Numbers 5 - 9: Last minute rules before we FINALLY hit the road

"Back to business," says God. "Anyone who has leprosy as I outlined back in Leviticus, they have to stay out of the camp. Don't want to go starting an epidemic or anything."

"Yep," says Moses, "we've kicked them all out."

"Good," says God. "Now, anyone who commits a sin and then realizes that they've committed a sin has to confess and then make it right, plus twenty percent added for damages. And if the person they've wronged doesn't have any next of kin, the payment goes to the priest. Plus they have to sacrifice a ram for atonement."

"But what if they don't realize they've committed a sin?" asks Moses.

"What? Oh...," says God. "Um... I guess if they don't realize it, it means that you didn't explain the sins clearly enough to them. It's pretty straightforward."

"Not really," says Moses. "It's an awful lot to remember and some of it is pretty random."

"You want random?" says God angrily, "I'll give you random. If a man suspects that his wife is cheating on him, or even if he's just jealous, he should bring that cheating whore and a grain offering down to the temple. The priest will mix up all the dust and ash and disgusting bits from around the temple floor, mix it with water and force her to drink this cursed water. If she cheated, the water will make her womb swell and her thigh fall away and make her miscarry and make her barren forever. But if she hasn't cheated then nothing bad will happen. But no matter what happens, the man isn't ever at fault."

"Yep. That's pretty random," says Moses. "What else?"

"If someone wants to be extra-holy, they can take a special Nazirite vow. Men and women can both do this. They can't drink wine or eat anything made with grapes or cut their hair or go near a dead body, even if it's a close family member."

"What if he's standing there and someone standing next to him just suddenly keels over dead?" asks Aaron.

"Hm." God thinks a bit and says, "Well then he would have to shave his head, then shave it again seven days later, then sacrifice a couple of birds and a lamb, and then he has to start all over. All that time before that he was being extra-holy doesn't count. And then, when he's done being extra holy, he has to sacrifice a male lamb, a ewe, and a goat, grain offerings, bread offerings, and drink offerings. Then he has to shave his head in the temple and burn his hair on the altar. He can offer more if he can afford it, but that's the minimum."

Aaron's blessing is essentially "Live Long and Prosper"

"I thought of a poem," God continues. "Tell Aaron to tell everyone this blessing."

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”


(According to wiki, this Priestly Blessing is the oldest known biblical text.)

In preparation to leave, the twelve tribes consecrate the temple. Each tribe sacrifices animals and gives tribute, one tribe per day for 12 days. When Moses goes into the tent of meeting afterward, the voice of God speaks to him from over the mercy seat of the ark.


"Set up the lamps and consecrate the people from the Levites so that they can serve me, since they are mine," says God. Moses and Aaron get everyone consecrated and ready to serve.


God continues, "Levites don't have to serve me forever. They can retire at 50. And by retire I mean they're demoted to guard duty."

They then celebrate Passover.

While the tabernacle is set up, there is a column of cloud over it all day long and an pillar of fire over it all night.  Whenever the cloud disappears, the people pack up and continue on their trip.  If it stays over the tabernacle, they stay where they are.

Numbers 1 - 4: Add It Up

"A census?" asks Moses. "Can't we just say there's a lot of us and that we've been out of Egypt for over a year and everyone is getting a little bit impatient to be on our way?"

"No," says God. "I want a census of everyone by family. But I'll cut you some slack... just count the men over 20. And don't bother counting the Levites. They're in charge of taking care of the tabernacle and all my stuff, so I see them more often."

One... two.... three....

It takes a couple of days, but they eventually count 603,550 men. God arranges them in the camp so that everyone has a space of their own under their own family banner, with the tabernacle in the middle. He assigns each of them a place in the procession for when they finally leave for Israel. Aaron and his sons (minus the two that were struck by lightning for burning incense) are to serve as priests.

God calls Moses back over. "Ok, now I want you to list the Levites."

"But I thought we didn't have to count them," Moses complains.

"Oh, you'll count them," says God menacingly. "And just for questioning me, you have to count ALL of the males, ages one months and up."

So they go and count the Levites, and report back that there are exactly 22,000.

"Really? A nice round number like that?" asks God. "What are the chances..."

"Well, you work in mysterious ways," says Aaron.

