Numbers 5 - 9: Last minute rules before we FINALLY hit the road

"Back to business," says God. "Anyone who has leprosy as I outlined back in Leviticus, they have to stay out of the camp. Don't want to go starting an epidemic or anything."

"Yep," says Moses, "we've kicked them all out."

"Good," says God. "Now, anyone who commits a sin and then realizes that they've committed a sin has to confess and then make it right, plus twenty percent added for damages. And if the person they've wronged doesn't have any next of kin, the payment goes to the priest. Plus they have to sacrifice a ram for atonement."

"But what if they don't realize they've committed a sin?" asks Moses.

"What? Oh...," says God. "Um... I guess if they don't realize it, it means that you didn't explain the sins clearly enough to them. It's pretty straightforward."

"Not really," says Moses. "It's an awful lot to remember and some of it is pretty random."

"You want random?" says God angrily, "I'll give you random. If a man suspects that his wife is cheating on him, or even if he's just jealous, he should bring that cheating whore and a grain offering down to the temple. The priest will mix up all the dust and ash and disgusting bits from around the temple floor, mix it with water and force her to drink this cursed water. If she cheated, the water will make her womb swell and her thigh fall away and make her miscarry and make her barren forever. But if she hasn't cheated then nothing bad will happen. But no matter what happens, the man isn't ever at fault."

"Yep. That's pretty random," says Moses. "What else?"

"If someone wants to be extra-holy, they can take a special Nazirite vow. Men and women can both do this. They can't drink wine or eat anything made with grapes or cut their hair or go near a dead body, even if it's a close family member."

"What if he's standing there and someone standing next to him just suddenly keels over dead?" asks Aaron.

"Hm." God thinks a bit and says, "Well then he would have to shave his head, then shave it again seven days later, then sacrifice a couple of birds and a lamb, and then he has to start all over. All that time before that he was being extra-holy doesn't count. And then, when he's done being extra holy, he has to sacrifice a male lamb, a ewe, and a goat, grain offerings, bread offerings, and drink offerings. Then he has to shave his head in the temple and burn his hair on the altar. He can offer more if he can afford it, but that's the minimum."

Aaron's blessing is essentially "Live Long and Prosper"

"I thought of a poem," God continues. "Tell Aaron to tell everyone this blessing."

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”


(According to wiki, this Priestly Blessing is the oldest known biblical text.)

In preparation to leave, the twelve tribes consecrate the temple. Each tribe sacrifices animals and gives tribute, one tribe per day for 12 days. When Moses goes into the tent of meeting afterward, the voice of God speaks to him from over the mercy seat of the ark.


"Set up the lamps and consecrate the people from the Levites so that they can serve me, since they are mine," says God. Moses and Aaron get everyone consecrated and ready to serve.


God continues, "Levites don't have to serve me forever. They can retire at 50. And by retire I mean they're demoted to guard duty."

They then celebrate Passover.

While the tabernacle is set up, there is a column of cloud over it all day long and an pillar of fire over it all night.  Whenever the cloud disappears, the people pack up and continue on their trip.  If it stays over the tabernacle, they stay where they are.

Numbers 1 - 4: Add It Up

"A census?" asks Moses. "Can't we just say there's a lot of us and that we've been out of Egypt for over a year and everyone is getting a little bit impatient to be on our way?"

"No," says God. "I want a census of everyone by family. But I'll cut you some slack... just count the men over 20. And don't bother counting the Levites. They're in charge of taking care of the tabernacle and all my stuff, so I see them more often."

One... two.... three....

It takes a couple of days, but they eventually count 603,550 men. God arranges them in the camp so that everyone has a space of their own under their own family banner, with the tabernacle in the middle. He assigns each of them a place in the procession for when they finally leave for Israel. Aaron and his sons (minus the two that were struck by lightning for burning incense) are to serve as priests.

God calls Moses back over. "Ok, now I want you to list the Levites."

"But I thought we didn't have to count them," Moses complains.

"Oh, you'll count them," says God menacingly. "And just for questioning me, you have to count ALL of the males, ages one months and up."

So they go and count the Levites, and report back that there are exactly 22,000.

"Really? A nice round number like that?" asks God. "What are the chances..."

"Well, you work in mysterious ways," says Aaron.

"That I do," says God. "That I do. Ok, now I want you to go and count all the first born sons in all of Israel, a month or older."

"Oh, seriously?" says Moses. "Why didn't you tell us before? We could have asked that when we did the first head count!"

"I only just thought of it," says God.

They go back through the entire camp and return with a count of 22,273 first born males.

God considers this. "Hey, that's pretty close to the number of Levites. So I'll just take the Levites as my workers, but go collect some silver from the other 273 first born sons to make up the difference and give that to Aaron and his sons. Now I want you to go and count the family of Kohath from the Levite clan. Tell me how many males there are between the ages of 30 and 50."

"Again?" asks Aaron. "We already went through that whole family. If we'd had a questionnaire or something we could have gathered all this information at once."

"I think you'd have figured out by now that I am just winging this," says God. "The Kohath family is going to be in charge of the ark and setting up and taking down and carrying all the most holy things. If they touch the holy things or even look at them they'll die. And alright, while you're at it, count the other families too. The Gershons are going to be in charge of carrying all the curtains and goat skins, and the Merari family is in charge of the bars, pillars, and bases."

Again, Moses and Aaron take a head count and report back with 2,750 Kohathites, 2,630 Gershons, and 3,200 Merari.

Leviticus 24 - 27: Wrapping up the rules of conduct

"Alright, let's wrap up all the loose odds and ends that I forgot to mention," says God. "Or I might have mentioned and then forgot... I may repeat some stuff."

"We're getting used to it," says Moses.

"Tell all the people to bring olive oil for the lamps," says God. "And, Aaron, keep the lamps arranged nicely. It really has to look nice. And make some bread and arrange that along with it. It should look like a photo shoot from Bon Appetite, all the time."

Suddenly Moses hears a disruption coming from the camp. He and Aaron excuse themselves and go check it out, and find the half-Egyptian son of an Israeli woman in a heated argument with an Israeli man. In this argument, the woman's son swore and used God's name in a way that was not so very nice. Moses brings him back over to God to figure out what to do with him.

Good fun

"Throw rocks at him until he's dead," says God.

"Really?" asks Moses. "Kill him?"

"Did I stutter?" says God. "Blasphemy is punishable by death. Everyone gather around and grab a stone. Aim for the head."

"Oh my God... I can't believe this," says Aaron under his breath, looking away.

"What?" asks God.

"Oh... I said, 'Where's my rod... I'm going to need it,'" says Aaron.

