Exodus 1 - 4: Meet Moses

After a while a new Pharaoh comes to power. He looks around and says, "These Hebrews... they took our jobs!"

So they decide to give them all the really undesirable jobs and then not pay them. They went from well-off to slavery.

The Pharaoh also told all the midwives, "When the Hebrew women have children, kill all the boys." The midwives refused and when the Pharaoh asked why they told him, "They give birth really fast... by the time we get there, the baby's already been born." So the Pharaoh commanded all the boy Hebrew babies to be chucked into the Nile.

Levi's wife has a son and she hides him for a while, but hiding a squalling infant is no easy task. She builds him a little boat and puts him in the river. Pharaoh's daughter comes along and finds him, hires a nanny, and names the baby Moses.

Moses grows up. One day he is walking among his people to see how they are doing and he notices an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave. He looks around, doesn't see anyone watching, clubs him, and buries him in the sand.

The next day he's out for another walk and he sees two Hebrews fighting.

"Hey," he says, "What's going on here?"

"None of your business," one replies. "And anyway, what are you going to do, Killer? Murder us like you did that Egyptian? Yeah, we know what you did."

Moses realizes that word has gotten out, and Pharaoh has heard of it, so he flees to Midian. When he gets there, he sees the Midianite priest's seven daughters trying to draw water from a well. Some shepherds were harassing them and he runs them off and helps the ladies water their flock. They return home and tell their father about the nice Egyptian man that helped them. The priest, Jethro, invites him over for dinner, gives him one of his daughters to marry, and Moses stays with them.

God, in the meantime, sees how the Hebrews are being treated by the Egyptians and remembers that promise he'd made to bring these people back to Canaan. He thinks it's about time to make good on that.

While Moses is watching over his father-in-law's flock in Midian, he sees a bush on fire, but notices that the bush itself isn't really getting burned in the process.

"What the heck is that all about?" he says and walks over to investigate.  If this is an acacia tree (which are mentioned frequently in the Bible) it is interesting to note that this tree contains a very powerful hallucinogenic substance.

Duuuuuuude....

God calls to him, "MOSES!"

"Aaahh! I'm right here! No need to yell."

"Sorry. Take your shoes off and don't come any closer because this place is holy. This is God talking by the way. Not just some ordinary bush. The Hebrews have been crying to me and I see that this new Pharaoh has made you all into slaves. That won't do. I'm going to bring you all back up to your own land. I want you to go talk to Pharaoh and then I need you to lead them all out of here."

"Me? Why me?" says Moses.

"Oh, I'm totally going to help you," says God. "Don't worry."

"How am I going to get all these people to follow me? How on earth am I going to get them to believe me?"

"Seriously? You tell them that I AM GOD. They'll listen to that. Tell them that we're going home and that home will be awesome, all milk and honey and stuff. But listen,"God continues. "Pharaoh isn't just going to let you walk off. So I'm going to do a lot of really neat and scary stuff to them and convince him to let you out of here."

"God, I really don't think they're going to believe all that," says Moses. "I mean, I was raised by Egyptians. I'm kind of an outsider around here."

"Alright," says God. "Now for my first trick. Throw your staff on the ground."

"Um, ok?" Moses tosses his staff on the ground. BAM! It becomes a snake, and Moses freaks out and runs away.

"Moses get back here," says God. "Watch. Catch it by the tail, ok?"

Moses catches the tail and BAM! It becomes a staff again.

"Ohhh...."

"See," says God. "They'll believe you if you show them that one. Now let's try another one. Put your hand in your robe and then take it out."

Moses puts his hand in his robe and then draws it out again, only to see it's leprous.

Before Moses totally loses it, he says, "Ok now put your hand back in your robe." Moses does and when he takes it out, it's healed. God says, "Only do that one if they don't believe the snake trick, because the leprous sores trick might not win you many friends."

"God, I really don't want all this responsibility," says Moses, "and I suck at public speaking. Can't you pick someone else?"

"Fine," says God, who is getting a little aggravated. "Here comes your brother Aaron. I'll have him help you."

Moses says goodbye to Jethro and goes back down the Egypt with his wife and son. On the way, God reminds him to show Pharaoh the snake and leper miracles. And he tells him to relay the message that if he doesn't let the Hebrews go that God will kill his firstborn.  Moses's wife realizes that they totally forgot to circumcise one of their sons, so she does that on the trip.  They meet up with Aaron and Moses and Aaron talk to the people of Israel and they believe them.