"That I do," says God. "That I do. Ok, now I want you to go and count all the first born sons in all of Israel, a month or older."

"Oh, seriously?" says Moses. "Why didn't you tell us before? We could have asked that when we did the first head count!"

"I only just thought of it," says God.

They go back through the entire camp and return with a count of 22,273 first born males.

God considers this. "Hey, that's pretty close to the number of Levites. So I'll just take the Levites as my workers, but go collect some silver from the other 273 first born sons to make up the difference and give that to Aaron and his sons. Now I want you to go and count the family of Kohath from the Levite clan. Tell me how many males there are between the ages of 30 and 50."

"Again?" asks Aaron. "We already went through that whole family. If we'd had a questionnaire or something we could have gathered all this information at once."

"I think you'd have figured out by now that I am just winging this," says God. "The Kohath family is going to be in charge of the ark and setting up and taking down and carrying all the most holy things. If they touch the holy things or even look at them they'll die. And alright, while you're at it, count the other families too. The Gershons are going to be in charge of carrying all the curtains and goat skins, and the Merari family is in charge of the bars, pillars, and bases."

Again, Moses and Aaron take a head count and report back with 2,750 Kohathites, 2,630 Gershons, and 3,200 Merari.

Leviticus 24 - 27: Wrapping up the rules of conduct

"Alright, let's wrap up all the loose odds and ends that I forgot to mention," says God. "Or I might have mentioned and then forgot... I may repeat some stuff."

"We're getting used to it," says Moses.

"Tell all the people to bring olive oil for the lamps," says God. "And, Aaron, keep the lamps arranged nicely. It really has to look nice. And make some bread and arrange that along with it. It should look like a photo shoot from Bon Appetite, all the time."

Suddenly Moses hears a disruption coming from the camp. He and Aaron excuse themselves and go check it out, and find the half-Egyptian son of an Israeli woman in a heated argument with an Israeli man. In this argument, the woman's son swore and used God's name in a way that was not so very nice. Moses brings him back over to God to figure out what to do with him.

Good fun

"Throw rocks at him until he's dead," says God.

"Really?" asks Moses. "Kill him?"

"Did I stutter?" says God. "Blasphemy is punishable by death. Everyone gather around and grab a stone. Aim for the head."

"Oh my God... I can't believe this," says Aaron under his breath, looking away.

"What?" asks God.

"Oh... I said, 'Where's my rod... I'm going to need it,'" says Aaron.

"Mmmm hmm."

After the stoning is done and the guy is dead in a bloody heap on the ground, God continues. "Anyone who kills someone else shall be put to death. And if you poke out someone's eye, they get to poke your out. And if you knock out someone's tooth, they get to knock yours out too. And if you kill someone's animal you have to pay for it."

Aaron leans over to Moses and whispers, "Are you sure about this?"

"Shhh... land of milk and honey, remember?" he replies. "We gotta take our chances."

"Listen up!" yells God. "When we get to where I'm going, you'll work and harvest for six years. But in the seventh year, you won't sow or harvest anything."

"What will we eat?" asks Aaron.

"The land will provide enough for you to eat," says God. "After six years everything should be pretty well-established and will be able to grow on its own for a year. It's not a miracle or anything. And every fiftieth year it will be a Jubilee year that you spend with your family. If anyone has sold their land because they needed the money, that land gets returned to them on that year. That way no one person gets too much wealth and power over their poorer neighbors."

"That sounds like... SOCIALISM!" says Aaron.

"What's socialism?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I don't really know," says Aaron. "I just heard someone else say it."

"If someone has sold land and then is able to buy it back, they can do it sooner. But regardless, they will get it back at the Jubilee," says God. "The only exception would be land in a walled city. You only have a year to buy it back and that doesn't get returned at the Jubilee. But any unwalled villages or fields get returned to their original owners or face my wrath."

"You also need to support your poor neighbors, as long as they're Israeli" God continues. "Let them live with you. Don't charge him interest on loans and don't charge him for any food you give him. He can work for you in exchange for food, but at the Jubilee they get to go home to their own land. Any non-Israelis can be bought and sold as slaves."

God sighs. "Let's see... what else... No idols... keep my Sabbath... observe all those commandments. Do all this and you'll be unstoppable and I'll bless you forever."