"Mmmm hmm."

After the stoning is done and the guy is dead in a bloody heap on the ground, God continues. "Anyone who kills someone else shall be put to death. And if you poke out someone's eye, they get to poke your out. And if you knock out someone's tooth, they get to knock yours out too. And if you kill someone's animal you have to pay for it."

Aaron leans over to Moses and whispers, "Are you sure about this?"

"Shhh... land of milk and honey, remember?" he replies. "We gotta take our chances."

"Listen up!" yells God. "When we get to where I'm going, you'll work and harvest for six years. But in the seventh year, you won't sow or harvest anything."

"What will we eat?" asks Aaron.

"The land will provide enough for you to eat," says God. "After six years everything should be pretty well-established and will be able to grow on its own for a year. It's not a miracle or anything. And every fiftieth year it will be a Jubilee year that you spend with your family. If anyone has sold their land because they needed the money, that land gets returned to them on that year. That way no one person gets too much wealth and power over their poorer neighbors."

"That sounds like... SOCIALISM!" says Aaron.

"What's socialism?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I don't really know," says Aaron. "I just heard someone else say it."

"If someone has sold land and then is able to buy it back, they can do it sooner. But regardless, they will get it back at the Jubilee," says God. "The only exception would be land in a walled city. You only have a year to buy it back and that doesn't get returned at the Jubilee. But any unwalled villages or fields get returned to their original owners or face my wrath."

"You also need to support your poor neighbors, as long as they're Israeli" God continues. "Let them live with you. Don't charge him interest on loans and don't charge him for any food you give him. He can work for you in exchange for food, but at the Jubilee they get to go home to their own land. Any non-Israelis can be bought and sold as slaves."

God sighs. "Let's see... what else... No idols... keep my Sabbath... observe all those commandments. Do all this and you'll be unstoppable and I'll bless you forever."

"Awesome," says Moses.

"BUT!" God continues, "Don't do these things and you will seriously regret it. You'll have panic attacks and hives and wasting disease and all kinds of heartache. You'll lose all your battles, I'll send wild animals to eat your babies, plagues and famine. And you'll be so hungry you'll eat your own children. I'll destroy all your cities and your children (the ones that haven't been eaten) will move away and they'll live in fear always unless they apologize for their sins and make amends."

"Oh, hey, is this where that 'atheists eat babies' joke comes from?" asks Aaron.

"Yeah, sure," says God. "And some people are worth more to me than others. And I should get a tenth of everything you produce. And them's the rules, folks."

"Great!" says Aaron. "Let's get on with this road trip."

"Oh, don't be hasty," says God. "I need a head count."

Leviticus 20 - 23: More Rules and Some Feasts

God continues laying out the rules. "Like I said a little bit ago, no child sacrifices to Molech. If anyone sacrifices kids to Molech, they should be stoned."

"Well, really, you'd have to be stoned out of your mind to do something as awful as that," says Aaron.

"No, you idiot," says God. "Throw stones at them until they're dead."

"I thought we weren't supposed to kill anyone," says Moses.

"Only if I say otherwise," says God. "And no mediums or necromancers. They get put to death too. Again... unless I say so, because I might change my mind later if I need to."

"All those sex things I told you about earlier... having sex with someone that's not your wife, having sex with your father's wife or any relatives or men or animals... that's all punishable by death," says God. "Some of those other things, like a man seeing his sister naked or having sex with his wife while she has her period... for that you just get cut off from your people. And if someone has sex with their aunt or sister-in-law, then they'll be childless."

"Ok, ok," says Moses. "We get it."

"You do all these things I told you, and you'll have a great time in this land that I am taking you to. You don't, that land will spit you right back out like a bad tomato."

"Aaron," says God, "I have special priest instructions for you and your sons. They need to remain clean, unless there's a death in your close family, then they can be unclean. You guys need to be an example since you're the ones in charge of all the sacrificing and burnt offerings to me, so you need to follow those rules closely. No marrying whores or divorced women or anything that might make someone raise an eyebrow. If you have a daughter who acts like a little slut, then she needs to be burned."

No, really.  Totally acceptable.

"Wow, wait... what?" says Aaron. "Burn my daughters? I thought we weren't supposed to burn our children."

"You can't burn them as SACRIFICES to Molech," says God. "This isn't a sacrifice. It's punishment for bringing shame on your family. Totally different thing."

"Ohhhhhh... wait. No," says Aaron. "It's really the same thing."

"Moving on," says God, "The chief priest can't let his hair hang loose or tear his clothes. He can't leave the sanctuary, even if his parents die. And his wife has to be a virgin, and not a foreigner."

God turns to Moses. "Tell your brother that any of his generations that has a blemish or is disabled or has serious injury to his hands or feet or is a dwarf or has crushed testicles or scabs cannot offer the sacrifices to me. They can eat the sacrifices but they can't come through the veil or approach the altar because I don't want to look at that. No one that is unclean can offer sacrifices until they are clean. No lay person or travelers can eat the holy things. But if a priest buys a slave, that slave can eat holy things.

"I'm serious about the blemishes. I don't want animals that are blemished either. I'm not taking your leftovers. I want the best of whatever you have."

Moses turns to Aaron and says, "God told me to tell you...."

"I know," says Aaron. "I'm standing right here. I heard him say it."

"Hey, lets have some feasts," says God. "No working on the Sabbath. So you all get a day off. And then we'll have Passover, where you'll just eat unleavened bread for seven days while you make sacrifices to me."

"How exactly is eating unleavened bread a feast?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I didn't say it was a feast for you," says God. "Feast for me. I get all the sacrifices. Same with the harvest. Sacrifice some grain and some food and wine to me. You can't eat until I have that sacrifice. Then 99 days after that, I want another grain offering, seven lambs, a bull and two rams. And a goat as a sin offering. And two more lambs as a peace offering. And hey, don't reap your fields right up to the edges. Leave some for the poor people and the travelers.

God continues, "Then on the first day of the seventh month we'll have another rest day where we blow some trumpets as a memorial. I'd like a food offering on that day too. Nothing fancy though. On the tenth day of that month, you need to afflict yourself and feel horribly guilty and give me another food offering. Anyone who doesn't do this will be cut off, and anyone who dares work on this day will be destroyed."

"On the fifteenth day of the seventh month..."

"Man," says Moses, "We're going to be really busy in this seventh month."

"Yeah, it's my favorite month," says God. "For seven days from the fifteenth, you offer me food sacrifices. The first and last days of this time are for resting, but the days in the middle are for feasting and rejoicing."

"Oh finally," says Aaron.

I do like camping.

