Exodus 19 - 23:19 Ten Commandments and 42 Other Rules No One Remembers

Three months after leaving Egypt, the Hebrews come to Mt. Sinai. The people camped at the bottom of the mountain while Moses went up for a strategy and planning meeting with God.

God says, "Listen. You need to go and remind these people all the bad stuff I brought down on the Egyptians, and that I brought them out of slavery and they need to listen to me and obey me. I'm going to lay down some rules and they're need to follow them. If they do that, they'll be my #1 holy people. If not... well..."

Moses goes down and tells the people what God said. "Yeah, no problem Moses," say the people.

Moses goes back up the mountain. "They said ok."

"Good," says God. "I'm going to appear to you as a thick cloud in a few days so the rest of the people can finally meet me. So tell everyone to wash up and consecrate themselves and be presentable. And tell the not to touch my mountain until I blow my trumpet, or I'll kill them right dead."

So everyone washes up and in three days a giant thundering cloud rolls down the mountain, scaring the heck out of everyone. Moses leads them all out to meed God.

"Stay here," he reminds everyone, and goes up to find out what to do next.

"Hey, Moses," says God. "Go get your priests and come back up here."

"But.... you said they can't come up or they'd die."

"Oh yeah. Well, go get Aaron then. But the priests and the people have to stay away." Moses goes back down the mountain.

And God lays down some rules:

1. NO other gods

2. NO worshiping idols or other graven images

3. NO taking my name in vain

4. NO working on the Sabbath

5. Honor your parents

6. NO killing (unless I say it's ok)

7. NO adultery

8. NO stealing

9. NO lying

10. NO wishing you had your neighbor's stuff

The people see all this as thunder and lightning and and trumpets and are terrified and stand far off from the mountain. They say to Moses, "Hey, you be the messenger. You go talk to God and come back and tell us what he says, but we want to stay right here. He's scary."

"No, no, really he's cool. He's just trying to scare you so you obey him."

"Yeah, we're staying here. You go," the people say. Moses (and I presume Aaron since God told him to go get him) go back up the mountain into the cloud to talk to God.

"Alright, listen up," says God. "There are more rules:

1. No gods of silver or gold, like I said before;
2. Make a rough stone altar for sacrifices everywhere that I reveal myself to you. But don't build steps up to it because I don't want you revealing yourself to me. I can see right up your robes;
3. If you buy a slave, he is free after working for you for six years. If he's single when he starts, he should be single when he leaves. Same if he's married. If you give him a wife, and she has children, you get to keep the wife and children when he leaves. If he refuses to leave, you can keep him as your slave forever, but mark him by running an awl through his ear so people know;
4. If someone sells their daughter as a slave, she won't be set free after six years. She better please her master; if not, he can sell her back. He can't sell her to foreigners though... that would be wrong. If he buys her for his son, treat her like your daughter. If he takes her as a wife and then gets another wife, you can't reduce her food or clothing or marital rights - if you don't do those three things, then she can leave;
5. If you kill a man on purpose, then you die. But if it was my will for it to happen, then I'll appoint a place for you to flee. So "No killing unless I say it's ok." Such as...
6. If you strike your mother or father, you die;
7. If you steal a man and sell him, whoever is in possession of that man dies;
8. If you curse your mother or father... again, you die;
9. If you hit someone and severely injure them, you're responsible for making sure he gets better and covering his expenses while he's incapacitated;
10. If you kill your slave, you shall be punished. But not if the slave lives a couple days and then dies. So if you need to kill a slave, make sure he suffers a few days;
11. 
    