"Awesome," says Moses.

"BUT!" God continues, "Don't do these things and you will seriously regret it. You'll have panic attacks and hives and wasting disease and all kinds of heartache. You'll lose all your battles, I'll send wild animals to eat your babies, plagues and famine. And you'll be so hungry you'll eat your own children. I'll destroy all your cities and your children (the ones that haven't been eaten) will move away and they'll live in fear always unless they apologize for their sins and make amends."

"Oh, hey, is this where that 'atheists eat babies' joke comes from?" asks Aaron.

"Yeah, sure," says God. "And some people are worth more to me than others. And I should get a tenth of everything you produce. And them's the rules, folks."

"Great!" says Aaron. "Let's get on with this road trip."

"Oh, don't be hasty," says God. "I need a head count."

Leviticus 20 - 23: More Rules and Some Feasts

God continues laying out the rules. "Like I said a little bit ago, no child sacrifices to Molech. If anyone sacrifices kids to Molech, they should be stoned."

"Well, really, you'd have to be stoned out of your mind to do something as awful as that," says Aaron.

"No, you idiot," says God. "Throw stones at them until they're dead."

"I thought we weren't supposed to kill anyone," says Moses.

"Only if I say otherwise," says God. "And no mediums or necromancers. They get put to death too. Again... unless I say so, because I might change my mind later if I need to."

"All those sex things I told you about earlier... having sex with someone that's not your wife, having sex with your father's wife or any relatives or men or animals... that's all punishable by death," says God. "Some of those other things, like a man seeing his sister naked or having sex with his wife while she has her period... for that you just get cut off from your people. And if someone has sex with their aunt or sister-in-law, then they'll be childless."

"Ok, ok," says Moses. "We get it."

"You do all these things I told you, and you'll have a great time in this land that I am taking you to. You don't, that land will spit you right back out like a bad tomato."

"Aaron," says God, "I have special priest instructions for you and your sons. They need to remain clean, unless there's a death in your close family, then they can be unclean. You guys need to be an example since you're the ones in charge of all the sacrificing and burnt offerings to me, so you need to follow those rules closely. No marrying whores or divorced women or anything that might make someone raise an eyebrow. If you have a daughter who acts like a little slut, then she needs to be burned."

No, really.  Totally acceptable.

"Wow, wait... what?" says Aaron. "Burn my daughters? I thought we weren't supposed to burn our children."

"You can't burn them as SACRIFICES to Molech," says God. "This isn't a sacrifice. It's punishment for bringing shame on your family. Totally different thing."

"Ohhhhhh... wait. No," says Aaron. "It's really the same thing."

"Moving on," says God, "The chief priest can't let his hair hang loose or tear his clothes. He can't leave the sanctuary, even if his parents die. And his wife has to be a virgin, and not a foreigner."

God turns to Moses. "Tell your brother that any of his generations that has a blemish or is disabled or has serious injury to his hands or feet or is a dwarf or has crushed testicles or scabs cannot offer the sacrifices to me. They can eat the sacrifices but they can't come through the veil or approach the altar because I don't want to look at that. No one that is unclean can offer sacrifices until they are clean. No lay person or travelers can eat the holy things. But if a priest buys a slave, that slave can eat holy things.

"I'm serious about the blemishes. I don't want animals that are blemished either. I'm not taking your leftovers. I want the best of whatever you have."

Moses turns to Aaron and says, "God told me to tell you...."

"I know," says Aaron. "I'm standing right here. I heard him say it."

"Hey, lets have some feasts," says God. "No working on the Sabbath. So you all get a day off. And then we'll have Passover, where you'll just eat unleavened bread for seven days while you make sacrifices to me."

"How exactly is eating unleavened bread a feast?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I didn't say it was a feast for you," says God. "Feast for me. I get all the sacrifices. Same with the harvest. Sacrifice some grain and some food and wine to me. You can't eat until I have that sacrifice. Then 99 days after that, I want another grain offering, seven lambs, a bull and two rams. And a goat as a sin offering. And two more lambs as a peace offering. And hey, don't reap your fields right up to the edges. Leave some for the poor people and the travelers.

