Exodus 1 - 4: Meet Moses

After a while a new Pharaoh comes to power. He looks around and says, "These Hebrews... they took our jobs!"

So they decide to give them all the really undesirable jobs and then not pay them. They went from well-off to slavery.

The Pharaoh also told all the midwives, "When the Hebrew women have children, kill all the boys." The midwives refused and when the Pharaoh asked why they told him, "They give birth really fast... by the time we get there, the baby's already been born." So the Pharaoh commanded all the boy Hebrew babies to be chucked into the Nile.

Levi's wife has a son and she hides him for a while, but hiding a squalling infant is no easy task. She builds him a little boat and puts him in the river. Pharaoh's daughter comes along and finds him, hires a nanny, and names the baby Moses.

Moses grows up. One day he is walking among his people to see how they are doing and he notices an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave. He looks around, doesn't see anyone watching, clubs him, and buries him in the sand.

The next day he's out for another walk and he sees two Hebrews fighting.

"Hey," he says, "What's going on here?"

"None of your business," one replies. "And anyway, what are you going to do, Killer? Murder us like you did that Egyptian? Yeah, we know what you did."

Moses realizes that word has gotten out, and Pharaoh has heard of it, so he flees to Midian. When he gets there, he sees the Midianite priest's seven daughters trying to draw water from a well. Some shepherds were harassing them and he runs them off and helps the ladies water their flock. They return home and tell their father about the nice Egyptian man that helped them. The priest, Jethro, invites him over for dinner, gives him one of his daughters to marry, and Moses stays with them.

God, in the meantime, sees how the Hebrews are being treated by the Egyptians and remembers that promise he'd made to bring these people back to Canaan. He thinks it's about time to make good on that.

While Moses is watching over his father-in-law's flock in Midian, he sees a bush on fire, but notices that the bush itself isn't really getting burned in the process.

"What the heck is that all about?" he says and walks over to investigate.  If this is an acacia tree (which are mentioned frequently in the Bible) it is interesting to note that this tree contains a very powerful hallucinogenic substance.

Duuuuuuude....

God calls to him, "MOSES!"

"Aaahh! I'm right here! No need to yell."

"Sorry. Take your shoes off and don't come any closer because this place is holy. This is God talking by the way. Not just some ordinary bush. The Hebrews have been crying to me and I see that this new Pharaoh has made you all into slaves. That won't do. I'm going to bring you all back up to your own land. I want you to go talk to Pharaoh and then I need you to lead them all out of here."

"Me? Why me?" says Moses.

"Oh, I'm totally going to help you," says God. "Don't worry."

"How am I going to get all these people to follow me? How on earth am I going to get them to believe me?"

"Seriously? You tell them that I AM GOD. They'll listen to that. Tell them that we're going home and that home will be awesome, all milk and honey and stuff. But listen,"God continues. "Pharaoh isn't just going to let you walk off. So I'm going to do a lot of really neat and scary stuff to them and convince him to let you out of here."

"God, I really don't think they're going to believe all that," says Moses. "I mean, I was raised by Egyptians. I'm kind of an outsider around here."

"Alright," says God. "Now for my first trick. Throw your staff on the ground."

"Um, ok?" Moses tosses his staff on the ground. BAM! It becomes a snake, and Moses freaks out and runs away.

"Moses get back here," says God. "Watch. Catch it by the tail, ok?"

Moses catches the tail and BAM! It becomes a staff again.

"Ohhh...."

"See," says God. "They'll believe you if you show them that one. Now let's try another one. Put your hand in your robe and then take it out."

Moses puts his hand in his robe and then draws it out again, only to see it's leprous.

Before Moses totally loses it, he says, "Ok now put your hand back in your robe." Moses does and when he takes it out, it's healed. God says, "Only do that one if they don't believe the snake trick, because the leprous sores trick might not win you many friends."

"God, I really don't want all this responsibility," says Moses, "and I suck at public speaking. Can't you pick someone else?"

"Fine," says God, who is getting a little aggravated. "Here comes your brother Aaron. I'll have him help you."

Moses says goodbye to Jethro and goes back down the Egypt with his wife and son. On the way, God reminds him to show Pharaoh the snake and leper miracles. And he tells him to relay the message that if he doesn't let the Hebrews go that God will kill his firstborn.  Moses's wife realizes that they totally forgot to circumcise one of their sons, so she does that on the trip.  They meet up with Aaron and Moses and Aaron talk to the people of Israel and they believe them.

Genesis 43 - 50: Hey, Let's All Go to Egypt!

Jacob and his sons and their families eventually eat all the food that they'd brought up from Egypt.

Jacob suggests that they maybe should go down and see about getting some more.