    If you beat a pregnant woman so much that she miscarries, but she is otherwise ok, her husband can fine you. But if there is harm to her, then you shall pay likewise. So if the she dies, you die. If she is crippled, then that part of you gets crippled;
12. If you beat a slave and he loses an eye or a tooth, he gets to go free. Remember that if you're slowly killing them in rule 10;
13. If your ox kills someone, that animal needs to be killed and not eaten. The owner isn't liable beyond that unless that ox has been known to be vicious in the past. If that's the case, both the ox and the owner die. If the ox kills a slave, then the ox dies and you pay the slave's owner 30 shekels;
14. If you dig a pit and someone else's animal falls in it, you pay for the animal but the animal is yours;
15. If your ox kills someone else's ox, then you pay for it and you and the dead ox's owner share the meat. But if your ox was known to be vicious, then you don't get to share;
16. If you steal an ox or sheep and eat it, then you owe that person more animals back - 5 ox for an ox or 4 sheep for a sheep;
17. If someone breaks in your house at night and you kill him, it's ok. But if it happens during the day, you can't kill him. The thief need to pay restitution to you (and double if the stolen animal is found in his possession), but if he can't pay, you can sell the thief into slavery;
18. If you let your animals eat someone else's crops, you need to pay for that;
19. If you start a fire and it burns someone else's crops, you need to pay for that;
20. If you have someone store or keep something for you and it's stolen and then found, then the thief shall pay double. If it isn't found, then the judges will have to sort it out;
21. If you have a neighbor keeping your animals for you and they die or go missing, the person keeping the animals needs to swear that they didn't do anything wrong and the owner needs to accept that. But if it was stolen, he owes him double;
22. If you borrow something and break it or it dies, then you pay the owner back;
23. If you seduce a virgin and sleep with her, she's yours. You have to pay her father for her. If her father refuses to give her to you, then you still have to pay for her at whatever the going rate is for virgins;
24. No sorcery or you die;
25. Leave the sheep alone. You sleep with an animal, you die;
26. No sacrifices to other gods;
27. Be nice to strangers, widows, and fatherless children. If you're mean to them, I'll kill you;
28. If you lend money to poor people, you can't charge them interest. If you take their robes or cloak as collateral, you need to return it to them at night. If they get cold because you didn't, then I'll know about it;
29. Don't talk smack about me or your rulers;
30. Sacrifices need to be made in a timely manner;
31. Don't eat dead animals you find in the field;
32. Don't lie in order to get someone out of trouble or into trouble;
33. If you see an enemy's animals loose, return it. If you see an enemy's animal struggling under a burden, help it;
34. Don't get involved in lies and rumors, and don't kill innocent people. Wait... I think I already said that. I'm starting to repeat myself...
35. Be nice to travelers and immigrants;
36. Rotate your crops. Plant a field for six years and then let it rest for a year. Let poor people eat what they can find there;
37. Work six days, rest on the seventh;
38. Make no mention of the names of other gods;
39. Have three feasts a year. You have the Feast of Unleavened Bread, Feast of the Harvest at the beginning of the harvest, and Feast of the Ingathering at the end of the harvest;
40. No offering blood sacrifices with anything leavened, and don't leave fat from feasts out overnight;
41. I get the best offerings at the start of the harvest;
42. And finally... don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk."

"Is that it?" asks Moses.

"For now."

Exodus 16 - 18: You'll Eat It and You'll Like It

So they walk. And they walk more.

They start to run low on food, and again, the people turn to Moses and said, "You brought us out here to die! This is all your fault!"

Moses asks God what to do and he tells him, "Alright I'll make bread come down from the sky. Everyone needs to go and get a day's worth every morning. And on the sixth day, get enough for two days."

Moses tells this to the people and adds, "Guys, I'm not really in charge here. God is. So if you're complaining against me, your really complaining against him. So watch your mouth, ok?"

That evening God sends a ton of quail and they have a lovely quail roast for dinner.

In the morning, when the dew evaporates, there's powdery white stuff on the ground. It looks like coriander, but tastes like honey wafers. But still, it's white stuff on the ground and not what people would usually think of as food.

The people look at it suspiciously. "What the heck is this?"

"Oh, that's manna," says Moses. "Eat up. But don't leave any of it on the ground."

The people took some of it but left some on the ground, and as the day wore on it grew worms and stank.

"Folks," Moses says, "You really, really need to follow directions here. You're starting to piss me off."

On the sixth day he reminds them to gather what they need for the seventh day, and prepare it so that they won't have to do anything on the seventh day. "This seventh day is a Sabbath," says Moses. "No working. None. Really important."

Regardless, on the seventh day the people went out to look for the food. And God yelled at Moses, "Your people are really horrible at listening. I told you to tell them to not work today!"

"I know! I know! I'm trying, I swear."

Aaron put some manna in a jar and put it on the altar as a souvenir and reminder of their journey. The people ate manna for 40 years. It's like God's People Chow.

So they walk. And they walk some more.

They run out of water and the people start to complain again. "You brought us out here to die! This is all your fault!"

"I told you to quit complaining!" says Moses. "But let me check."

"God," he says, "They're ready to stone me. I need water, now."

"See that big rock over there? Go whack it with your staff and water will come out of it."

Moses whacks the rock and everyone gets a drink. Problem solved.