"And you have to dwell in booths for those days," God adds.

"Booths?" asks Moses.

"Yes. Booths," says God.

"Why booths?" asks Aaron.

"So everyone will remember how it was when I brought you out of Egypt," says God. "So, like for now, keep doing what you're doing since you're living in booths anyway. But later, when we get to where we're going and build houses and stuff, you'll have to go camping once a year for a week."

Leviticus 18 - 19: What do gay sex, leftover chicken, and tattoos have in common?

"I've given you some time to compose yourselves," says God to Moses and Aaron. "We have to talk about sex again. Think you can act like adults this time?"

"Maybe," says Aaron, stifling a giggle.

"I want you people to be better than the Egyptians, and better than the Canaanites, whose land we're going to take over, so you have to act like I am telling you," says God. "Don't look at any of your close relatives when they're naked. No sex with your mom, your dad, your father's wife, sisters, brothers, step sisters or brothers, daughters, sons granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, in-laws.... basically anyone in your own family or extended family is now off limits. Frankly there are enough of you now that you can choose someone that's not your relative."

"Fair enough," says Moses.

"And no banging the neighbor's wife. Or having sex with a woman who has her period. Or sacrificing your children to Molech."

"Who is Molech?" asks Aaron.

"One of those Canaanite gods. You think my preoccupation with burnt cattle is weird, he likes burnt children! Dude is messed up!"

God continues, "And no gay sex. In a few thousand years people are really going to latch onto this part of these rules, but for some reason they're going to ignore all the other things that I've said in this book.'

"Why is that?" asks Moses.

"Beats me," says God. "You'd think everything I say would have equal importance, right?"

"Yeah it seems that if you're going to follow the rules, you follow all the rules, not just the ones you like," says Moses.

"No shit," says God. "Anyhow, no sex with animals either. Leave the sheep alone. If you do any of these naughty sex things, you're cut off and out of the club. You guys handled this sex talk like grown ups. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks!" say Moses and Aaron.

"So everyone has to worship me and follow my rules," says God. "Love your parents. No working on the Sabbath. No idols. Sacrifice animals to me. Burn your leftovers before they go bad. If you eat leftovers after the third day, you're cut off from your people."

"So wait," asks Moses. "Eating leftover sacrifice or peace offerings after three days carries the exact same penalty as gay sex?"

"Yep," says God.

Yummo!

"So if someone cooks a chicken, says grace over it, and then makes some chicken salad out of it and eats it for the rest of the week, that's JUST AS BAD as GAY SEX?"

"That's what I said," says God.

"Interesting," says Aaron.

"Ok, a few more things," says God. "When you're harvesting your fields, don't strip them totally bare. Leave some for the poor and for people who are traveling by. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't swear by my name falsely. Don't rob or be mean to your neighbors. Pay your hired help every day. Don't swear at deaf people. Don't trip blind people."

"Wow, what kind of jerks do you think we are?" asks Moses.

"Don't lie in court. Be impartial. Don't spread lies," says God. "Don't let your cattle breed with different kinds of cattle. Don't plant two kinds of crops in a field..."

"But what about my window box with all the different herbs in it? And my tomatoes grow so nicely next to the basil..." says Aaron.

God casts him a glance and Aaron looks away. "No garments made of two different kinds of materials," he continues. "If a man has sex with a slave that isn't his, sacrifice a ram to me and it will be forgiven. If you plant a fruit tree, you can't eat anything off of it for three years. In the fourth year, you have to give it all to me. In the fifth year, you can eat it.

I SAID NO TATTOOS, JERKFACE!

"No eating flesh with blood in it. No interpreting omens or telling fortunes. No rounding the hair at your temples or trimming your beard. And no tattoos."

"Let me clarify," says Moses. "All of this is JUST AS OFF LIMITS as GAY SEX, right?"

"Right," says God. "Don't sell your daughter as a prostitute. Keep the Sabbath. Don't seek advice from mediums and magicians. Honor your elders. Be kind to immigrants who live in the land."

"Immigrants?" asks Moses.

"Yes," says God. "Treat them exactly the same as everyone else. Again, this is one of those things that will be conveniently overlooked in a few thousand years. Especially in a place called Arizona. And lastly, don't cheat in weights and measurements. You will observe all these things and do them because I said so."

Leviticus 15 - 17: Festering Sores and Telling Your Sins to a Goat

"Now," says God, "About oozing sores..."

"Dude!" cries Aaron, gagging. "Can't we just assume they're unclean?"

Moses nods in agreement. "Yeah, I think that just goes without saying."

Seriously, it's just gross.

"Ok, but everything he touches is unclean too... beds and furniture and saddles pot and pans," says God. "And anyone who touches the stuff is unclean and needs to take a bath. And if the unclean person spits on a clean person..."

"Really?" says Moses. "That happens so often that we need a specific rule about unclean people spitting on clean people? With all the other bazillion rules we have so far, can't we just have a general one that says 'no spitting'?"

God sighs. "No. I'm not making a general 'no spitting' rule. Anyhow, if the person's pus clears up and the ooze is gone for seven days, then they can take a bath and do some laundry and have the priest sacrifice some birds for a sin offering and a burnt offering. And if the man has an emission of semen he should take a bath and do laundry and be unclean until evening."

"I can't believe we are talking about this!" yells Aaron. "Of course he's going to do laundry. Who wants to walk around with his clothes all crusty?"

"And if a man lies with a woman they have to wash themselves after and be unclean until evening."

"Oh, that's my favorite kind of unclean," says Moses, nudging Aaron and winking.

"I know, right!" says Aaron, laughing and punching Moses in the shoulder.

"Both of you stop it!" yells God. "What are you? Twelve? When a woman has her period, she's unclean, plus anything she sits on is too, and if you touch it you have to take a bath. And if you have sex with her, then you're unclean for seven days!"

"Not a problem," Moses giggles. "It's a good thing we all have more than one wife and concubines and everything, eh?"

"You guys are a pain in my ass!" says God. "I'm making another rule so you have to atone for your sins and childish behavior. Aaron, remember how I killed your sons for coming near me?"

"No," says Aaron. "But I clearly remember you killing my sons for burning incense..."

He's also Nightcrawler's father...

"Yeah, burning incense near me. So now every year on the tenth day of the seventh month you need to do a sin offering and a burnt offering and dress in your linens. Then you have to take two goats and cast lots over them... one of the goats is for me, and the other is for Azazel," says God. "My goat gets sacrificed.  Take the other goat and put your hands on its head and tell it all your sins... everything that you and all of the people have done wrong.  That goat gets run out of camp into the wilderness as a scapegoat to carry your sins to Azazel."