"Dad," they say, "you know he said we need to bring Benjamin down with us. So that's the only way we're getting anything else."

"You stupid knuckleheads, why did you have to go and blab about having another brother?"

"Well... he asked us," they reply. (If you go back a couple chapters, he didn't ask... they just kind of mentioned it.) Judah says, "Listen I promise he'll be fine. If you'd let me do this back when we got back I could have gone back and forth twice already."

"Alright, alright... take the kid. And take some other stuff... nuts and perfume and honey and some gum... everyone likes gum. And for crying out loud, don't forget to pay the man this time! Take extra money just in case."

They again travel all the way down to Egypt. Joseph sees them arrive and prepares a feast and tells his people to bring the travelers up to his house. His brothers are nervous because they think maybe they're in trouble for not paying the last time they were here and they try to explain the situation to Joseph's people.

"Ohhhh no, you're fine," says Joseph's steward. "You paid me. God must have put that money in your sacks. Amazing, right?"

They bring Simeon up from the jail, and everyone washes up for dinner. Joseph comes in for lunch and makes some small talk, asking about their father and such. But he gets a little overwhelmed with emotion at seeing Benjamin and has to step out a moment and compose himself before dinner.

After they eat, Joseph tells his steward, "Make sure they have food, then put their money back in their sacks. And here... take my cup that they know is mine and put it in Benjamin's sack. Don't let anyone see you."

Just after they leave, Joseph sends the steward after them. "Accuse them of stealing my cup. Really scare them, ok? Freak them out good.  This is going to be hilarious!  We'll all laugh about it later."

The steward catches up to them and yells at them. They deny taking anything, but a search turns up the cup in Benjamin's sacks. Busted. Back to Egypt they go.

They fall down in front of Joseph and beg forgiveness. Joseph replies, "Yeah, only the person who had it has to stay with me and be my servant. So the little one stays.  The rest of you can go home."

Jacob is not going to like it at all if they return without Benjamin. Judah tries to explain to Joseph how much this will hurt their father if Benjamin doesn't go home and he offers himself as a servant instead.

Joseph can't stand it anymore and bursts into tears. He sends all his servants out and when they're alone, he says, "DUDES! It's ME! JOSEPH! The one you sold into slavery! But hey, it's fine. Because if you hadn't sold me, I wouldn't have been here to interpret the Pharaoh's dream about the famine. Because of that, there's all this stored up food. So see? If I hadn't come here, we all would have died. God did that. Cool, right? So buzz back up to Canaan, tell our father that I'm down here, and bring the whole family down. We Hebrews are just going to fit right in here in Egypt! The Egyptians are awesome people. They love us!"

Pharaoh hears that Joseph's brothers are visiting him and agrees. "Oh look at your family! I'm so happy to meet you all!  You must bring everyone here and I'll give them the best of all we have.  I insist!"

I hate moving...

They load up the donkeys with a ton of stuff to prove the goodwill of the Pharaoh and with provisions for the trip to Canaan and then the return trip back to Egypt. They go and pick up Jacob and their wives and kids and families (all 70 of them) and make the trip back to Egypt. On the trip, God tells Jacob that they will be a great nation and, not to worry... that he will bring them up out of Egypt... eventually. And everything will be just fine.

Joseph meets up with them in Goshen and is reunited with his father. He tells them all, "I'm going to tell Pharaoh that you guys are all shepherds. So if he happens to ask, remember that. He'll give us the area of Goshen. Egyptians don't really like shepherds so we'll be ok here."

Pharaoh gives them Goshen and they settle there.

The famine continues and times get worse. People run out of money to buy food. Joseph tells the Egyptians that come for food that he'll take livestock in exchange for food. For a whole year he collects livestock in exchange for food.

The people run out of animals to trade. They start to give him their land for Pharaoh in exchange for food, and all the people become Pharaoh's servants. Joseph gives them seeds and tells them to sow this land, but that Pharaoh shall always get a fifth of the harvest. They agree.

Jacob's family does well in Goshen and accumulate wealth. Jacob grows old, and at 147 years, calls Joseph to him. "Promise me you'll bury me in Canaan." Joseph promises that he will. Jacob blesses Joseph's two sons and Joseph. Joseph sees that Jacob's right hand is on the younger son's head and tries to switch it over to the older son's.

"Nope, sorry," says Jacob. "Your younger son will be greater."

Then everyone gathers around Jacob as he's dying and Jacob tells them what's going to happen:

Reuben won't be the leader because he slept with that concubine. Simeon and Levi killed all those people after Dinah was raped and are too violent and rash to lead.

Judah will be praised by all his brothers and his descendents will be a strong tribe.