While they were there, Amalek (a band of wandering nomads, possibly one of Esau's grandsons) attacks them. Moses gives orders, "Get some people to fight. Aaron, Hur, and I going to go stand on that hill over there with my magic God stick."

Sadly, there is no Guinness Record for holding your arms up

The Israelis fight while Moses watches. Moses raises his stick and Israel starts winning. He lowers his stick and the Amalekites start winning. He does this for a while. At first it's kind of fun but then his arms get tired. So Moses sits down on a rock and Aaron and Hur hold his arms up for him until they win the battle.

God says, "Write this story down and we'll blot out the memory of Amalek forever."

"Wait, how is writing if down going to blot out the memory of Amalek? Wouldn't that work better if we didn't write it down? Besides, my arms are tired."

"Stop asking questions!"

Moses builds an altar and says, "The Lord will have war with Amalek forever and ever, throughout our generations!" (Which isn't exactly blotting out anyone's memory either.)

At some point that isn't entirely clear, Moses's wife Zipporah took their two sons and went back to her father, Jethro. But Jethro hears all about Moses's successes getting the people out of Egypt and he and Zipporah and the boys travel out to meet him. They spend some time catching up and sacrifice some burnt offerings and eat manna.

In the morning Moses sat to deal out judgements to the people. Jethro says, "That's a big job for one person. Why are you doing this all alone?"

"God told me to," says Moses. "People have a conflict or a question and they come to me and ask what God wants and I help them sort it out."

"That's ridiculous!" says Jethro. "You should find some trustworthy men, teach them the statutes and God's word, and then let them be representatives. They can decide all the silly trivial stuff and you just handle the big important things."

"That's a GREAT idea!" says Moses. So he sets up a system of representatives to lighten the burden of all the judging. Jethro stays for a while and then goes home.

Exodus 12 - 15: I said, "or ELSE!"

God tells Moses and Aaron that this is pretty much a new beginning for them, a whole new era.

"On the tenth of this month, everyone needs to get themselves a perfect male lamb." God says. "And on the fourteenth of the month, everyone needs to kill their lamb at twilight. Put the blood on the door posts and above the door, then roast the lamb up with its head and innards and eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs. Oh, and eat it wearing your belt and with your sandals on and while you're holding your staff in your hand. And eat it really fast. I'm going to come and kill the first born son of anyone who isn't doing this, so if you're doing it I'll pass over your house... so we're calling it Passover."

God goes on. "This is going to be a tradition we do every year, forever. For seven days you're going to only eat unleavened bread, so on the first day, get all the leavened stuff out of the house, just in case, because if you eat it you're cut off from Israel. The first day and the seventh day are both holy, so no work should be done except for making food if you need it."

Moses passes the information on to the rest of the Hebrews and they get ready with their lambs and blood and bread.

And sure enough at midnight of the Passover, God comes and smites all the first born of all the Egyptians.

Finally Pharaoh comes to his senses and says, "Ok get the hell out. But bless me first."

They pack up quickly, and ask the Egyptians for jewelry and clothing and the Egyptians give it to them. At this point there are about 6000 men, plus women, children, livestock, and a "mixed multitude" of non-Israeli camp followers.  They only have unleavened bread because even after ten plagues and constant begging to be allowed to leave, they haven't prepared any provisions for the trip.

So after 430 years, the Israelis leave Egypt. God tells Moses a few additional rules: Passover is only for you and slaves of your household. No foreigners or uncircumcised people. Though if there's a stranger with you who really wants to, that's fine as long as he's circumcised first. And all first borns are mine, whether man or beast. I get the first born male of all the animals, though every first born of a donkey you need to redeem with a lamb. If you can't do that, you need to break the donkey's neck. Sons need to be redeemed too.

God doesn't take them on a direct route back since that would mean going through the land of the Philistines and he doens't want them freaking out about wars and fighting and running back to Egypt. So he takes them on the scenic route, via the Red Sea, leading them with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. They come out of Egypt fully equipped for battle, with Joseph's bones in tow since they promised to bring those along, too.

They get to the sea and God tells Moses to make camp, facing the water. "I have one last trick for Pharaoh," he says.

Pharaoh doesn't seem to have really good short term memory skills regarding the reason the multiple plagues were brought down on them and the fact that everyone's first born son is now dead. "Hey," he thinks. "Did we just let all our slaves go? What a dope I am!" So they all hop in their chariots and chase them down.

The Israelis see them coming and say to Moses (for the first of many times to come), "You brought us out here to die! This is all your fault!"

It's a long movie but this is a good part.

