brought wood for the burnt offering but didn't we forget the lamb?"

"Oh... yeah... Um. God will have a lamb waiting for us when we get there!"

"Wow, Dad! God sure is terrific!"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's a heck of a guy..."

He builds and altar, piles the wood up, then ties up his son and tosses the kid up on top. He is JUST about to slit his son's throat when God yells out, "DUDE! STOP!"

"God, you scared me! What?"

"Don't kill your son. Seriously, I just wanted to see if you actually would do it. Here. Burn this goat instead." 

Abraham looks over and there's a goat with its horns stuck in a shrub. Abraham burns the goat instead of his son and names this place, "The Lord will provide." I can think of a lot of other names for this place, like, "The place where the Lord messed with my head." Or "The spot where my child was scarred for life."

God's love and trust is not unconditional.

God again blesses Abraham and tells him again that his offspring will be numerous and powerful and blessed because he obeyed his voice. He also informs him that his brother Nahor has had eight children with his wife and four more kids with his concubine.

Sarah lives to be 127 and dies in Hebron. Abraham asks the locals for a place to bury her and Ephron offers a nice cave to the east of Hebron. Abraham asks, "How much?"

Ephron answers, "Aw, just take it. It's fine."

"No, really. I insist. How much?"

"It's worth 400 shekels of silver but seriously, you can have it for free."

Abraham give him the money and buys the cave and the field and the nice trees all around it and buries Sarah there.

Genesis Chapters 15 - 19: Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash

This is one of the parts that makes me say WTF.  It's got a bit of everything...  forced sexual encounters, abuse of a slave, drunken incest...  I really should get a children's bible to see how this gets explained to kids...

I know I don't have many followers or anything, but maybe someone will get the Pogues reference.

God blesses Abram and tells him that his descendents will be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Abram reminds God that he and his wife have no children. God tells him not to worry, he'll take care of it.

Abram wants some proof that this land will be his forever. God tells him to bring him a cow, a goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a pigeon. Abram does this and splits the cow, goat, and ram in half and then lays the halves back over themselves and then sits back to receive a message. He waits and waits, then falls asleep and has a hideous dream. God tells him that his people will be slaves in a foreign land for 400 years, but that he will get them out and bring them back.

No, really, it's fine...

In the meantime, Sarai gets tired of waiting for kids, so she tells Abram to get her Egyptian slave Hagar pregnant. Abram does this and Hagar gets all "neener neener neener" because she's having a baby and Sarai's not. And Sarai's probably a tad jealous too, seeing that maybe this wasn't what she wanted after all. She complains to Abram, who tells her that it's her problem to deal with.

Sarai mistreats Hagar, abuses her, and is so utterly horrible to her that Hagar runs away. One of God's angels catches up to her and tells her to get her butt back to camp, but promises her that God will multiply her offspring. He says that this son, Ishmael, will be a "wild donkey of a man" and he'll fight with everyone and everyone will fight with him. Basically, Ishmael will be an ass.

After Ishmael is born, when Abram is 99, God again tells Abram that he's going to multiply him greatly. He renames him Abraham which means "father of nations," and changes Sarai's name to Sarah. Then he tells him that to mark this covenant, every male of the household, including purchased foreign slaves, must be circumcised. Any one who isn't gets banished.

God tells him that Sarah will have a child. Abraham has the nerve to laugh to himself at the thought, considering that he's 99 and Sarah is 90. But God says it will happen and that their next son Issac will be born in a year.

When they're done talking, it's circumcision time.

Shortly after, Abraham is sitting in the door of his tent and God appears to him as three men. Abraham invites them for snacks and foot baths. He makes them veal and bread and cheese curds and they sit under a tree for a picnic. Sarah is in the tent, but listening from the door, and when she overhears them say that she will have a child in a year, she laughs to herself at the thought. God hears this and asks why she laughed. She totally denies that she ever did but God calls her on it.

So the angels go on their way, and Abraham walks with them to show them out. They tell him that they are going to check out Sodom and Gomorrah because they've gotten some reports that things are not really going well over there.

Abraham asks him not to wipe out the whole city just for the sins of a few. He asks, "If there are fifty righteous people there will you wipe it out?"

God says, "Alright fine. If there are fifty righteous people there, I'll spare the whole place."

Abraham asks, "Well.... what if there are only 45?"

God says, "Sure. Forty-five."

"What about forty?"

"Sigh... ok forty."

"Thirty?"

"What? Really? Ok, thirty... is there anything else?"

"Twenty?"

"You are seriously pushing your luck, but ok.... twenty."

"Ummm.... ten?"