Genesis Chapters 40 - 42: Joseph's Dream Interpretation Gig Pays Off and He Messes with His Brothers

A note:  I am hoping to finish writing Genesis by the end of the month.  I am currently about 25% of the way through reading the Bible (I'm on 2 Samuel).  This just takes longer to write it.  The Bible will be read in a year.  I suspect the blog will take longer.

After Joseph's been in prison for a while, the Pharaoh’s chief cup bearer and chief baker get thrown in jail. They end up in Joseph's section.

While they're there, they have terrible dreams on the same night (I can imagine that I would also have terrible dreams while in prison). Joseph sees them and asks, "Hey, why so glum? Well, other than for being in prison and all, but you look especially glum today."

They tell him that they have both had terrible dreams.

"Oh I love interpreting dreams! Tell me what they were!"

The cup bearer starts, "There was this vine with three branches and all these grapes grew out of them. And I took them and squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and gave it to Pharaoh." (Horrible nightmare, that one.)

Joseph says, "Oh, ok, the three branches are three days, and in three days the Pharaoh will get you out of here and restore you to your position as cup bearer. Hey, when that happens, tell him that I'm innocent and put in a good word for me so I can get out of here."

The baker, seeing that the cup bearer's dream was positive says, "Mine next! So in my dream I had three baskets on my head, all filled with delicious baked goods. But the birds kept flying over and eating the stuff out of the top basket."

"Oh, that's bad," says Joseph. "The three baskets are three days, but in three days, Pharaoh is going to chop your head off and hang it from a tree and the crows are going to eat you as you rot."

"Shit," says the baker.

And in three days, which happened to be Pharaoh's birthday, the cup bearer was restored to his position at court, but the baker was hanged. Unfortunately, the cup bearer completely forgets to tell Pharaoh about Joseph.

I'm so hungry I could eat a cow.

Two years pass and Pharaoh has a dream that he was standing by the Nile and seven nice fat cows came out of the river and started feeding on the reeds. Then seven ugly skinny cows came out of the river, walked over to the nice cows and ATE them, but after they'd eaten them, the skinny cows were just as skinny as before. He wakes up, says, "Wow, weird dream. I need to lay off the hummus before bed."

He falls back asleep and has another dream. In this dream, seven big, beautiful ears of grain were growing on one stalk. And then seven scrawny thin ears sprouted nearby and gobbled up the seven healthy ears.

He wakes up again and says, "Really weird. Maybe it means something." And in the morning he calls all his magicians and wise men to him, but no one can figure out what it means.

Then the cup bearer suddenly remembers. "Pharaoh, there was a Hebrew guy down in the prison that's really good at this... What was his name...? Jimmy... John... NO! Joseph! Man, I wonder if he's still even down there... I suck at remembering stuff."

Pharaoh summons Joseph out of the prison. They clean him up and send him out and Pharaoh tells him his dreams.

"Oh that's an easy one! See the dreams are the same. The seven nice cows and seven nice ears of grain are both seven years. And the seven skinny cows and skinny ears of grain are seven years of famine. God's telling you that this is going to happen. So you're going to have seven really good years, and then seven years of famine that will consume everything from the good years. You should have someone in charge of preparations and store a fifth of everything now while it's good so that when the famine comes, everyone doesn't die."

Pharaoh says, "Wow, you are good! Ok, you're in charge of all that. Know what? I'm just going to put you in charge of my whole household." And Pharaoh dresses Joseph up and parades him all around Egypt to let everyone know that this guy is his Number One. He gives him a wife and promises to consult him about everything. During the good years, Joseph stores up tons of food, so much that they lose track of the stores. His wife bears two sons.

After seven years, the famine arrives. But Egypt has so much stored that they do alright. Even other countries come to Egypt for food because they've prepared so well.

Jacob (aka Israel, but we're calling him Jacob again now) hears that there's food in Egypt and tells ten of his sons to go down and see if they can get some grain. Benjamin, the youngest, stays behind.

They get to Egypt and bow in front of Joseph. Joseph recognizes them, and remembering his dream about the sheaves of grain bowing before him, says, "You're spies. You just came to see how much the drought has affected us."

"No, we're not spies," they say. "We're twelve brothers coming to buy food. "

"No you're spies. And not even good spies since there's only ten of you."

"Yeah, the youngest is at home and the other one.... died."