"Wait... Azazel? Who is that?" asks Aaron.

"He's really bad news," says God.

"Gee... Can you tell us more about him?" says Moses.

"No," says God. "I'm not even going to mention him by name ever again after this. So go sacrifice a bunch of sin offerings and burnt offerings like I told you before, and set that other goat free after you confess everyone's sins over it. You have to do this Day of Atonement every year, in the seventh month on the tenth day."

"Furthermore," he adds, "anyone that kills an ox or a goat or a lamb and doesn't offer it to me is guilty of bloodguilt and will be cut off from his people! No more sacrificing animals in the fields and offering them to other gods! All your animals are belong to me! And no eating blood! It's mine for splashing around!"

"Yeah I still think that's really weird, but if that's what you want, you got it," says Moses. "You're the boss."

"You got that right," says God.

Leviticus 12 - 14: Dealing with Girl Cooties and Leprosy

"Speaking of unclean," says God, "having babies is a messy business. Really gross. So when a woman has a baby, she'll be unclean for a while. If she has a boy, she'll be unclean for seven days. On the eighth day that boy needs to be circumcised. Then she'll be unclean for another 33 days. Even worse for a girl... she'll be unclean for 2 weeks, then another 66 days. Then at the end of that she'll have to bring a lamb for a burnt offering and then some birds for a sin offering. The priest will burn those up and she'll be clean."

"And then we can... you know..." Moses asks, embarrassed.

"Yeah," says God. "Let's change the subject.  I have a lot to say about leprosy. Aaron! Come over here! You need to know this stuff."

Aaron comes back over and sits to learn the latest medical information on leprosy.

"Once in a while someone will have a spot on their skin. If the hair on the spot is white and the spot is more than skin deep, then it's leprosy. If the hair isn't white or the spot is just skin deep, make that person stay at home for a week, then look at it again. If it hasn't spread, shut that person up for another seven days and look at it again. If it's faded, it's ok.... that person can go have a bath and they're clean. But if it spreads, it's leprosy!"

"EW!" says Aaron. "Why do I have to do this?"

That's just loss of skin pigmentation.  No problem.

"Because I haven't invented medical schools yet," says God. "This is the best we can do at this point. If the person has leprosy and is all white from head to toe, he's clean. But if there are any raw spots or swelling, that person is unclean. Examine any boils or burns or disease on the head or beard or any itchy, cruddy stuff on peoples' heads. If it's just dull white on their skin, it's just leukoderma. That's clean."

(Seriously, my Bible says leukoderma. Other versions say eczema, "harmless rash," freckled spot, tetter, blemish, or other sorts of harmless things.)

"What if their hair falls out?" asks Aaron, running his fingers through his own thinning hair.

"Some people lose their hair as they get older," says God. "So unless there's a sore or white skin there, it's just someone going bald."

"Whew," sighs Aaron.

"When you find someone who is leprous, they need to wear ripped clothes and let their hair hang down and cover their upper lip. They have to live alone outside of the camp and when they walk around, they have to yell, 'Unclean! Unclean!' to warn everyone around them."

God continues, "If there's leprosy on some clothes..."

"Wait, what?" asks Aaron. "Leprosy on clothes?"

"Yeah. You know... green or red stuff growing on clothes."

"I think that's mold," says Aaron.

"NO!" yells God. "It could be leprosy! You have to shut the clothes up in a room and then look at it after a week and see if it spreads! If it spreads, burn it! If it doesn't, then wash it, shut it up again for another seven days and look at it again. If it spreads or stays the same, burn it. But if it's faded, rip the moldy part out, and watch it some more. If it's gone then it's ok and someone can wear it."

"But," says Aaron, "now it has a hole in it."

"Let the lepers wear it then," says God.

"Well then why bother checking to see if it has leprosy in it if the lepers are just going to wear it anyway?" Aaron asks.

YIKES!

"Stop asking questions," says God. "If a leper's disease goes away, you have to go and look at it to confirm that it's gone. Then the leper has to kill a bird and drain the blood into a bowl of water. Then take another live bird and dip it in the bloody water and use the freaked out, flapping bird to splatter the blood on the leper."

"That's horrible!" cries Aaron.

"Leprosy is serious stuff," replies God. "But then you can let the bird go, so it's not too bad. Then the leper has to take a bath, and after a week shave all the hair off his body and take another bath. Then kill a couple of lambs, some oil and grain and do a guilt offering, sin offering, and burnt offering. Dab the blood around and the oil goes on his head. If he's poor and can't afford so many lambs, he can substitute other things."

"If there's red or green leprous spots in the walls of a house..."

"Leprosy in the walls?"

"YES!" yells God. "Leprosy can be in walls. Shut the house up for seven days and go look at it again. If it's spread, gut the house and throw any affected rocks and plaster out of the camp. If the house gets it again after it's been repaired, the whole thing needs to be torn down. But if it seems to be gone, do the whole bird cleansing routine and the house is clean."

"Ok is that all the gross stuff I need to know about?" asks Aaron.

"Oh no!" says God. "Next we'll discuss bodily discharges."

"Lovely," says Aaron.

Leviticus 11: Eat This, Not That

God calls Moses and Aaron over to discuss what everyone should be eating.

"So from now on, you can only eat certain animals. The ones you can't eat are 'unclean.'

You don't want to eat this anyway...

"First of all, you know that there are animals with different kinds of hooves and animals that chew a cud and that don't chew a cud. If an animal with a split hoof chews a cud, you can eat it. If there's an animal that doesn't have a split hoof that chews a cud, or has a split hoof and doesn't chew a cud, you can't eat it. So no eating camels, no rock badgers (though actually they do not chew a cud), no rabbits, no pigs. Don't eat them. Heck, don't even touch their dead bodies. They're unclean."

"How about fish?" asks Moses.

"Anything with fins and scales. If it doesn't have fins and scales, don't eat it. No clams, no scallops, no calamari, no lobster, no shrimp..."

"Ohhh," says Moses, "I tried to tell you about that bad shrimp I ate and..."

"Yes, yes, you told me" says God. "That's why I included it. Anyway, birds. Everyone likes a roast chicken or duck now and then, right? You can eat those, but no eagles, vultures, falcons or kites or hawks, ravens, ostriches, seagulls, owls, herons, or bats."

"Bats aren't birds," says Aaron.

"Shut up," says God. "Once in a while in a famine, it may come down to eating bugs. You can eat bugs as long as they have jointed feet so they can hop. So locusts and grasshoppers. Otherwise, no bugs."

"Oh, I wonder if my staff still works for conjuring locusts..." Aaron mused.