"No! Watch!" says Moses. "God is going to save us."

"Dude," says God. "Don't cry to me. Tell your people to move forward, lift that magic staff up, and part the sea."

"Seriously? I can do that?"

"Yes. Get a move on. The Egyptians will chase you and then when you're safely across.... BAM!"

The pillar that is leading them all moves behind them to block the Egyptians and Moses lifts his staff and parts the sea.

The Israelis rush through the gap easily, but the Egyptians get all bogged down and their horses and soldiers panic and want to go back.

God tells Moses, "Ok.... NOW!"

Moses raises his staff and the waters rush back in, drowning the Egyptian army.

"Awesome," says Moses. "We can go home now, right?"

"Um... sure," says God.

Moses and the people sing a song to God, led by Aaron's sister, Miriam the prophetess and her tambourine.

The next morning they travel on and for three days they find no water. And when they do find it, it's bitter and foul tasting.

The people have already had enough. "You brought us out here to die," they say to Moses. "This is all your fault!"

"God, what now?" asks Moses. God shows Moses a log and Moses tosses it into the water. The water became good to drink.  Barberry wood will make brackish water taste better.

 God told them, "Listen. If you follow the rules I set down for you, do what is right in my eyes, and just TRY to have a little faith, then you won't get any of the diseases and afflictions that the Egyptians get."

They walk a little further and find a nice place called Elim with 12 fresh springs and 70 palm trees and set up camp.

Exodus 5 - 11: Let Us Go, Or Else!

Note:  Sorry this is so long, but it just all goes together...

Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and ask if they could all take a three-day trek into the wilderness for a sacrifice and feast.

Pharaoh says, "HA! Get back to work. Know what? Work just got harder. We're not going to give you straw for your bricks anymore. Get your own damn straw. Oh, but we still need just as many bricks. Hop to it. Those pyramids don't build themselves yanno."

They start gathering straw and complain, "This sucks. Why are you doing this to us?"

Pharaoh answers, "Hey, you have time for feasts, you have time to get straw."

Moses says to God, "I told you this wasn't going to be easy. You're mean to us."

"Now, now," says God. "Not so fast. I'm listening, and I'll get you out. Patience. Go tell him to let you go."

"Sigh, fine, but I don't know why he's going to listen to me. I'm not even circumcised."

"Hey, don't worry. I'll tell you what to say. But no, it's not going to be easy. He's not going to let you go. I thought I told you that. So when you go in, show them that trick where you turn the staff into a snake."

Moses and Aaron go in to Pharaoh and ask him to let them go. Aaron tosses his staff down and it turns into a snake.

"Cool trick," says Pharaoh, summoning his court magicians. They all toss their staffs down and they turn into snakes too. But Aaron's snake eats all their snakes.

"Yeah, know what?" says Pharaoh. "Get back to work. And you owe us all staffs."

"Ok, ok," says God to Moses as he's leaving the Pharaoh's house. "Time for plan B." And he whispers the plan.

The next morning Moses goes out to the Nile while Pharaoh is there washing up. He reaches out his staff and touches it to the water and all the water turns to blood, all the fish die, and the water is undrinkable.

"Take that," says Moses.

"Big deal... my magicians can do that too," says Pharaoh.

Seven days later Moses visits Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or you'll be plagued with frogs!"

"Frogs?" says Pharaoh. "Whatever. Get back to work."

You think it's no big deal until they're all over the place.

Aaron stretches out his staff and the land is suddenly covered with frogs. But Pharaoh's magicians can do the same, so Pharaoh is not impressed.

But he is annoyed. "Alright, listen," he says, kicking a frog off his foot. "You get rid of these damn frogs and I'll let you guys go have your feast."

So Moses calls out to God and the frogs all die. They pile them all in big smelly heaps.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

So Aaron strikes the dust of the ground with his staff and causes a plague of gnats. The Pharaoh's magicians try to make gnats, but they don't know this trick. They suggest that maybe Pharaoh might want to take these guys a little seriously. Pharaoh says, "Meh. It's just gnats. Not like it's flies or locusts or anything."

Moses goes to Pharaoh the next day and says, "Let us go or I'll cover your people with flies." The next day all the Egyptians are plagued by flies.

Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron. "Hey, how about you guys hold your feast right here and get rid of these flies?"

"No can do," says Moses. "We need to go three days away for our sacrifices to be acceptable."

"Fine. Take your walk. But get rid of the flies."