"I still say you're spies. I'm holding you here until your youngest brother comes to Egypt. I'll send one of you back home to go get him." And he tosses them all in jail for three days to mull it over.

In three days Joseph comes back and says, "Ok maybe I was a little harsh. I'll just hold one of you. The rest of you go back with grain and supplies, then you send the last brother over here and then I'll believe you."

The brothers talked among themselves and they start feeling a little guilty about selling Joseph to the Egyptians (though they really don't know that this is Joseph standing in front of them). Reuben says, "See I told you guys not to be jerks. Now we're all going to pay for that little stunt."

Joseph keeps Simeon and loads up their donkeys with grain and traveling supplies and sends the rest of the brothers on their way back to Canaan. They pay him for everything, but while no one is looking, Joseph puts each man's money back into the sacks.

On the trip home, one brother opens a sack to feed his donkey and notices the coins are there. "Oh no! Did I forget to pay? This is bad."

They get home and tell Jacob everything that happened. They unpack and realize that ALL their money is in the sacks. Jacob yells at them, "You fools! Joseph is dead, now Simeon probably is or will be, and you want to take Benjamin down there to die too. No way. Not gonna happen. Idiots."

Reuben says, "Listen, if I take Benjamin down and they kill him, you can kill my two sons. That's fair, right?"

"No," Jacob says. "Absolutely not."

Genesis Chapters 37 - 39: Hey, Nice Coat. Wanna Make Out?

FAB-U-LOUS!!!!

Joseph is Israel's favorite boy and he makes him a fancy, colorful robe. Naturally, all the other kids think he's a spoiled little goody two shoes.

Then he has this great dream and tells his brothers about it. In this dream they're all binding grain into sheaves in a field. His sheaf stood proud and upright and all his brothers' sheaves came and bowed down to it.

"See," said his brothers, "and you wonder why we hate you."

Then he has another dream that the sun and moon and stars bowed down to him. He told this dream to his father.

"Kid, you're getting a big head," says Israel, but he keeps this in the back of his mind.

One day the other brothers are with the flock near Shecham and Israel sends Joseph out to check on them and report back. He puts on his fancy rainbow robe and goes out to find them.

They spot him coming (he is wearing a brightly colored coat, so he's easy to spot) and say, "Aw, man... Here comes Mr. Big Dreamer. Hey, let's kill him, toss him in a pit, and say an animal ate him!"

Reuben is horrified at the suggestion. "What the hell? We can't kill him! Let's just toss him in the pit without killing him. That's much more humane." He figures he can go back later and rescue him. But everyone else thinks he's such a spoiled brat and hates him so much that they agree that this is a good idea.

"Hi guys!" says little Joey cheerfully as he approaches. "Whatcha doin?"

They rip his coat off and toss him in the pit. Then they sit down and eat dinner.

"Guys? Hello...? Can I have a sandwich?"

While they're eating a caravan of merchants passes by on their way to Egypt. "Ohhhhh guys!" says Judah. "Let's not kill Joey. Let's SELL him!" They sell their brother off for 20 shekels. The caravan takes him to Egypt and he is sold to Potiphar, who is a captain for the Pharoah.

Reuben returns to the pit and sees that his youngest brother was gone and knows that Israel will probably be a little bit angry with him. So they kill a goat and pour the blood on Joseph's coat and sent it home to Israel with a note saying, "Isn't this Joey's coat?"

Israel is inconsolable.

Judah takes a Canaanite wife and she has some sons. He finds his firstborn, Er, a wife named Tamar. But God doesn't like Er much, so he smites him. Judah tells his second son, Onan, to take over the role of husband to this poor woman. Onan doesn't want to be responsible for children by his dead brother's wife (since they would technically be his brother's offspring), so he pulls out every time. God doesn't like this, so he smites Onan too.

Judah says to Tamar, "Gee, sorry about that... why don't you go back home to your father's house until my youngest son Shelah grows up."

Judah's wife dies and when he's done mourning he goes to Timnah with a friend to sheer his sheep. Tamar hears he's coming to town so she takes off her widow's clothes, figuring Shelah is probably old enough to marry her now. She wraps herself in a veil and waits for them to come. Judah sees her and takes her for a prostitute because of the veil.

He propositions her and she asks for a goat as payment.

"Well, I don't have a goat with me, but I'll send you one later."

"Alright, give me your cord and your staff and that ring and I'll send them back when I get my goat."

He agrees to this and he bangs his daughter-in-law, not knowing that she's his daughter-in-law.