"No, I took the batteries out," says God. "No touching or eating unclean animals, ok? If you touch them, you're unclean until evening. If you carry one of them, you have to wash your clothes. Don't eat anything with paws (so that covers the rock badgers). Don't touch mice or lizards. If anything you own touches a mouse or lizard, wash it. If a mouse or lizard falls in one of your dishes or in your stove or oven, break it. These things are just swarming with germs."

"Gross," says Moses.

"Even the animals that you can eat," says God, "if they die naturally, they become unclean and if you touch them or carry them or eat them, you're unclean too. Oh! And snakes and millipedes and swarming bugs and stuff. Don't eat those."

"Oh like I was planning on millipedes for dinner anyway," says Aaron.

Leviticus 8 - 10: Want to be a priest? Burn more animals! Also - Urim and Thummim

"Alright, lets get Aaron and his sons all priestly," says God. "I kind of went over how to do all this back in Exodus, but I tend to repeat myself, so I'm going to tell you all of it again. Maybe I'll change some stuff too."

"They all need to get bathed and dressed all up in their robes and magical underwear (oh you thought that was just for Mormons, right?). And in the breastplate, place the Urim and Thummim."

Wait... the what? I seem to have totally missed these things that were mentioned in Exodus 28:30. What are they? I did a bit of digging and it's interesting enough to pause here and talk about these.

There's a few mentions of the Urim and Thummim in the bible, but not a lot of explanation. The first was Exodus 28:30 where it just says to set them in the Breastpiece of Judgment: "in the breastpiece of judgment you shall put the Urim and the Thummim, and they shall be on Aaron's heart, when he goes in before the LORD. Thus Aaron shall bear the judgment of the people of Israel on his heart before the LORD regularly." He's bearing the judgment of the people on his heart, so they seem to have something to do with judging.

They are mentioned here in Leviticus in the same context. They are set in the breastplate.

Spoiler alert! We'll come upon these things later, in 1 Samuel 14:41 where Saul will use them to ask God a question: "Therefore Saul said, 'O Lord God of Israel, why have you not answered your servant this day? If this guilt is in me or in Jonathan my son, O Lord, God of Israel, give Urim. But if this guilt is in your people Israel, give Thummim.' And Jonathan and Saul were taken, but the people escaped." They then cast lots between the two of them to determine who is guilty. They are also mentioned in passing in Numbers and Deuteronomy, and again mentioned in Ezra and Nehemiah, much later in the Bible. 

Very interestingly, they are also used by Joseph Smith Jr. in translating the Book of Mormon. Moroni the angel tells him about golden plates containing the Urim and Thummim to assist in understanding God's word. Christians, for some reason that I cannot figure, think this is ridiculous.

Is this God's coin toss? God's Magic 8 Ball? Divination based on a roll of the dice? I remember as a kid pretending I could tell the future or the truth by looking at mud splatters in a bucket or using sticks and rocks as rune stones. This seems similar.

Back to our story.

Moses takes Aaron and his sons to the tabernacle, along with a bull, a couple of nice looking rams, and some unleavened bread. He washes them, dresses them up in the clothes, and anoints them and the altar and utensils and the tabernacle with oil. He kills the bull as a sin offering and pours the blood all over the place and burns the fat from it, then drags the rest out of the camp and burns it out there.

Then they kill a ram for a burnt offering, and God is totally happy about the smell of roasting goat.

Then they kill the ram of ordination. Moses takes some of the blood and dabs it on the priests' right ear lobes, right thumbs, and right big toes, then throws the rest of the blood on the side of the altar in a big splashy mess. He gives Aaron the fatty parts, the right thigh, and some unleavened bread. Aaron waves it around for a bit. Moses takes it back and burns it, and again, God is thrilled by the smell of burning fat and flesh.

Moses anoints the priests' garments with more oil and tells them to boil the rest of the flesh by the door of the tent and to eat it and the leftover unleavened bread, then burn all the leftovers. "Don't leave the tent for seven days," he tells them. "You have to stay right here at the entrance of the tent so you don't die!"

"Oh that makes perfect sense," says Aaron.

On the eighth day, Moses tells Aaron the do another sin offering, another burnt offering, and tells him to tell the people to burn up a TON of goats and calves and lambs and oxen and rams and grain and oil.

Aaron does his sin offering and burnt offering without a hitch. He does the sin offering for the people, the burnt offerings and the peace offerings, and all goes swimmingly. He blesses the people and the fire of God comes down from heaven and consumes the offerings, to much ooo-ing and ahh-ing of the crowd.

Aaron is absolutely rocking this priest gig.

Just when everything is going so well, two of Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide that they can do better. They put some incense in a censer and wave it around.

ZAP!!!!! God strikes them dead with fire from the sky.

Moses calls for a clean up crew and they carry Nadab and Abihu out of the camp.

"Carry on," says Moses.

Leviticus 6:8 - 7: Some Final Details of Burning Stuff Up for God

"These burnt offerings are going to be pretty messy," says Moses.

"Yeah, they are," says God. "There are going to be a lot of ashes and charred meat and stuff. I have a plan for what to do with this.

"So back to the burnt offering... that needs to burn all night. In the morning, Aaron will need to put on his priestly robes and undies, gather up the ashes, then change into some different clothes and haul that mess out of camp and dump it in a clean place. The priest that made the offering can keep the hide. Keep that fire on the altar going 24/7 to burn all the burnt offerings and peace offerings. That fire cannot ever go out. Ever."

"What about when we pack it all up for traveling?"

Aw... sadness pancakes...

"That's your problem. And for the grain offering, like I said before, Aaron takes a handful of grain and mixes it with oil and frankincense and burns that. Then he and his sons can make unleavened bread with the rest. When Aaron and his sons are anointed, he should take a tenth of an ephah (approximately a half gallon dry measure) of flour a day and burn it in a skillet with oil. Don't eat that though. Burned pancakes aren't very good."

"Even when they're not burned, unleavened pancakes aren't very good," says Moses.

"Yeah, I know. So for the sin offerings, the priest that made the offering can eat that. Anything that he sprinkled blood on has to be washed in a holy place. If it was boiled in a earthenware bowl, you have to destroy that bowl. More economical would be to use a bronze dish... you can just wash that. All the priests can eat the sin offerings, unless the blood was brought into the tabernacle. Then you can't eat it."

"Why not?" asks Moses. "What's the difference?"

"Because I said so!" yells God. "Ok and the guilt offering. These are very holy. Splash the blood, burn all the fat entrails and the tail. The priests can eat the rest with the same rules as the sin offering."