Moses asks God to get rid of the flies and they all disappear.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

Moses tells Pharaoh, "If you don't let us go, all your animals will die tomorrow. But all ours will be ok."

"Yeah right," says Pharaoh, and the next day, all the Egyptian's animals die.

"You guys suck," says Pharaoh.

The next day God tells Moses and Aaron to take handfuls of ashes and throw them in the air. They do this and suddenly all the Egyptians are covered in boils.

"Not funny," says Pharaoh.

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring down a giant hail storm."

"Pttt, whatever," says Pharaoh and the next day the hail comes down and destroys trees and crops and kills everyone who is outside. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the hail and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the hail.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next morning Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, "Let us go, or tomorrow I'll bring locusts."

Pharaoh's servants plead, "This is getting just plain silly. Let them go."

"Fine," says Pharaoh. "The men can go have their feast."

"Oh no," says Moses. "We all have to go. Kids and wives too. It's a family thing."

"Screw that," says Pharaoh. "Just the men, or no feast."

BUGS!!!

So Moses brings down locusts on the Egyptians. Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Alright alright! Stop the locusts and I'll let you go!"

Moses goes out and stops the locusts.

"Thanks," says Pharaoh, "but I changed my mind. No feast."

The next day God tells Moses to bring on darkness. He raises his staff and everything becomes dark. After three days Pharaoh calls them in and says, "Ok, you can all go have your sacrifices and feast with your families, but leave your livestock here."

"No," says Moses. "We need all those. You know... for the burnt offerings. God likes those so we might need all our animals."

"No deal," says Pharaoh.

God pulls Moses aside. "Ok," he says. "Time to play hardball."

"Pharaoh," says Moses, "if you don't let us go, the firstborn of every Egyptian household will die, including firstborn slaves and cattle. But our people will be fine."

"Do your worst," says Pharaoh.

Exodus 1 - 4: Meet Moses

After a while a new Pharaoh comes to power. He looks around and says, "These Hebrews... they took our jobs!"

So they decide to give them all the really undesirable jobs and then not pay them. They went from well-off to slavery.

The Pharaoh also told all the midwives, "When the Hebrew women have children, kill all the boys." The midwives refused and when the Pharaoh asked why they told him, "They give birth really fast... by the time we get there, the baby's already been born." So the Pharaoh commanded all the boy Hebrew babies to be chucked into the Nile.

Levi's wife has a son and she hides him for a while, but hiding a squalling infant is no easy task. She builds him a little boat and puts him in the river. Pharaoh's daughter comes along and finds him, hires a nanny, and names the baby Moses.

Moses grows up. One day he is walking among his people to see how they are doing and he notices an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave. He looks around, doesn't see anyone watching, clubs him, and buries him in the sand.

The next day he's out for another walk and he sees two Hebrews fighting.

"Hey," he says, "What's going on here?"

"None of your business," one replies. "And anyway, what are you going to do, Killer? Murder us like you did that Egyptian? Yeah, we know what you did."

Moses realizes that word has gotten out, and Pharaoh has heard of it, so he flees to Midian. When he gets there, he sees the Midianite priest's seven daughters trying to draw water from a well. Some shepherds were harassing them and he runs them off and helps the ladies water their flock. They return home and tell their father about the nice Egyptian man that helped them. The priest, Jethro, invites him over for dinner, gives him one of his daughters to marry, and Moses stays with them.

God, in the meantime, sees how the Hebrews are being treated by the Egyptians and remembers that promise he'd made to bring these people back to Canaan. He thinks it's about time to make good on that.

While Moses is watching over his father-in-law's flock in Midian, he sees a bush on fire, but notices that the bush itself isn't really getting burned in the process.

"What the heck is that all about?" he says and walks over to investigate.  If this is an acacia tree (which are mentioned frequently in the Bible) it is interesting to note that this tree contains a very powerful hallucinogenic substance.

Duuuuuuude....

God calls to him, "MOSES!"

"Aaahh! I'm right here! No need to yell."

"Sorry. Take your shoes off and don't come any closer because this place is holy. This is God talking by the way. Not just some ordinary bush. The Hebrews have been crying to me and I see that this new Pharaoh has made you all into slaves. That won't do. I'm going to bring you all back up to your own land. I want you to go talk to Pharaoh and then I need you to lead them all out of here."

"Me? Why me?" says Moses.

"Oh, I'm totally going to help you," says God. "Don't worry."

"How am I going to get all these people to follow me? How on earth am I going to get them to believe me?"