Zebulun will be a sea merchant and his area will be a harbor for ships.  Issachar will work hard and till the soil.  Dan will be a judge of the people of Israel.  Gad will be plagued by raiders, but he'll win in the end.  Asher's food will be really good and they'll be a rich people.

Naphtali is the pretty one.  Joseph is still my favorite.  Benjamin will be a great warrior.

And he dies. Joseph has the Egyptians embalm him and they mourn him for 70 days. Joseph asks Pharaoh for permission to go bury his father in the cave in Canaan. Everyone, including Pharaoh and all the elders of Egypt make the trek to bury Jacob.

Joseph's brothers worry that now that Jacob is gone, maybe Joseph will be mad at them again for that whole "faking his death and selling him into slavery" prank. So they tell Joseph that Jacob told them that he needs to forgive them. Joseph tells them not to worry since it all seems to have worked out pretty well.

Joseph lives 110 years, long enough to see his great great great grandchildren. Before he dies he reminds everyone about God's promise to bring them up out of Egypt and asks that when that happens, to please bring his bones with them. He dies and they embalm him and put him in a coffin.

Genesis Chapters 31 - 33: Jacob Goes Home

Jacob has now been working for Laban for 20 years and he decides he's had it up to his eyeballs. He's also noticing that Laban has caught on to his little trick with the speckled sheep and goats. So he pulls his wives aside and says, "Ladies, your dad's getting a leeeeeetle annoyed with me, so we need to get the heck out of Dodge. It's not MY fault that God made my spotted sheep so completely incredible, so I don't really know why he has his linens all in a twist, but that's the way it is. So grab your stuff, because we're leaving."

Family road trip!

They pack up the camels to go while Laban is out of town sheering his inferior white sheep. They take off, with all the speckled sheep and Jacob's accumulated wealth. Without anyone else's knowledge, Rachel also swipes Laban's household gods and slips them into a saddlebag.

Three days later Laban returns and sees that Jacob and his daughters are gone. Not only that, his idols are missing! He gives chase and as he draws near, God warns him in a dream to not to ask Jacob any leading questions.

Laban catches up and says, "Jacob! C'mon man, why'd you leave? If you would have just told me we'd have had a sweet going away party! The way you left, you made this look like you're kidnapping my daughters and running off with my property. I could rightfully have your head for stealing my daughters and my household gods, but you're pretty lucky that your God told me not to. So just hand over the stuff and no one gets hurt."

"Yeah," Jacob replies, "I guess that was kind of silly of me, but really I just wanted to be able to keep your daughters and I was worried that you'd make them stay. But I can tell you for sure that I most certainly did NOT take your idols. If you can find the person that took them, you're absolutely welcome to kill them."

Laban goes through all the tents and doesn't find the idols anywhere. He searches the camels and comes to the one that Rachel is sitting on with the idols hiding under the saddle. He tells her to get off the camel so he can look.

"Dad," she says. "I have my period. I can't get off the camel right now. But you can look around me if you like."

This is universally embarrassing to men, especially your own father. You can be sure he didn't look too closely.

"Yeah, I don't see them anywhere. Huh. Wonder where I left them..."

Jacob totally loses it and yells at Laban. "See? I told you so! And here you are chasing me half way across the holy land accusing me of taking your stupid gods after I've busted my ass for you for twenty years. I took good care of your animals the whole time, even though you switched daughters on me, changed my wages and screwed me over at every turn. I only profited from this whole thing because God loves me, not because you've done anything to help me. That's why God told you to not lop off my head last night. So take your stupid scrawny white sheep and go home."

"Ok ok! Geez, calm down," says Laban. "Let make a pact right here. We'll build a big pile of rocks and call it Jegar-sahadutha."

"Sure," says Jacob, "but Jegar-sahadutha is a stupid name. I want to call it Galeed."

"Fine. Galeed."

They eat dinner at the pile o' rocks and agree that one side is Jacob's and the other side is Laban's and no one can cross this line to do the other person harm.

The next morning, Jacob and his wives continue home. He's a little worried that Esau might still be really mad about that whole inheritance and stolen blessing thing, so he sends some messengers ahead to go find Esau and tell him that he's on his way home and has lots of stuff.

The messengers return and say that Esau is coming to meet him. And he has 400 men with him. And strangely... no other details. Was he happy to hear that Jacob's coming home? Did he look angry? 400 men with weapons or a large catering crew? Nope. No details. Just that he's on his way with either a large angry mob or a party revelers and well-wishers.

He divides up his people and goods into two camps, figuring if one gets attacked at least the other will get away, and prays that he doesn't get killed.

