Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Leviticus 15 - 17: Festering Sores and Telling Your Sins to a Goat

"Now," says God, "About oozing sores..."

"Dude!" cries Aaron, gagging. "Can't we just assume they're unclean?"

Moses nods in agreement. "Yeah, I think that just goes without saying."

Seriously, it's just gross.

"Ok, but everything he touches is unclean too... beds and furniture and saddles pot and pans," says God. "And anyone who touches the stuff is unclean and needs to take a bath. And if the unclean person spits on a clean person..."

"Really?" says Moses. "That happens so often that we need a specific rule about unclean people spitting on clean people? With all the other bazillion rules we have so far, can't we just have a general one that says 'no spitting'?"

God sighs. "No. I'm not making a general 'no spitting' rule. Anyhow, if the person's pus clears up and the ooze is gone for seven days, then they can take a bath and do some laundry and have the priest sacrifice some birds for a sin offering and a burnt offering. And if the man has an emission of semen he should take a bath and do laundry and be unclean until evening."

"I can't believe we are talking about this!" yells Aaron. "Of course he's going to do laundry. Who wants to walk around with his clothes all crusty?"

"And if a man lies with a woman they have to wash themselves after and be unclean until evening."

"Oh, that's my favorite kind of unclean," says Moses, nudging Aaron and winking.

"I know, right!" says Aaron, laughing and punching Moses in the shoulder.

"Both of you stop it!" yells God. "What are you? Twelve? When a woman has her period, she's unclean, plus anything she sits on is too, and if you touch it you have to take a bath. And if you have sex with her, then you're unclean for seven days!"

"Not a problem," Moses giggles. "It's a good thing we all have more than one wife and concubines and everything, eh?"

"You guys are a pain in my ass!" says God. "I'm making another rule so you have to atone for your sins and childish behavior. Aaron, remember how I killed your sons for coming near me?"

"No," says Aaron. "But I clearly remember you killing my sons for burning incense..."

He's also Nightcrawler's father...

"Yeah, burning incense near me. So now every year on the tenth day of the seventh month you need to do a sin offering and a burnt offering and dress in your linens. Then you have to take two goats and cast lots over them... one of the goats is for me, and the other is for Azazel," says God. "My goat gets sacrificed.  Take the other goat and put your hands on its head and tell it all your sins... everything that you and all of the people have done wrong.  That goat gets run out of camp into the wilderness as a scapegoat to carry your sins to Azazel."

"Wait... Azazel? Who is that?" asks Aaron.

"He's really bad news," says God.

"Gee... Can you tell us more about him?" says Moses.

"No," says God. "I'm not even going to mention him by name ever again after this. So go sacrifice a bunch of sin offerings and burnt offerings like I told you before, and set that other goat free after you confess everyone's sins over it. You have to do this Day of Atonement every year, in the seventh month on the tenth day."

"Furthermore," he adds, "anyone that kills an ox or a goat or a lamb and doesn't offer it to me is guilty of bloodguilt and will be cut off from his people! No more sacrificing animals in the fields and offering them to other gods! All your animals are belong to me! And no eating blood! It's mine for splashing around!"

"Yeah I still think that's really weird, but if that's what you want, you got it," says Moses. "You're the boss."

"You got that right," says God.

Leviticus 12 - 14: Dealing with Girl Cooties and Leprosy

"Speaking of unclean," says God, "having babies is a messy business. Really gross. So when a woman has a baby, she'll be unclean for a while. If she has a boy, she'll be unclean for seven days. On the eighth day that boy needs to be circumcised. Then she'll be unclean for another 33 days. Even worse for a girl... she'll be unclean for 2 weeks, then another 66 days. Then at the end of that she'll have to bring a lamb for a burnt offering and then some birds for a sin offering. The priest will burn those up and she'll be clean."

"And then we can... you know..." Moses asks, embarrassed.

"Yeah," says God. "Let's change the subject.  I have a lot to say about leprosy. Aaron! Come over here! You need to know this stuff."

Aaron comes back over and sits to learn the latest medical information on leprosy.

"Once in a while someone will have a spot on their skin. If the hair on the spot is white and the spot is more than skin deep, then it's leprosy. If the hair isn't white or the spot is just skin deep, make that person stay at home for a week, then look at it again. If it hasn't spread, shut that person up for another seven days and look at it again. If it's faded, it's ok.... that person can go have a bath and they're clean. But if it spreads, it's leprosy!"

"EW!" says Aaron. "Why do I have to do this?"

That's just loss of skin pigmentation.  No problem.

"Because I haven't invented medical schools yet," says God. "This is the best we can do at this point. If the person has leprosy and is all white from head to toe, he's clean. But if there are any raw spots or swelling, that person is unclean. Examine any boils or burns or disease on the head or beard or any itchy, cruddy stuff on peoples' heads. If it's just dull white on their skin, it's just leukoderma. That's clean."

(Seriously, my Bible says leukoderma. Other versions say eczema, "harmless rash," freckled spot, tetter, blemish, or other sorts of harmless things.)

"What if their hair falls out?" asks Aaron, running his fingers through his own thinning hair.

"Some people lose their hair as they get older," says God. "So unless there's a sore or white skin there, it's just someone going bald."

"Whew," sighs Aaron.

"When you find someone who is leprous, they need to wear ripped clothes and let their hair hang down and cover their upper lip. They have to live alone outside of the camp and when they walk around, they have to yell, 'Unclean! Unclean!' to warn everyone around them."

God continues, "If there's leprosy on some clothes..."

"Wait, what?" asks Aaron. "Leprosy on clothes?"

"Yeah. You know... green or red stuff growing on clothes."

"I think that's mold," says Aaron.

"NO!" yells God. "It could be leprosy! You have to shut the clothes up in a room and then look at it after a week and see if it spreads! If it spreads, burn it! If it doesn't, then wash it, shut it up again for another seven days and look at it again. If it spreads or stays the same, burn it. But if it's faded, rip the moldy part out, and watch it some more. If it's gone then it's ok and someone can wear it."

"But," says Aaron, "now it has a hole in it."

"Let the lepers wear it then," says God.

"Well then why bother checking to see if it has leprosy in it if the lepers are just going to wear it anyway?" Aaron asks.

YIKES!

"Stop asking questions," says God. "If a leper's disease goes away, you have to go and look at it to confirm that it's gone. Then the leper has to kill a bird and drain the blood into a bowl of water. Then take another live bird and dip it in the bloody water and use the freaked out, flapping bird to splatter the blood on the leper."

"That's horrible!" cries Aaron.

"Leprosy is serious stuff," replies God. "But then you can let the bird go, so it's not too bad. Then the leper has to take a bath, and after a week shave all the hair off his body and take another bath. Then kill a couple of lambs, some oil and grain and do a guilt offering, sin offering, and burnt offering. Dab the blood around and the oil goes on his head. If he's poor and can't afford so many lambs, he can substitute other things."

"If there's red or green leprous spots in the walls of a house..."

"Leprosy in the walls?"

"YES!" yells God. "Leprosy can be in walls. Shut the house up for seven days and go look at it again. If it's spread, gut the house and throw any affected rocks and plaster out of the camp. If the house gets it again after it's been repaired, the whole thing needs to be torn down. But if it seems to be gone, do the whole bird cleansing routine and the house is clean."

"Ok is that all the gross stuff I need to know about?" asks Aaron.

"Oh no!" says God. "Next we'll discuss bodily discharges."

"Lovely," says Aaron.