"Seriously? You tell them that I AM GOD. They'll listen to that. Tell them that we're going home and that home will be awesome, all milk and honey and stuff. But listen,"God continues. "Pharaoh isn't just going to let you walk off. So I'm going to do a lot of really neat and scary stuff to them and convince him to let you out of here."

"God, I really don't think they're going to believe all that," says Moses. "I mean, I was raised by Egyptians. I'm kind of an outsider around here."

"Alright," says God. "Now for my first trick. Throw your staff on the ground."

"Um, ok?" Moses tosses his staff on the ground. BAM! It becomes a snake, and Moses freaks out and runs away.

"Moses get back here," says God. "Watch. Catch it by the tail, ok?"

Moses catches the tail and BAM! It becomes a staff again.

"Ohhh...."

"See," says God. "They'll believe you if you show them that one. Now let's try another one. Put your hand in your robe and then take it out."

Moses puts his hand in his robe and then draws it out again, only to see it's leprous.

Before Moses totally loses it, he says, "Ok now put your hand back in your robe." Moses does and when he takes it out, it's healed. God says, "Only do that one if they don't believe the snake trick, because the leprous sores trick might not win you many friends."

"God, I really don't want all this responsibility," says Moses, "and I suck at public speaking. Can't you pick someone else?"

"Fine," says God, who is getting a little aggravated. "Here comes your brother Aaron. I'll have him help you."

Moses says goodbye to Jethro and goes back down the Egypt with his wife and son. On the way, God reminds him to show Pharaoh the snake and leper miracles. And he tells him to relay the message that if he doesn't let the Hebrews go that God will kill his firstborn.  Moses's wife realizes that they totally forgot to circumcise one of their sons, so she does that on the trip.  They meet up with Aaron and Moses and Aaron talk to the people of Israel and they believe them.

Genesis 43 - 50: Hey, Let's All Go to Egypt!

Jacob and his sons and their families eventually eat all the food that they'd brought up from Egypt.

Jacob suggests that they maybe should go down and see about getting some more.

"Dad," they say, "you know he said we need to bring Benjamin down with us. So that's the only way we're getting anything else."

"You stupid knuckleheads, why did you have to go and blab about having another brother?"

"Well... he asked us," they reply. (If you go back a couple chapters, he didn't ask... they just kind of mentioned it.) Judah says, "Listen I promise he'll be fine. If you'd let me do this back when we got back I could have gone back and forth twice already."

"Alright, alright... take the kid. And take some other stuff... nuts and perfume and honey and some gum... everyone likes gum. And for crying out loud, don't forget to pay the man this time! Take extra money just in case."

They again travel all the way down to Egypt. Joseph sees them arrive and prepares a feast and tells his people to bring the travelers up to his house. His brothers are nervous because they think maybe they're in trouble for not paying the last time they were here and they try to explain the situation to Joseph's people.

"Ohhhh no, you're fine," says Joseph's steward. "You paid me. God must have put that money in your sacks. Amazing, right?"

They bring Simeon up from the jail, and everyone washes up for dinner. Joseph comes in for lunch and makes some small talk, asking about their father and such. But he gets a little overwhelmed with emotion at seeing Benjamin and has to step out a moment and compose himself before dinner.

After they eat, Joseph tells his steward, "Make sure they have food, then put their money back in their sacks. And here... take my cup that they know is mine and put it in Benjamin's sack. Don't let anyone see you."

Just after they leave, Joseph sends the steward after them. "Accuse them of stealing my cup. Really scare them, ok? Freak them out good.  This is going to be hilarious!  We'll all laugh about it later."

The steward catches up to them and yells at them. They deny taking anything, but a search turns up the cup in Benjamin's sacks. Busted. Back to Egypt they go.

They fall down in front of Joseph and beg forgiveness. Joseph replies, "Yeah, only the person who had it has to stay with me and be my servant. So the little one stays.  The rest of you can go home."

Jacob is not going to like it at all if they return without Benjamin. Judah tries to explain to Joseph how much this will hurt their father if Benjamin doesn't go home and he offers himself as a servant instead.

Joseph can't stand it anymore and bursts into tears. He sends all his servants out and when they're alone, he says, "DUDES! It's ME! JOSEPH! The one you sold into slavery! But hey, it's fine. Because if you hadn't sold me, I wouldn't have been here to interpret the Pharaoh's dream about the famine. Because of that, there's all this stored up food. So see? If I hadn't come here, we all would have died. God did that. Cool, right? So buzz back up to Canaan, tell our father that I'm down here, and bring the whole family down. We Hebrews are just going to fit right in here in Egypt! The Egyptians are awesome people. They love us!"