God continues, "Then on the first day of the seventh month we'll have another rest day where we blow some trumpets as a memorial. I'd like a food offering on that day too. Nothing fancy though. On the tenth day of that month, you need to afflict yourself and feel horribly guilty and give me another food offering. Anyone who doesn't do this will be cut off, and anyone who dares work on this day will be destroyed."

"On the fifteenth day of the seventh month..."

"Man," says Moses, "We're going to be really busy in this seventh month."

"Yeah, it's my favorite month," says God. "For seven days from the fifteenth, you offer me food sacrifices. The first and last days of this time are for resting, but the days in the middle are for feasting and rejoicing."

"Oh finally," says Aaron.

I do like camping.

"And you have to dwell in booths for those days," God adds.

"Booths?" asks Moses.

"Yes. Booths," says God.

"Why booths?" asks Aaron.

"So everyone will remember how it was when I brought you out of Egypt," says God. "So, like for now, keep doing what you're doing since you're living in booths anyway. But later, when we get to where we're going and build houses and stuff, you'll have to go camping once a year for a week."

Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Leviticus 15 - 17: Festering Sores and Telling Your Sins to a Goat

"Now," says God, "About oozing sores..."

"Dude!" cries Aaron, gagging. "Can't we just assume they're unclean?"

Moses nods in agreement. "Yeah, I think that just goes without saying."

Seriously, it's just gross.

"Ok, but everything he touches is unclean too... beds and furniture and saddles pot and pans," says God. "And anyone who touches the stuff is unclean and needs to take a bath. And if the unclean person spits on a clean person..."

"Really?" says Moses. "That happens so often that we need a specific rule about unclean people spitting on clean people? With all the other bazillion rules we have so far, can't we just have a general one that says 'no spitting'?"

God sighs. "No. I'm not making a general 'no spitting' rule. Anyhow, if the person's pus clears up and the ooze is gone for seven days, then they can take a bath and do some laundry and have the priest sacrifice some birds for a sin offering and a burnt offering. And if the man has an emission of semen he should take a bath and do laundry and be unclean until evening."

"I can't believe we are talking about this!" yells Aaron. "Of course he's going to do laundry. Who wants to walk around with his clothes all crusty?"

"And if a man lies with a woman they have to wash themselves after and be unclean until evening."

"Oh, that's my favorite kind of unclean," says Moses, nudging Aaron and winking.

"I know, right!" says Aaron, laughing and punching Moses in the shoulder.

"Both of you stop it!" yells God. "What are you? Twelve? When a woman has her period, she's unclean, plus anything she sits on is too, and if you touch it you have to take a bath. And if you have sex with her, then you're unclean for seven days!"

"Not a problem," Moses giggles. "It's a good thing we all have more than one wife and concubines and everything, eh?"

"You guys are a pain in my ass!" says God. "I'm making another rule so you have to atone for your sins and childish behavior. Aaron, remember how I killed your sons for coming near me?"

"No," says Aaron. "But I clearly remember you killing my sons for burning incense..."

He's also Nightcrawler's father...

"Yeah, burning incense near me. So now every year on the tenth day of the seventh month you need to do a sin offering and a burnt offering and dress in your linens. Then you have to take two goats and cast lots over them... one of the goats is for me, and the other is for Azazel," says God. "My goat gets sacrificed.  Take the other goat and put your hands on its head and tell it all your sins... everything that you and all of the people have done wrong.  That goat gets run out of camp into the wilderness as a scapegoat to carry your sins to Azazel."

"Wait... Azazel? Who is that?" asks Aaron.

"He's really bad news," says God.

"Gee... Can you tell us more about him?" says Moses.

"No," says God. "I'm not even going to mention him by name ever again after this. So go sacrifice a bunch of sin offerings and burnt offerings like I told you before, and set that other goat free after you confess everyone's sins over it. You have to do this Day of Atonement every year, in the seventh month on the tenth day."

"Furthermore," he adds, "anyone that kills an ox or a goat or a lamb and doesn't offer it to me is guilty of bloodguilt and will be cut off from his people! No more sacrificing animals in the fields and offering them to other gods! All your animals are belong to me! And no eating blood! It's mine for splashing around!"

"Yeah I still think that's really weird, but if that's what you want, you got it," says Moses. "You're the boss."

"You got that right," says God.