"Peace offerings... you know, I said before that they needed to be animals, but I think I'm going to suddenly include grain in this category. I'm God. I do what I want. Bring some bread for the priest that's going to throw the blood around for you. If it's a peace offering of thanksgiving, it has to be eaten that same day. If it's for a vow or a freewill sacrifice, you can have leftovers the next day, but burn all the rest on the third day. Refrigeration won't be around for a while yet. Leftovers don't keep in the desert."

"Oh food poisoning is bad," Moses says, "Once I ate a shrimp that sat in the sun too long..."

"Oh I have plenty to say about shrimp later.  Anyhow, if any of this flesh touches something unclean, it's tainted and needs to be burned. Only clean people can touch the sacrifices. If someone unclean touches the sacrifice or eats it, they are CUT OFF from the rest of the group.  Done!  Gone!  Out of the club!  Exiled!"

"That's pretty harsh, says Moses. "And random."

"That's how I roll. And now other random rules about peace offerings just popped into my head. You can wave the offerings around. Wave the breast of the animal in the air and then Aaron and the priests will burn the fat and keep the breast and the right thigh of the animal for themselves. This needs to happen forever, until the end of time, so Aaron and his family can continue to be my priests. So now, let me tell you how we're going to get them all consecrated up and make it official."

Leviticus Chapters 1 - 6:7 Want To Make God Happy? Burn Something.

"Know what I really like?" says God.

"What?" asks Moses.

"Splashing blood around and the smell of burning flesh. And I like my steaks well done. So whether you want to just make me happy, or when people do something wrong, I want you to ritualistically burn some things and all will be forgiven. Here are the rules:

I really prefer mine to be on the rarer side, but to each his own

"Burnt offerings - Bring a flawless bull to the door of temple, put your hands on its head and kill it. Aaron and his sons gather the blood and splash it all around the altar. Flay it, chop it up, wash the guts and legs, and then and burn the whole thing. If you bring a male sheep or a goat (also flawless), kill it on the north side of the altar, don't bother flaying it, but then do the same thing with all the parts like you did with the bull. If all you have are birds, then wring their little heads off, drain the blood on the altar, take the gizzard out and toss it in the ashes. Rip it apart by the wings (but not totally in half... just mangle it a bit) and burn it.

"Grain offerings - You can bring me flour and bread. Bring flour to Aaron and he will take a handful of the flour, mix it up with oil and frankincense and burn it. Aaron gets to keep the rest of the flour you brought. I also like bread, but nothing leavened, and it needs to have oil in it or on it. Bring it to Aaron and he'll burn some on the altar and keep the rest for himself. No burning honey either. Not much of a sweet tooth. But season all your grain offerings with salt. Any first harvest offerings should be roasted and crushed and mixed with oil and frankincense.

"Peace offerings - These can be male or female animals, but still need to be perfectly flawless. Put your hand on its head and kill it in the front of the tent. Aaron and his sons will splash the blood around the altar. Burn the fat on the entrails, the kidneys with all their fat, and the long lobe of the liver with its fat. If it's a lamb, burn the tail, too.

"Sin offerings - If a priest sins accidentally (OOPS!), he needs to bring a bull to the tent, put your hand on its head, and kill it. Bring some of the blood in the tent and sprinkle it with a finger seven times on the veil of the altar, rub some blood on the horns of the incense altar, and pour the rest of it at the base of the burnt offering altar. Burn all the fat like in the peace offering, but then drag the rest of the bull outside the camp and burn it.

"If all the people of Israel collectively sin accidentally (OOPS!) they need to bring a bull to the tent and the elders of the camp will lay their hands on the head of the bull and kill it and the priest splash the blood around and burn the fat and then the bull just like I said before.

"If one of the leaders sins accidentally (OOPS!) they just bring a male goat, hands on the head, kill it, splash the blood around and burn the fat on the altar, but they don't need to drag the goat out of town and burn it.

"If a regular run of the mill person sins accidentally (you people need to be more careful), bring a female goat and do all the same stuff to it like I just said. Alternately, you can use a female sheep. Things someone might do that would need a sin offering to be made: not coming forward to testify with information, touching unclean stuff (unclean animals, carcasses, human uncleanness, etc.), or making oaths without thinking things through. And if you can't afford a lamb or a goat, I'll accept two birds. If you don't have birds, then flour will have to do.

"Guilt offerings - if you break any of my commandments, or breach your faith, deceive or lie about a neighbor, found something and lied about it, or stole something you have to sacrifice a 10-shekel ram, and also fix whatever you have done, plus pay 10% of the restitution to the priest. Do that and you're forgiven."

"Seems pretty simple, though again, what's with the splashing of blood all over the place?" says Moses.  "You really expect that people will keep up with this practice?"

"Oh of course they will!" says God.  "Don't be silly!"

Exodus 33 - 40: Moses and God Smooth Things Over and Move On

God says to Moses, "You've spent enough time here and everyone has caused a lot of trouble. Get going to that land I'm giving you. But I'm not going with you myself. I'm so angry that I could just spit and I'm honestly afraid that I might do something stupid like wipe you all out. I'm sending an angel to guide you instead."

"Aw, c'mon," say the people. "Come with us. We're sorry..."

"I need a break," says God. "And NO JEWELRY! This is a pilgrimage, not a fashion show."

Moses pitches his tent outside the camp and calls it the Tent of Meeting. Whenever he goes inside, the big funnel cloud descends from the sky and God talks to Moses. The people would get up and watch the giant pillar of cloud from their own tent doors and worship it.

Moses sighs. "God," he says, "I'm not getting all the information I need here. You tell me to bring the people out of Egypt, but you're not leading us yourself. You tell me I've found favor in your sight, but you don't tell me anything about your decision making process. These are your people you're entrusting me with, so consider that."

"My presence will be with you as you travel," God replies.  "You'll have an angel."

"See, but we really need you with us. It makes us special and distinguishes us from all the other people," says Moses.

"Yeah, you're right," says God. "I'll do as you say since you are my favorite and the only person that I really feel like I can talk to."

"Prove it," says Moses. "Show me your glory." (As if everything that God's done for him up until now is not enough.)

"I'll travel with you, but you can't see my face or you'll die."

"But didn't we all have dinner a couple month back on Mt. Sinai? I saw you then."

"Shh," says God. "How about this... go stand in that crack in that rock. Then I'll walk by but I'll block your view of my face."

God tells Moses to cut two stone tables like the ones he threw on the ground in his temper tantrum over the golden calf. "Carry those up the mountain," God says. "And come alone."

Moses goes up the mountain and God tells him that while he is gracious, merciful, loving and forgiving and also slow to anger (really???), that guilt for sins will follow their people through the fourth generation, essentially setting up everyone for lifetimes of guilt and doom.