Pharaoh hears that Joseph's brothers are visiting him and agrees. "Oh look at your family! I'm so happy to meet you all!  You must bring everyone here and I'll give them the best of all we have.  I insist!"

I hate moving...

They load up the donkeys with a ton of stuff to prove the goodwill of the Pharaoh and with provisions for the trip to Canaan and then the return trip back to Egypt. They go and pick up Jacob and their wives and kids and families (all 70 of them) and make the trip back to Egypt. On the trip, God tells Jacob that they will be a great nation and, not to worry... that he will bring them up out of Egypt... eventually. And everything will be just fine.

Joseph meets up with them in Goshen and is reunited with his father. He tells them all, "I'm going to tell Pharaoh that you guys are all shepherds. So if he happens to ask, remember that. He'll give us the area of Goshen. Egyptians don't really like shepherds so we'll be ok here."

Pharaoh gives them Goshen and they settle there.

The famine continues and times get worse. People run out of money to buy food. Joseph tells the Egyptians that come for food that he'll take livestock in exchange for food. For a whole year he collects livestock in exchange for food.

The people run out of animals to trade. They start to give him their land for Pharaoh in exchange for food, and all the people become Pharaoh's servants. Joseph gives them seeds and tells them to sow this land, but that Pharaoh shall always get a fifth of the harvest. They agree.

Jacob's family does well in Goshen and accumulate wealth. Jacob grows old, and at 147 years, calls Joseph to him. "Promise me you'll bury me in Canaan." Joseph promises that he will. Jacob blesses Joseph's two sons and Joseph. Joseph sees that Jacob's right hand is on the younger son's head and tries to switch it over to the older son's.

"Nope, sorry," says Jacob. "Your younger son will be greater."

Then everyone gathers around Jacob as he's dying and Jacob tells them what's going to happen:

Reuben won't be the leader because he slept with that concubine. Simeon and Levi killed all those people after Dinah was raped and are too violent and rash to lead.

Judah will be praised by all his brothers and his descendents will be a strong tribe.

Zebulun will be a sea merchant and his area will be a harbor for ships.  Issachar will work hard and till the soil.  Dan will be a judge of the people of Israel.  Gad will be plagued by raiders, but he'll win in the end.  Asher's food will be really good and they'll be a rich people.

Naphtali is the pretty one.  Joseph is still my favorite.  Benjamin will be a great warrior.

And he dies. Joseph has the Egyptians embalm him and they mourn him for 70 days. Joseph asks Pharaoh for permission to go bury his father in the cave in Canaan. Everyone, including Pharaoh and all the elders of Egypt make the trek to bury Jacob.

Joseph's brothers worry that now that Jacob is gone, maybe Joseph will be mad at them again for that whole "faking his death and selling him into slavery" prank. So they tell Joseph that Jacob told them that he needs to forgive them. Joseph tells them not to worry since it all seems to have worked out pretty well.

Joseph lives 110 years, long enough to see his great great great grandchildren. Before he dies he reminds everyone about God's promise to bring them up out of Egypt and asks that when that happens, to please bring his bones with them. He dies and they embalm him and put him in a coffin.

Genesis Chapters 40 - 42: Joseph's Dream Interpretation Gig Pays Off and He Messes with His Brothers

A note:  I am hoping to finish writing Genesis by the end of the month.  I am currently about 25% of the way through reading the Bible (I'm on 2 Samuel).  This just takes longer to write it.  The Bible will be read in a year.  I suspect the blog will take longer.

After Joseph's been in prison for a while, the Pharaoh’s chief cup bearer and chief baker get thrown in jail. They end up in Joseph's section.

While they're there, they have terrible dreams on the same night (I can imagine that I would also have terrible dreams while in prison). Joseph sees them and asks, "Hey, why so glum? Well, other than for being in prison and all, but you look especially glum today."

They tell him that they have both had terrible dreams.

"Oh I love interpreting dreams! Tell me what they were!"

The cup bearer starts, "There was this vine with three branches and all these grapes grew out of them. And I took them and squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and gave it to Pharaoh." (Horrible nightmare, that one.)

Joseph says, "Oh, ok, the three branches are three days, and in three days the Pharaoh will get you out of here and restore you to your position as cup bearer. Hey, when that happens, tell him that I'm innocent and put in a good word for me so I can get out of here."