To appease his potentially angry brother and his army, he makes a gift of hundreds of sheep and goats and camels and cows and donkeys. He sends them ahead in little groups with instructions to say that the animals are for Esau from Jacob and that Jacob will be on his way shortly.

He takes his wives and children and sends them across a stream in a different direction, leaving him alone. Suddenly a man appears and begins wrestling with him. The wrestle all night long and when the man realizes he isn't winning, he touches Jacob's hip socket, dislocates his leg, and asks to be let go.

"No way," says Jacob. "Not unless you bless me. And maybe fix my leg because that hurts like crazy."

"Ok," says the hip-dislocating man. "What's your name?"

"Jacob."

"Alright. Your name isn't Jacob anymore. It's Israel."

"Thanks. And what's your name?"

"None of your bee's wax," says the man, and blesses him.

It seems that Jacob at this point realizes that this is not just some ordinary man, but God. And he limps back to camp on his hurt leg only to see Esau and his 400 men approaching.

He gathers his family and approaches his brother, bowing repeatedly.

Esau runs up and gives him a great big hug and they have a good cry (Jacob probably from relief since he thought he was going to get killed). Esau looks behind Jacob and says, "So introduce me to the family!" Jacob introduces everyone.

"And, brother, what's with all the animals I met on the way? Really? You can't give me all those!"

"No, no, Esau. They're yours."

"Jacob I have plenty of animals, really. Keep them."

"Esau, please. I truly insist. It's the least I can do." And Esau gives in and accepts the animals, and offers to lead Jacob and his camps to his home. But Jacob says that they're all really tired.

"You go on ahead and we'll follow you slowly to Seir."

"Ok," says Esau, "but let me leave you some of my men to help you out."

"Nah, I got people of my own."

Esau goes to Seir, expecting his brother to follow him. But Jacob decides to go to Succoth instead and builds a house and stables for his animals, then travels to Caanan and the city of Shechem.

So what could have been a really nice story of brotherly reconciliation turns into an awkward reunion and another parting of ways.

Genesis Chapters 10 - 14: Abram Travels the World

Bring on the begats!

First is a list of Japheth and Ham's descendants. They have lots of kids and they all live a long time.

"Wow. That's a really nice tower! These people have some

 ambition.... Hmmm.... maybe a little too much."

Their people start spreading out and some of them decide to build a tower to show how awesome they are and make a name for themselves. God comes and sees this and thinks it's a bit much.

So he goes and scrambles up their language so that they can't talk to each other and make such ambitious plans, and he scatters them all away from the city they were building.

Next is a list of Shem's descendants. On and on. Lots of kids, everyone lives a long time. But kind of less and less time with every generation. After eleven generations, we get to Abram (eventually known as Abraham) and Abram's nephew Lot.

Abram's father, Terah, takes Abram, Lot, and Sarai (Abram's wife) and travels toward Caanan. But they stop in Haran and Terah dies there. God tells Abram to keep going to Caanan, so he and Lot and Sarai pack up and go. In Caanan, God tells Abram that he'll give this land to his descendants and Abram builds an altar there.

And then he keeps on walking... all the way to Egypt.

Abram is worried that the people there will see how beautiful his wife is and kill him and steal her away, so he tells her to lie and say she's his sister. And of course, the Pharaoh thinks she's beautiful and takes her to be his wife. And he treats Abram nicely and gives him livestock and slaves because he thinks he's the pretty lady's brother.

God brings down some nastiness on Pharaoh and he realizes that it's because Sarai is Abram's wife. He yells at Abram for lying to him and tells them to take their stuff and go.

The moral (?) of the story: It's ok to lie and let your wife be carried off by a king to save your own skin. You might even get very wealthy in the process! Totally worth it!

Abram, Sarai and Lot and all their male and female slaves and camels and sheep and oxen and donkeys and silver and gold go back to Caanan. Abram and Lot both have tons of stuff and are starting to get in each others' way, so they split up. Lot chooses to go east toward the Jordan Valley toward Sodom. Once Lot is gone, God tells Abram that everything he can see is going to be given to his offspring forever. Abram moves his tent to Hebron and builds an altar.

It would make a good movie.

Lot's decision to go to Sodom is a poor one. There are quite a few wars going on and Sodom and Gomorrah get overrun by four allied kings. Lot and his family and possessions get taken away by the enemy. Abram hears of this and takes 318 trained fighting men and rescues Lot and all his people from the four kings. I wish there was more detail about this against-all-odds rescue.

Abram returns and the priest-king of Salem blesses Abram and Abram gives him a tenth of everything. The king of Sodom offers Abram all the spoils of his conquest (except for the slaves... the king wants those). Abram declines so no one can say that the king made him rich, but he tells the other people who fought with him to take their share.