Judah sends his friend with the goat, but he can't find the prostitute anywhere. They decide to cut their losses.

Three months later, Judah hears that Tamar is pregnant.

"BURN HER!" After all, that's the only sensible solution.

She whips out the signet and the cord and the staff and says, "Hey... remember these... daddy?"

"Oh snap," says Judah. "Yeah, my bad. Never mind." She has twins.

Meanwhile, down in Egypt, Joseph is sold to Potiphar. He does pretty well, even though he's a slave, and Potiphar puts him in completely charge of the household.

Joseph grows up to be quite handsome and Potiphar's wife can't help but notice him. She says, "Hey baby... how you doin'?"

"Um, good... But I'm really not interested."

Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me... Aren't you?

She continues to pursue him day after day, and day after day, he turns her down.

One day she catches him alone in the house and grabs his robe and tries to have a go at him. He slips out of his coat and runs off.

She's had enough. She calls the household guards. "That Hebrew fellow just tried to rape me! See! He took his coat off, but when I yelled, he ran off!"

Potiphar is angry that Joseph, who he's trusted, has allegedly tried to rape his wife. He tosses Joseph in prison. But just as he was successful as a slave, he's successful as a prisoner, and the warden puts him in charge of all the prisoners.

Genesis Chapters 34 - 36: Strange Justice and Jacob's Final Son Is Born

Jacob's daughter Dinah (the one he had with Leah in the baby war a few chapters ago), goes to visit the women of the town. Shecham, the prince of the town, sees her walking along, grabs her, and rapes her. But it's absolutely ok because he loves her and talks to her kindly. Shecham asks his father Hamor to get this woman for his wife.

Jacob hears about it, but since his sons are out with the sheep, he decides to wait until they come back. Hamor knocks on the door and explains that his son is smitten and wants to marry Dinah, so proposes that they join their families and lands and property.

Jacob and his sons talk a bit and say that this is ok, but only if all their men get circumcised.

"DONE!" says Shecham. "Pass me a knife." Everyone in town gets circumcised.

Three days later, while the whole town is still nursing their hurting boy parts, Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi go to town and kill all the males, including Shecham and Hamor. They grab Dinah and leave town. The rest of Jacob's sons go in and plunder all the loot, livestock and take the women and children.

Now I understand that they raped your sister and that's not cool. But that seems like a really dirty trick. Jacob isn't happy about this either, since now they've probably pissed off people from the neighboring towns.

So God tells Jacob to go to Bethel (aka Luz) and build an altar. Jacob tells his entire family and crew to get rid of all the foreign gods that they're hauling around. "Seriously guys, God's been helping me all through this and now we've gone and made everyone mad, so show some respect please." He collects all the idols and everyone's earrings as well and hides them under a tree.

As they leave, God strikes fear into the hearts of the neighboring towns people, so no one attacks them and they make a clean getaway.

They get to Bethal and Jacob builds the altar at the place where God had revealed himself to him when he first fled from his brother. God appears to him again and blesses him and says, "By the way, since you didn't seem to hear me the first time I told you, your name isn't Jacob any more. It's Israel. Must be you forgot because I hurt your hip like that. Sorry."

He goes on, "You'll be the father of nations. Just like I told Abraham and Isaac, all this land will be yours and your children's." And God went back up to heaven and Jacob sets up a pillar as a marker of this spot.

On their way out of Bethel, Rachel goes into labor with the last son. She has a son and names him Ben-oni and then she dies. Jacob calls him Benjamin, since Ben-oni isn't the greatest name he's ever heard. They bury Rachel and set up another pillar as a marker.

As an aside, Jacob's son Reuben has a little fling with one of Jacob's concubines and his father hears about it.

Jacob now has 12 sons. Remember them. They're important.

In order:

Reuben

Simeon

Levi

Judah

Dan

Naphtali

Gad

Asher

Issachar

Zebulon

Joseph

Benjamin

Want a mnemonic for the order?  

Repentant Sinners Love Jesus. Do Not Give Animals In Zoos Jelly Beans.

Jacob finally comes home and his father Isaac is STILL ALIVE! Wasn't he on his deathbed over 20 years ago when Jacob dressed up like Esau and stole his blessing? Anyhow, Isaac dies and Jacob and Esau bury him.

Next is a list of Esau's descendents. It goes on and on and no one's name jumps out at me as someone I should recognize so we'll skim it for now.

And God's told Jacob twice now that his name is Israel.  Why are we still calling him Jacob?