The baker, seeing that the cup bearer's dream was positive says, "Mine next! So in my dream I had three baskets on my head, all filled with delicious baked goods. But the birds kept flying over and eating the stuff out of the top basket."

"Oh, that's bad," says Joseph. "The three baskets are three days, but in three days, Pharaoh is going to chop your head off and hang it from a tree and the crows are going to eat you as you rot."

"Shit," says the baker.

And in three days, which happened to be Pharaoh's birthday, the cup bearer was restored to his position at court, but the baker was hanged. Unfortunately, the cup bearer completely forgets to tell Pharaoh about Joseph.

I'm so hungry I could eat a cow.

Two years pass and Pharaoh has a dream that he was standing by the Nile and seven nice fat cows came out of the river and started feeding on the reeds. Then seven ugly skinny cows came out of the river, walked over to the nice cows and ATE them, but after they'd eaten them, the skinny cows were just as skinny as before. He wakes up, says, "Wow, weird dream. I need to lay off the hummus before bed."

He falls back asleep and has another dream. In this dream, seven big, beautiful ears of grain were growing on one stalk. And then seven scrawny thin ears sprouted nearby and gobbled up the seven healthy ears.

He wakes up again and says, "Really weird. Maybe it means something." And in the morning he calls all his magicians and wise men to him, but no one can figure out what it means.

Then the cup bearer suddenly remembers. "Pharaoh, there was a Hebrew guy down in the prison that's really good at this... What was his name...? Jimmy... John... NO! Joseph! Man, I wonder if he's still even down there... I suck at remembering stuff."

Pharaoh summons Joseph out of the prison. They clean him up and send him out and Pharaoh tells him his dreams.

"Oh that's an easy one! See the dreams are the same. The seven nice cows and seven nice ears of grain are both seven years. And the seven skinny cows and skinny ears of grain are seven years of famine. God's telling you that this is going to happen. So you're going to have seven really good years, and then seven years of famine that will consume everything from the good years. You should have someone in charge of preparations and store a fifth of everything now while it's good so that when the famine comes, everyone doesn't die."

Pharaoh says, "Wow, you are good! Ok, you're in charge of all that. Know what? I'm just going to put you in charge of my whole household." And Pharaoh dresses Joseph up and parades him all around Egypt to let everyone know that this guy is his Number One. He gives him a wife and promises to consult him about everything. During the good years, Joseph stores up tons of food, so much that they lose track of the stores. His wife bears two sons.

After seven years, the famine arrives. But Egypt has so much stored that they do alright. Even other countries come to Egypt for food because they've prepared so well.

Jacob (aka Israel, but we're calling him Jacob again now) hears that there's food in Egypt and tells ten of his sons to go down and see if they can get some grain. Benjamin, the youngest, stays behind.

They get to Egypt and bow in front of Joseph. Joseph recognizes them, and remembering his dream about the sheaves of grain bowing before him, says, "You're spies. You just came to see how much the drought has affected us."

"No, we're not spies," they say. "We're twelve brothers coming to buy food. "

"No you're spies. And not even good spies since there's only ten of you."

"Yeah, the youngest is at home and the other one.... died."

"I still say you're spies. I'm holding you here until your youngest brother comes to Egypt. I'll send one of you back home to go get him." And he tosses them all in jail for three days to mull it over.

In three days Joseph comes back and says, "Ok maybe I was a little harsh. I'll just hold one of you. The rest of you go back with grain and supplies, then you send the last brother over here and then I'll believe you."

The brothers talked among themselves and they start feeling a little guilty about selling Joseph to the Egyptians (though they really don't know that this is Joseph standing in front of them). Reuben says, "See I told you guys not to be jerks. Now we're all going to pay for that little stunt."

Joseph keeps Simeon and loads up their donkeys with grain and traveling supplies and sends the rest of the brothers on their way back to Canaan. They pay him for everything, but while no one is looking, Joseph puts each man's money back into the sacks.

On the trip home, one brother opens a sack to feed his donkey and notices the coins are there. "Oh no! Did I forget to pay? This is bad."

They get home and tell Jacob everything that happened. They unpack and realize that ALL their money is in the sacks. Jacob yells at them, "You fools! Joseph is dead, now Simeon probably is or will be, and you want to take Benjamin down there to die too. No way. Not gonna happen. Idiots."

Reuben says, "Listen, if I take Benjamin down and they kill him, you can kill my two sons. That's fair, right?"

"No," Jacob says. "Absolutely not."