"I see that I've found favor in your sight," says Moses. "Please... lead on."

God reminds Moses that they're his favorite people and that they're going to a land of milk and honey, but reminds him again of all the rules regarding worshiping other gods, keeping the feasts, not working on the seventh day, leavened bread, etc. He's again up there for 40 days and 40 nights, re-carving the tablets with the Ten Commandments.

The future's looking brighter already!

When Moses comes back down, there's no debauchery, no golden calf, no dancing or parties or nakedness. The people behaved. But everyone looks at him and is terrified because he's all shiny and glowing from talking to God.

"Get over here!" says Moses. Everyone comes over and he tells them again everything that God said. But then he puts a veil over his face because it's probably pretty distracting to everyone. He only takes it off to talk to God.

Everyone gets around to finally building all the stuff that God told them to make. Moses does warn them though that they need to take a break on the seventh day. If they work on that day they will die. The people all contribute the materials needed and Moses lays out the plans and delegates the work load. The tabernacle, the ark, the table, the lampstand, the altars for incense and burnt offerings, the bronze basin, the courtyard, and Aaron's and his sons' priestly robes were all made and blessed as per instructions.

"Excellent!" says God, steepling his fingers together. "So on the first day of the month, set all this up and anoint and consecrate the whole thing."

Moses does this, and the pillar of cloud comes down and fills the tabernacle with the glory of the lord. So much glory that Moses can't even enter.

Throughout their journey from now on, the cloud over the tabernacle signals when it is time to move on. When the cloud is there, they stay. When the cloud lifts, they pack up and move.

Exodus 32: The Golden Calf that Aaron Made

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Moses is gone for a LONG time. Forty days. A month and a half. Almost 6 weeks.

Back in these days, I would guess that the majority of people who disappeared for that long were probably assumed to be dead.

So the people go to Aaron, the second in command, and say, "Hey, that guy that was leading us disappeared. How about you get us a newer, shinier, better god?"

"Sure! That's a fun idea!" says Aaron. (Keep in mind that while this is happening, God, who knows everything that is happening everywhere, is telling Moses that Aaron and his sons are going to be his most holy priests.)

PARTY PEOPLE!

Aaron takes all the peoples' gold earrings and jewelry, melts it down, and sculpts a really nice golden calf for the people to worship. He builds an altar and they have a feast with burnt offerings and parties and dancing and playing.  I'm sure this "playing" is not wholesome family fun like egg tosses and potato sack racing.

God tells Moses what's going on down there and says, "These stubborn people are pissing me off to no end. They're dancing around a gold cow when I swear I just told them not to do things like that. You stay here. I have some smiting to do."

"No, please," says Moses. "If you burn them all up, then all that effort to get them out of Egypt was for nothing. Let me go down and deal with it." Moses takes his tablets and goes back down the mountain. He meets up with Joshua on the way down the mountain (he must have been one of the random people on Mount Sinai a few chapters back) and Joshua hears the noise below and mentions that it sounds like fighting.

"Oh, that's not fighting," says Moses. "That's a PARTY!"

Despite the fact that God warned him what was going on, warned him that it was bad enough to deserve a smiting, and that Moses knew what he was walking into voluntarily to deal with so that God wouldn't wipe everyone out, Moses sees this party and the calf and is so overcome with rage that he throws the tablets to the ground, destroying them. Then he burns the calf to ash, grinds the ash to dust, mixes it with water and makes everyone drink it.

"AARON!" yells Moses. "What the hell is going on down here?! Obviously this isn't your fault at all, so what did these people say to you to make you do this horrible thing?"

"Yeah!" says Aaron, "it was the people... they're just evil aren't they? They wanted a new god, so I told them to give me all their gold. I tossed it in the fire and BAM! This calf appeared! Yes! That's exactly what happened! And anyone who says differently is a big fat liar and will pay for saying otherwise. Got it?" he says, eying the crowd.

"But... why didn't you just tell them no?"

"Oh... well there's so many of them... and we really assumed you'd gotten eaten by a lion or something..."

Moses looks around and sees all the people are running wild and dancing about, so he yells out, "HEY! If you're following me and God, get over here now!" The sons of Levi come over to Moses.

"Each one of you get a sword," he says, "and kill your brothers, friends, and neighbors."

The sons of Levi go through the camp and kill 3000 people. This isn't all the people, just a small fraction really, but enough to make an impression. And maybe fewer than God was planning on smiting. Who knows. Regardless he thanks them and tells them that they're ordained for their service to the Lord and will get a blessing.

The next morning Moses calls everyone together. "You guys suck!" he yells. "Now I have to climb all the way back up that flipping mountain and apologize for your sorry asses. I will be back. Don't touch ANYTHING!"

Moses climbs back up the mountain. "Hey God, you were right. They were sinning and worshiping this cow... Aaron says it just popped up out of the fire, but I think he's lying. Please forgive them."

"I'm still in a smiting mood," says God. "But not a wholesale smiting. Just the guilty people. Go on back and get ready to lead them to the land I told you about. I'll punish you guys when I'm good and ready."

Exodus 32:35 And then the LORD sent a plague on the people, because they made the calf, the one that Aaron made.

But not Aaron. Aaron's still ok even though he made the calf and then lied about making it. He's so ok that he gets to be High Priest.

Was Aaron Responsible for the Golden Calf?

The Sin of the Golden Calf

Exodus 25 - 31: God Does Interior and Fashion Design

This got a little long.  I tried to whittle it down while still giving the sense that God's details for all this is REALLY specific.  He gives a lot of measurements and instructions for how the curtains should be hung and details for decorative elements.  He micromanages.

"Guess what!" says God. "I thought up some more stuff I need you to do for me!"

"Um, alright," says Moses. "What do you need?"

"I want everyone to give me something so we can build a tabernacle and a whole lot of other stuff. Here is my wish list: gold, silver, bronze, blue, purple and red thread, twined linen, goat hair, tanned ram skins, goat hides, acacia wood (that stuff gets you crazy high), lamp oil, fragrant spices, onyx stones and other stones so we can make a breastplate.."

Moses writes all this down. "Ok," he says. "Anything else?"

"Oh I have really specific instructions," God says. "Have a seat."

"First of all," God starts off, "I'm giving you these tablets so they'll need a storage chest so no one drops them. Make this ark of acacia, all covered in gold, with some gold rings on the corners so you can put some poles through them to help people carry it since it's going to be really heavy and so holy that no one should touch it. For the lid, I want a mercy seat with a couple of angels facing each other. After that, you won't have to come all the way up this mountain any more. I'll just talk to you from there."

