Exodus 25 - 31: God Does Interior and Fashion Design

This got a little long.  I tried to whittle it down while still giving the sense that God's details for all this is REALLY specific.  He gives a lot of measurements and instructions for how the curtains should be hung and details for decorative elements.  He micromanages.

"Guess what!" says God. "I thought up some more stuff I need you to do for me!"

"Um, alright," says Moses. "What do you need?"

"I want everyone to give me something so we can build a tabernacle and a whole lot of other stuff. Here is my wish list: gold, silver, bronze, blue, purple and red thread, twined linen, goat hair, tanned ram skins, goat hides, acacia wood (that stuff gets you crazy high), lamp oil, fragrant spices, onyx stones and other stones so we can make a breastplate.."

Moses writes all this down. "Ok," he says. "Anything else?"

"Oh I have really specific instructions," God says. "Have a seat."

"First of all," God starts off, "I'm giving you these tablets so they'll need a storage chest so no one drops them. Make this ark of acacia, all covered in gold, with some gold rings on the corners so you can put some poles through them to help people carry it since it's going to be really heavy and so holy that no one should touch it. For the lid, I want a mercy seat with a couple of angels facing each other. After that, you won't have to come all the way up this mountain any more. I'll just talk to you from there."

"I really appreciate that," says Moses.

"I also want an acacia table covered in gold, as well as a set of pure gold dishes. And I want a fancy gold lampstand with spots for seven candles. Oh, and we're going to need a really big tent... a tabernacle. It needs to have curtains made with that blue, purple and red thread and linen woven in a design with little angels on it, and a roof made of goat hair curtains, all held together with loops and bronze clasps. Make the frames and beams of acacia wood covered with gold, and the frames should sit on silver bases."

"Isn't that going to be really big?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I'm just getting started!" says God. "I want a blue, purple, and red veil with more angels on it separating the ark from the rest of the tabernacle. And a door screen from the front of the tabernacle made of more red, blue and purple all embroidered so it's pretty, with an acacia wood frame. Cover that frame with gold too. And we need an altar. Build that of acacia wood covered in bronze, with horns on all four corners of the top. Make some pots and utensils of bronze for it. And poles for carrying it and all that. Oh this is going to be awesome!"

"And really hard to travel with..."

"Oh there's more! We need a courtyard for the tabernacle, made of more of that cloth and bronze pillars and bases and silver hooks. And we need a lamp for Aaron and his sons to watch over all night every night, so we need oil."

"He's not going to like that," Moses says warily.

"We'll make him and his priests some nice clothes," says God. "A nice linen apron with those nice red, blue and purple threads. And in the middle of that, a gold breastplate set with stones. Two onyx stones engraved with Israel's 12 son's names in order, and then 12 gemstones all set in fancy gold settings, each carved with a name. We'll call it the Breastplate of Judgment! Aaron will like that! Set that breastplate in blue fabric and trim it in pomegranates and bells and colored fringe."

"Won't the pomegranates go bad?"

"Nah! I'm God. I'll take care of it. Get him a nice turban and attach a gold signet saying "Holy to the Lord" on his forehead. That way I remember not to kill him when he goes in to do all the holy stuff by the altar and ark. And get him a nice checkered coat and a sash. And his sons will get coats and sashes and caps. AND UNDERWEAR! Yes... long underwear. Can't go all dangling around under those robes."

"Oh underwear is a good idea," Moses says.

"Yeah, one of my better inventions right there. So we'll need a ritual for consecrating these priests. bring them their outfits, anoint them with oil, then sacrifice a bull while they lay their hands on its head. Rub the blood on the horns of the altar, pour the rest on the base, and burn the entrails and liver and kidneys with the fat on the altar, but drag the rest outside camp and burn it. Then kill a ram while everyone holds their hands on its head, splash the blood on the sides of the altar and then burn the whole thing on the altar. Then take ANOTHER ram and kill it and dab the blood on each of the priests right earlobes, on their right thumbs, and on their right big toes. Then splash the rest of the blood on the sides of the altar. Then take some of the blood on the altar, mix it with oil, and splash it on the priests and their new clothes."

"This sounds really messy," Moses says. "And frankly, horrifying.  The whole splashing blood all over the place thing is kind of freaking me out."

"I'm not done. From that second ram, take the fat and the long lobe of the liver and the kidneys and the right thigh, a loaf of bread, a cake of oil bread, and a wafer of unleavened bread, and put them in the priests hands and wave them around for a while. Then put them on the altar and burn it. Then wave the breast of the ram around for a while. That part is yours. The rest is for Aaron and his sons. Boil it in a holy place and then eat that and the bread. Burn any leftovers in the morning. Then burn a bull every day for seven days and I'll recognize them as priests. After that, just burn two lambs a day, along with some wine and oil and flour.  And I want incense and a table to burn it on, but it's ONLY for incense.  Nothing else on it.  I know this is a lot of furniture to lug around, but do it."

"This is expensive you know."

"Yeah.  We'll have to tax everyone a half a shekel every time we do a census.  Flat tax.  Now back to the stuff we need.  A bronze basin for washing up.  If you don't wash your hands and feet before you make an offering, I kill you.  And we need oil and incense.  Use the oil for anointing all the holy stuff and priests.  I think that's all the stuff we need."

"And who exactly is going to make all this?" asks Moses.

"Bezalel from the tribe of Judah is pretty good at building stuff.  Oholiab can help him out.  And everyone else can help with making clothes and candle holders and all that good stuff.  But remember to observe the Sabbath.  Work six days, rest on the seventh.  OH!  And I almost forgot.  Here are those stone tablets."

Moses sighs and picks up the tablets.  "Ok.  I better go down and get everyone working on this."