"Oh for crying out loud, FINE! TEN! But that's IT! Now get out of my way!"

The two angels (Two? Maybe the third had other plans?) get to Sodom and find Lot sitting there. Lot offers snacks and foot baths. They try to get out of it so they can go to the town square, plus they'd just had snacks and foot baths at Abraham's place.  But Lot insists.

Right at bedtime, the men of the town come knocking and want Lot to send the two men out so that they can "know" them. This isn't a social call as in, "Hey, lets go out and have a few beers and chat and get to know each other." This is down and dirty biblical knowing.

"Hey, why don't you two girls go see who's at the door?"

Lot is horrified at his town's attempt to rape his angelic house guests. He goes out to try to reason with them and in an attempt to appease the masses, he offers up his two virgin daughters instead.

The townsfolk would rather rape angels than Lot's virgin daughters, and they try to break down the door. The angels pull Lot back inside and strike the townsfolk blind, then tell Lot to gather up his family and get out because they're going to open up a half ton of hurt on this town.

Lot tries to convince his daughters' fiances that they need to beat feet out of the city. But they don't believe him. It could also be that they're a little angry that Lot had offered their future wives up for a mass raping.

So Lot and his wife and his two daughters are ushered out of the city and told not to look back. The angels tell them to go to the hills. Lot looks across the valley and says, "Hills? *sigh* So hard to walk up hills... But how about that little village down there? It's much closer..."

"FINE! Go to that village! Just get out! Why are you people always arguing with me all of a sudden?"

Sodom and Gomorrah get wiped out with sulfur and fire, but Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Abraham stands on a hill and sees the destruction.

Lot decides that maybe the hills were a better choice than this little village, so he goes up there with his daughters to live in a cave. His daughters come up with a scheme to get their dad drunk, have sex with him without him noticing, and have babies. Both end up having children by their father.

Genesis Chapters 10 - 14: Abram Travels the World

Bring on the begats!

First is a list of Japheth and Ham's descendants. They have lots of kids and they all live a long time.

"Wow. That's a really nice tower! These people have some

 ambition.... Hmmm.... maybe a little too much."

Their people start spreading out and some of them decide to build a tower to show how awesome they are and make a name for themselves. God comes and sees this and thinks it's a bit much.

So he goes and scrambles up their language so that they can't talk to each other and make such ambitious plans, and he scatters them all away from the city they were building.

Next is a list of Shem's descendants. On and on. Lots of kids, everyone lives a long time. But kind of less and less time with every generation. After eleven generations, we get to Abram (eventually known as Abraham) and Abram's nephew Lot.

Abram's father, Terah, takes Abram, Lot, and Sarai (Abram's wife) and travels toward Caanan. But they stop in Haran and Terah dies there. God tells Abram to keep going to Caanan, so he and Lot and Sarai pack up and go. In Caanan, God tells Abram that he'll give this land to his descendants and Abram builds an altar there.

And then he keeps on walking... all the way to Egypt.

Abram is worried that the people there will see how beautiful his wife is and kill him and steal her away, so he tells her to lie and say she's his sister. And of course, the Pharaoh thinks she's beautiful and takes her to be his wife. And he treats Abram nicely and gives him livestock and slaves because he thinks he's the pretty lady's brother.

God brings down some nastiness on Pharaoh and he realizes that it's because Sarai is Abram's wife. He yells at Abram for lying to him and tells them to take their stuff and go.

The moral (?) of the story: It's ok to lie and let your wife be carried off by a king to save your own skin. You might even get very wealthy in the process! Totally worth it!

Abram, Sarai and Lot and all their male and female slaves and camels and sheep and oxen and donkeys and silver and gold go back to Caanan. Abram and Lot both have tons of stuff and are starting to get in each others' way, so they split up. Lot chooses to go east toward the Jordan Valley toward Sodom. Once Lot is gone, God tells Abram that everything he can see is going to be given to his offspring forever. Abram moves his tent to Hebron and builds an altar.

It would make a good movie.

Lot's decision to go to Sodom is a poor one. There are quite a few wars going on and Sodom and Gomorrah get overrun by four allied kings. Lot and his family and possessions get taken away by the enemy. Abram hears of this and takes 318 trained fighting men and rescues Lot and all his people from the four kings. I wish there was more detail about this against-all-odds rescue.

Abram returns and the priest-king of Salem blesses Abram and Abram gives him a tenth of everything. The king of Sodom offers Abram all the spoils of his conquest (except for the slaves... the king wants those). Abram declines so no one can say that the king made him rich, but he tells the other people who fought with him to take their share.