Leviticus 12 - 14: Dealing with Girl Cooties and Leprosy

"Speaking of unclean," says God, "having babies is a messy business. Really gross. So when a woman has a baby, she'll be unclean for a while. If she has a boy, she'll be unclean for seven days. On the eighth day that boy needs to be circumcised. Then she'll be unclean for another 33 days. Even worse for a girl... she'll be unclean for 2 weeks, then another 66 days. Then at the end of that she'll have to bring a lamb for a burnt offering and then some birds for a sin offering. The priest will burn those up and she'll be clean."

"And then we can... you know..." Moses asks, embarrassed.

"Yeah," says God. "Let's change the subject.  I have a lot to say about leprosy. Aaron! Come over here! You need to know this stuff."

Aaron comes back over and sits to learn the latest medical information on leprosy.

"Once in a while someone will have a spot on their skin. If the hair on the spot is white and the spot is more than skin deep, then it's leprosy. If the hair isn't white or the spot is just skin deep, make that person stay at home for a week, then look at it again. If it hasn't spread, shut that person up for another seven days and look at it again. If it's faded, it's ok.... that person can go have a bath and they're clean. But if it spreads, it's leprosy!"

"EW!" says Aaron. "Why do I have to do this?"

That's just loss of skin pigmentation.  No problem.

"Because I haven't invented medical schools yet," says God. "This is the best we can do at this point. If the person has leprosy and is all white from head to toe, he's clean. But if there are any raw spots or swelling, that person is unclean. Examine any boils or burns or disease on the head or beard or any itchy, cruddy stuff on peoples' heads. If it's just dull white on their skin, it's just leukoderma. That's clean."

(Seriously, my Bible says leukoderma. Other versions say eczema, "harmless rash," freckled spot, tetter, blemish, or other sorts of harmless things.)

"What if their hair falls out?" asks Aaron, running his fingers through his own thinning hair.

"Some people lose their hair as they get older," says God. "So unless there's a sore or white skin there, it's just someone going bald."

"Whew," sighs Aaron.

"When you find someone who is leprous, they need to wear ripped clothes and let their hair hang down and cover their upper lip. They have to live alone outside of the camp and when they walk around, they have to yell, 'Unclean! Unclean!' to warn everyone around them."

God continues, "If there's leprosy on some clothes..."

"Wait, what?" asks Aaron. "Leprosy on clothes?"

"Yeah. You know... green or red stuff growing on clothes."

"I think that's mold," says Aaron.

"NO!" yells God. "It could be leprosy! You have to shut the clothes up in a room and then look at it after a week and see if it spreads! If it spreads, burn it! If it doesn't, then wash it, shut it up again for another seven days and look at it again. If it spreads or stays the same, burn it. But if it's faded, rip the moldy part out, and watch it some more. If it's gone then it's ok and someone can wear it."

"But," says Aaron, "now it has a hole in it."

"Let the lepers wear it then," says God.

"Well then why bother checking to see if it has leprosy in it if the lepers are just going to wear it anyway?" Aaron asks.

YIKES!

"Stop asking questions," says God. "If a leper's disease goes away, you have to go and look at it to confirm that it's gone. Then the leper has to kill a bird and drain the blood into a bowl of water. Then take another live bird and dip it in the bloody water and use the freaked out, flapping bird to splatter the blood on the leper."

"That's horrible!" cries Aaron.

"Leprosy is serious stuff," replies God. "But then you can let the bird go, so it's not too bad. Then the leper has to take a bath, and after a week shave all the hair off his body and take another bath. Then kill a couple of lambs, some oil and grain and do a guilt offering, sin offering, and burnt offering. Dab the blood around and the oil goes on his head. If he's poor and can't afford so many lambs, he can substitute other things."

"If there's red or green leprous spots in the walls of a house..."

"Leprosy in the walls?"

"YES!" yells God. "Leprosy can be in walls. Shut the house up for seven days and go look at it again. If it's spread, gut the house and throw any affected rocks and plaster out of the camp. If the house gets it again after it's been repaired, the whole thing needs to be torn down. But if it seems to be gone, do the whole bird cleansing routine and the house is clean."

"Ok is that all the gross stuff I need to know about?" asks Aaron.

"Oh no!" says God. "Next we'll discuss bodily discharges."

"Lovely," says Aaron.