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| FAB-U-LOUS!!!! |
Joseph is Israel's favorite boy and he makes him a fancy, colorful robe. Naturally, all the other kids think he's a spoiled little goody two shoes.
Then he has this great dream and tells his brothers about it. In this dream they're all binding grain into sheaves in a field. His sheaf stood proud and upright and all his brothers' sheaves came and bowed down to it.
"See," said his brothers, "and you wonder why we hate you."
Then he has another dream that the sun and moon and stars bowed down to him. He told this dream to his father.
"Kid, you're getting a big head," says Israel, but he keeps this in the back of his mind.
One day the other brothers are with the flock near Shecham and Israel sends Joseph out to check on them and report back. He puts on his fancy rainbow robe and goes out to find them.
They spot him coming (he is wearing a brightly colored coat, so he's easy to spot) and say, "Aw, man... Here comes Mr. Big Dreamer. Hey, let's kill him, toss him in a pit, and say an animal ate him!"
Reuben is horrified at the suggestion. "What the hell? We can't kill him! Let's just toss him in the pit without killing him. That's much more humane." He figures he can go back later and rescue him. But everyone else thinks he's such a spoiled brat and hates him so much that they agree that this is a good idea.
"Hi guys!" says little Joey cheerfully as he approaches. "Whatcha doin?"
They rip his coat off and toss him in the pit. Then they sit down and eat dinner.
"Guys? Hello...? Can I have a sandwich?"
While they're eating a caravan of merchants passes by on their way to Egypt. "Ohhhhh guys!" says Judah. "Let's not kill Joey. Let's SELL him!" They sell their brother off for 20 shekels. The caravan takes him to Egypt and he is sold to Potiphar, who is a captain for the Pharoah.
Reuben returns to the pit and sees that his youngest brother was gone and knows that Israel will probably be a little bit angry with him. So they kill a goat and pour the blood on Joseph's coat and sent it home to Israel with a note saying, "Isn't this Joey's coat?"
Israel is inconsolable.
Judah takes a Canaanite wife and she has some sons. He finds his firstborn, Er, a wife named Tamar. But God doesn't like Er much, so he smites him. Judah tells his second son, Onan, to take over the role of husband to this poor woman. Onan doesn't want to be responsible for children by his dead brother's wife (since they would technically be his brother's offspring), so he pulls out every time. God doesn't like this, so he smites Onan too.
Judah says to Tamar, "Gee, sorry about that... why don't you go back home to your father's house until my youngest son Shelah grows up."
Judah's wife dies and when he's done mourning he goes to Timnah with a friend to sheer his sheep. Tamar hears he's coming to town so she takes off her widow's clothes, figuring Shelah is probably old enough to marry her now. She wraps herself in a veil and waits for them to come. Judah sees her and takes her for a prostitute because of the veil.
He propositions her and she asks for a goat as payment.
"Well, I don't have a goat with me, but I'll send you one later."
"Alright, give me your cord and your staff and that ring and I'll send them back when I get my goat."
He agrees to this and he bangs his daughter-in-law, not knowing that she's his daughter-in-law.
Judah sends his friend with the goat, but he can't find the prostitute anywhere. They decide to cut their losses.
Three months later, Judah hears that Tamar is pregnant.
"BURN HER!" After all, that's the only sensible solution.
She whips out the signet and the cord and the staff and says, "Hey... remember these... daddy?"
"Oh snap," says Judah. "Yeah, my bad. Never mind." She has twins.
Meanwhile, down in Egypt, Joseph is sold to Potiphar. He does pretty well, even though he's a slave, and Potiphar puts him in completely charge of the household.
Joseph grows up to be quite handsome and Potiphar's wife can't help but notice him. She says, "Hey baby... how you doin'?"
"Um, good... But I'm really not interested."
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| Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me... Aren't you? |
She continues to pursue him day after day, and day after day, he turns her down.
One day she catches him alone in the house and grabs his robe and tries to have a go at him. He slips out of his coat and runs off.
She's had enough. She calls the household guards. "That Hebrew fellow just tried to rape me! See! He took his coat off, but when I yelled, he ran off!"
Potiphar is angry that Joseph, who he's trusted, has allegedly tried to rape his wife. He tosses Joseph in prison. But just as he was successful as a slave, he's successful as a prisoner, and the warden puts him in charge of all the prisoners.
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