"I really appreciate that," says Moses.

"I also want an acacia table covered in gold, as well as a set of pure gold dishes. And I want a fancy gold lampstand with spots for seven candles. Oh, and we're going to need a really big tent... a tabernacle. It needs to have curtains made with that blue, purple and red thread and linen woven in a design with little angels on it, and a roof made of goat hair curtains, all held together with loops and bronze clasps. Make the frames and beams of acacia wood covered with gold, and the frames should sit on silver bases."

"Isn't that going to be really big?" asks Moses.

"Oh, I'm just getting started!" says God. "I want a blue, purple, and red veil with more angels on it separating the ark from the rest of the tabernacle. And a door screen from the front of the tabernacle made of more red, blue and purple all embroidered so it's pretty, with an acacia wood frame. Cover that frame with gold too. And we need an altar. Build that of acacia wood covered in bronze, with horns on all four corners of the top. Make some pots and utensils of bronze for it. And poles for carrying it and all that. Oh this is going to be awesome!"

"And really hard to travel with..."

"Oh there's more! We need a courtyard for the tabernacle, made of more of that cloth and bronze pillars and bases and silver hooks. And we need a lamp for Aaron and his sons to watch over all night every night, so we need oil."

"He's not going to like that," Moses says warily.

"We'll make him and his priests some nice clothes," says God. "A nice linen apron with those nice red, blue and purple threads. And in the middle of that, a gold breastplate set with stones. Two onyx stones engraved with Israel's 12 son's names in order, and then 12 gemstones all set in fancy gold settings, each carved with a name. We'll call it the Breastplate of Judgment! Aaron will like that! Set that breastplate in blue fabric and trim it in pomegranates and bells and colored fringe."

"Won't the pomegranates go bad?"

"Nah! I'm God. I'll take care of it. Get him a nice turban and attach a gold signet saying "Holy to the Lord" on his forehead. That way I remember not to kill him when he goes in to do all the holy stuff by the altar and ark. And get him a nice checkered coat and a sash. And his sons will get coats and sashes and caps. AND UNDERWEAR! Yes... long underwear. Can't go all dangling around under those robes."

"Oh underwear is a good idea," Moses says.

"Yeah, one of my better inventions right there. So we'll need a ritual for consecrating these priests. bring them their outfits, anoint them with oil, then sacrifice a bull while they lay their hands on its head. Rub the blood on the horns of the altar, pour the rest on the base, and burn the entrails and liver and kidneys with the fat on the altar, but drag the rest outside camp and burn it. Then kill a ram while everyone holds their hands on its head, splash the blood on the sides of the altar and then burn the whole thing on the altar. Then take ANOTHER ram and kill it and dab the blood on each of the priests right earlobes, on their right thumbs, and on their right big toes. Then splash the rest of the blood on the sides of the altar. Then take some of the blood on the altar, mix it with oil, and splash it on the priests and their new clothes."

"This sounds really messy," Moses says. "And frankly, horrifying.  The whole splashing blood all over the place thing is kind of freaking me out."

"I'm not done. From that second ram, take the fat and the long lobe of the liver and the kidneys and the right thigh, a loaf of bread, a cake of oil bread, and a wafer of unleavened bread, and put them in the priests hands and wave them around for a while. Then put them on the altar and burn it. Then wave the breast of the ram around for a while. That part is yours. The rest is for Aaron and his sons. Boil it in a holy place and then eat that and the bread. Burn any leftovers in the morning. Then burn a bull every day for seven days and I'll recognize them as priests. After that, just burn two lambs a day, along with some wine and oil and flour.  And I want incense and a table to burn it on, but it's ONLY for incense.  Nothing else on it.  I know this is a lot of furniture to lug around, but do it."

"This is expensive you know."

"Yeah.  We'll have to tax everyone a half a shekel every time we do a census.  Flat tax.  Now back to the stuff we need.  A bronze basin for washing up.  If you don't wash your hands and feet before you make an offering, I kill you.  And we need oil and incense.  Use the oil for anointing all the holy stuff and priests.  I think that's all the stuff we need."

"And who exactly is going to make all this?" asks Moses.

"Bezalel from the tribe of Judah is pretty good at building stuff.  Oholiab can help him out.  And everyone else can help with making clothes and candle holders and all that good stuff.  But remember to observe the Sabbath.  Work six days, rest on the seventh.  OH!  And I almost forgot.  Here are those stone tablets."

Moses sighs and picks up the tablets.  "Ok.  I better go down and get everyone working on this."

Exodus 23:20 - 24 Who's On Mt. Sinai?

After laying down the Ten Commandments and Other Random Rules of Conduct, God goes on. "I'm assigning an angel as a guide. He's in charge, so do what he says. Do that, and I'll smite all your enemies and bring you home. We'll wipe out a whole bunch of other tribes along the way, but don't be tempted to worship their gods or take on their customs. My rules only. Do that and the world is your oyster. But I'm going to wipe them out slowly. Not all at once.

"So, Moses go tell the people all this and then you and Aaron and your priests, come on up here."

"Wait... So the priests can come up now?  I thought they couldn't come up."

"Oh sure. Why not?  I'm just making this up as I go along."

Moses then goes and tells all the people what God told him.

"Yeah, that's a good deal," say the people.

Moses stays up all night writing all this down in the Book of Covenant, and then builds an altar and 12 pillars representing the 12 tribes of Israel. They burn some oxen as offerings and put half of the blood in bowls and splash the other half on the altar. Then he re-reads the Book, and they agree to it again. He seals the deal by splashing blood on them.

So Moses and Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and 70 priests and elders go back up the mountain - a guy who just a little bit ago couldn't hold his arms up for an extended time is now making repeated trips up and down a mountain. They see God, who invites them to dinner.

After dinner, God says to Moses, "Come up the mountain and I'll give you some stone tablets with all the rules on them."

"But... aren't we all already here on the mountain?  How much further up do I have to go? And didn't I just write it all down in that book last night?"

"Please stop asking questions. Just come MORE up the mountain and I'll give you the tablets."

Moses turns to his priests and says, "Wait here. Aaron and Hur are in charge in the meantime."

Moses goes into the cloud. To the people on the ground this all appears as a fire devouring the top of the mountain. Moses is there for 40 days and 40 nights. There are a LOT more rules to be told. So many that it takes a month and a half to get through them all.

This is not just a quick trip up to get some stone tablets like God said. This is like going to the store for a pack of smokes and some milk and coming back a month and a half later.  People start to wonder where you went and might just give you up for lost or dead...especially on a mountain top consumed by fire.